Red Earth
by Chesed
Summary: What is the value of redemption when you lose yourself to get it?
1. Prologue: Letting Dreams Go

Disclaimer: You know the routine, I don't own Eva. If I did I'd have a turkey dinner every night.

Red Earth

A Tale About Redemption by Chesed

Prologue: Letting Dreams Go

Two figures stood face to face before an elevator, both of them dying in different ways. Something happened that was not supposed to have happened. The taller spoke three words, and the shorter figure looked up sharply, stunned. The first figure spoke again and looked expectantly at the second until it nodded, then something on a silver chain was passed between the two. A quick shove from the adult was the only goodbye exchanged, and a silent promise in the heart of a boy was the only lingering sign of affection.

Kensuke Aida stared out the window of the run down fourth story apartment his family had rented after they had fled from Tokyo 3. His face was solemn as he pointed his camera out the window. He looked like he had at his grandfather's funeral while paying his final respects.

Due to the large number of refugees, the landlords of Tokyo 2 had raised prices dramatically and the few that could afford them were lucky to find an apartment at all. Many slept in rec centers or gymnasiums while they tried to get their possessions stored in any way possible. It had gotten so bad that some schools were closed briefly so that former residents of Tokyo-3 could live in the classrooms. The smell of unwashed bodies replaced the smell of chalk and cafeteria food, and the whispers of frightened and uncertain families replaced the sounds of lectures.

Kensuke's new home was five simple rooms. Stained off white walls and broken down appliances graced the kitchen and bathroom, and Kensuke avoided those areas as much as possible. It depressed him to know that he would be living like this for several months or perhaps even years. His new residence felt like it was decaying. Of course, his old one was probably under water now, he didn't know.

Fortunately, the Aida family, which amounted to the sum of Kensuke and his father, had managed to retrieve some of their possessions before they fled. They had furnished the living room and two bedrooms to remind them of home, though Kensuke wasn't sure if the pain the memories brought was worth it. The things they had used were nothing special, a worn brown leather sofa, a dresser with a picture of his mother in an imitation silver frame on it, a small oak dinner table with two simple chairs, things like that. They were enough, though. 

Kensuke's room itself was filled with manga and survival gear, and the walls were covered with posters of everything that Kensuke once found cool or exciting, which had been a lot. Now he hardly ever looked at it any more. Occasionally he would retrieve a small box filled with DVDs from the upper shelf of his closet and just spend time watching them with an odd little smile on his face as the light from the TV danced off his glasses. He no longer read mangas or played soldier, but he still treasured the memories of his all too brief time in Tokyo 3 when he was still a Stooge with Shinji Ikari and Toji Suzuhara. 

He hadn't heard from Shinji or Toji in a long time, and he tried to keep himself from thinking that they had passed on, though sometimes such thoughts slipped through his mental barriers. He had a terrible feeling about Toji, who was still receiving medical treatment in Tokyo 3 when Unit-00 self-destructed. Information about damage to the Geofront had not been released by Nerv, and his father's computer was no longer a source since he had quit his job. He tried calling Toji's hospital room once a few days after he left. The line was dead.

Shinji had simply disappeared after the incident that resulted in Toji's loss of an arm and a leg. He had stopped coming to school, stopped calling, basically had stopped existing. He had called Hikari while Asuka was staying at her house to inquire about his friend before the 16th came, but Hikari merely said Asuka hadn't said a thing about Shinji. She was too overwhelmed by her own problems. Kensuke considered himself a friend of Shinji's, but he thought that Asuka was the stronger of the two pilots, and if she was doing bad then Shinji must have been doing much worse. 

So Kensuke stood there, staring out a cracked window in the direction of Tokyo 3, where thirty minutes earlier he had seen a giant pillar of fire rise. 

An N2 mine detonation? For a while he had wondered if another angel had arrived, but there was no mention of it on the news, though he did not really think that Nerv's influence would allow them to say anything. Then he had seen nine gigantic black Eva-transports fly overhead carrying what looked like faintly reptilian white monstrosities, and soon afterwards television and radio announcements from the Japanese government had told the citizens of the country to return to their homes and that the prefectures around Tokyo 3 were now under martial law. This meant a curfew, where anyone traveling outside without express permission would be shot, so Kensuke resisted the urge to leave his home to find a better viewing point. Nerv was under attack, though by who or what he didn't know, but a lot of people would be dying. He felt impotent, helpless to do anything but watch, and his chest hurt as his heart screamed at him to do more. His friends might somehow still be alive, but they would soon be dead if they weren't already .

The red light indicating that the DVD of his camera was filled came on, and Kensuke detachedly popped it open, removed and encased the old DVD, then placed a new one in it and pointed it once again out the window in the direction he thought the fighting was taking place. He was just in time to see a massive flash of light then an enormous purple cross erupt over the horizon. His eyes were blinded by the flash, and for a moment he braced himself for a shockwave before remembering that Tokyo 3 was more than thirty miles away. It was scarier than the N2 mine that had gone off earlier, and he felt his legs tremble as the cross shaped explosion continued to burn in the sky. It didn't look like any weapon of man. It reminded him of something the angels would use. Its color reminded him of Unit-01 as well, had Unit-01 finally gone berserk to the point where it would turn on Nerv? That would also explain why they were deploying so many soldiers, from the few vague implications dropped by Shinji and Asuka, the brief reports on the news, and the information he obtained from his father's computer, he gathered that Unit-01 was the most powerful of the Evas. If it had gone berserk and turned against man, few things would be able to stop it. 

Kensuke did not know, and a part of him was glad he didn't know because he wasn't sure if he could handle it. Another part, the part that had been the fantasy filled otaku, was envious that his friends had made and were making a difference in the world while all he could do was watch. He had been cast aside by those he cared about. They had lived his dreams. One of the most terrible days of his life was when he found out Toji was an Eva pilot. He had truly begun to grow up on that day, and before long he was the last of the Three Stooges.

He didn't notice his father coming him behind him until the middle aged man laid a hand on his shoulder. Kensuke jumped a bit, surprised by the sudden contact, then looked up from his video camera to Shiroh Aida, a man who five years ago had looked like he wasn't older than thirty. He now looked like he was going on sixty, with ten of those years appearing on his face in the last month. They simply stood there, listening to the distant sounds of combat. Father and son exchanged a look, and a silent understanding passed between them. Both were saddened to leave their lives in Tokyo 3 behind, but they knew that everything changes, and that sometimes all you can do is just try to survive.

Twelve men entered twelve rooms in their office buildings and estates, and once again the council convened. As each man entered their own communications room, it faded into darkness and seemed to grow larger as the monoliths which represented their coconspirators appeared. While they had never actually seen each other in person, and some of them had never seen the others at all, they were comfortable with this arrangement. It made them hard to identify. This time was different, it was not to plan for their victory but to salvage what they could from a failure.

They had already removed every trace they could of their existence. Computers had been infested with viruses, records had been stolen and destroyed, and many people had gone missing, including one middle aged Japanese woman that used to work with a certain perpetually unshaven Ministry of the Interior agent. Everything that could be done to ensure their safety had been done, and now it was time to plan for the future. 

Immediately after the failed attempt to unite mankind had been another meeting. It had been filled with shouting and even a few threats of violence for anyone who betrayed the council to save their own hide. The fighting was especially bad after SEELE-7, in an angry and righteous tone of voice, declared that their failures came from their own lack of vision and selfishness. A few moments later, SEELE-5 snarled that he was trying to shift blame away his own stupidity and carelessness regarding the failed attempt on the MAGI which he had been in charge of. This lead to SEELE-7 declaring that he was leaving the council and any attempts to prevent him from doing so would be met with death. SEELE-1 had calmed him down however with a few cold remarks about his childish behavior, and he had agreed not to do anything rash in a hesitant and nervous tone of voice. Not even the most powerful men in the world could contend with the will of Keel Lorenz. SEELE-7 had continued to come to meetings since then, but he did not speak unless directly spoken to, and a few of the more observant members noted that his voice had changed slightly since the incident. None of them dared to comment on this.

They had dealt with some problems in spite of their fears. The first and foremost of these was what to do about Shinji Ikari. He had been most responsible for their defeat, going against all of the prophecies to rise out of the depths of Nerv just in time to witness the Second fall. In the depths of his agony, he had gone berserk, and had managed to completely destroy five of the nine Evas beyond repair, destroying any hope of completing the ritual. He had only fallen when a lance replica had struck him through the abdomen to leave him collapsed beside Unit-02. It had been Keel's hand who saved him, deactivating the Mass Production Evas even as they moved in for the kill. This had not been done out of mercy, Ikari's son was necessary to fulfill their version of the Third Impact and his loss would be even greater than that of the series.

At first the council had called for the boy's blood, in spite of what that would mean, but Keel's harsh and commanding words had stayed their desires for revenge, and in the darkness of the council chambers a new plan was made. Not to destroy the boy, but to enlist him. They worried that Shinji would kill himself the first chance he had, now with a purpose he would live. They worried he would fall out of his control as he got older, if he was directly under their thumbs he would be much more easily manipulated. They expected it would take another fifteen years before they could attempt to complete the ritual again, at that time Shinji would be twenty nine, four years before the age Gendo had been when he had begun his involvement with GEHIRN.

"Let it begin. Much has been lost but will soon be recovered. Bring in the Child and let us offer him… redemption", Keel's harsh voice rang out in the illusionary chamber. In the depths of the Ministry of the Interior in Tokyo 2, a door opened, briefly shedding light onto the floor of the council chamber. In the door were the silhouettes of an emaciated young boy flanked by broad shouldered men. The boy was pushed inside and the door was slammed shut. From above, a single beam of light came down and illuminated him in a circle of radiance. His hair tangled, unkempt, and still had flecks of LCL in it, his eyes were blank, and his shoulders were slumped. A few bruises covered his cheeks where his questionings had gotten violent. Faintly visible beneath his thin white t-shirt were bandages that wrapped around his torso. His left kidney had to be removed after receiving massive trauma from the lance that pierced his Eva. If he noticed his scrutiny, he gave no indication of it. He simply stood there, rocking from side to side slowly like the pendulum of a clock. But as the voices boomed out, his head jerked up and his eyes widened, growing ever more horrified as they continued.

"The Second Child has fallen, lost in a coma, never to come out. You were cowardly and weak when she needed you the most. YOU HAVE FAILED!"

"The First Child is gone, most likely dead in the depths of Terminal Dogma to a JSSDF commando. You were so busy wallowing in self-pity that you couldn't find her and tell her to hide!"

"Misato Katursagi is dead! Lost! Gone! She sacrificed herself for you, and you repaid her by failing to even protect those she cared about. Your hands are covered by the blood of the innocent. Tell me, do you keep her cross to comfort or to condemn you?" Tears began to form at the edges of Shinji's eyes, and his mouth began to open, trying to stutter out denials even as the accusations rang true in his ears. One of his hands touched the silver chain around his neck that carried all that remained of his guardian.

"Your father is dead. Gendo Ikari was killed by the JSSDF who slipped into Terminal Dogma ahead of your father while his private elevator was transporting him there. You never got to confront your father and tell him how you felt, whether it be love or hate. You are unworthy of a family!" 

"Over seven thousand dead. Seven thousand men, women, and children. People who were mothers, fathers, children, husbands, wives… you failed them all. No one could ever love you now. You are alone." Keel's voice once again was felt throughout the room, and at these words Shinji's hands flew up over his ears he crouched down, his knees pressing against his nose. The moment he did this two suited men came out of the shadows. They grabbed him by his wrists, lifted him up off his feet, and pulled his hands away from his ears. He simply hung there between them, crucified. His eyes were hidden behind his bangs, but his teeth were clenched together in agony.

"Not all is lost, however…" Shinji's head remained hung low towards the ground.

"There is still hope for you. Hope which you do not deserve, but we will offer it because those who are dead do deserve it." Shinji twitched slightly, his fist clenching for a moment in the hand of one of the agents, but he remained unresponsive.

"We offer this hope to you…" The voice became almost benevolent. Shinji looked up slightly, and tears began to fall from his eyes. He deserved no hope, merely condemnation, his head sunk again.

"The road is long and hard. You will have to kill your heart and be damned in the voices of the world. But you already are going down that path. If you agree, at the end of the road, you will have everyone back… Everyone. Think of it, a second chance is rarely given, but you could see them all again and more. You would never be lonely or have to suffer this pain again… if you don't, you will be still be hated and alone, but nothing will come of it." The benevolent, reasonable tone continued.

The boy looked up, still hanging by his arms, and for a moment he seemed to be gathering himself. The committee paused, giving the child time to collect himself. The sound of a throat swallowing was heard, following by a stuttering, tearful voice. 

"How… h-how… can you d-do… this? I don't… deserve… any. I just want… t-to… d-d-d…die." The boy began to look wilder, coming slightly out of his shell for the first time since his Eva had been struck down. His voice raised in pitch, growing louder and shriller, yet the stuttering began to fade as well.

"I don't… deserve a-any of this. I-I'm horrible! I'm wretched! I'm weak! I'm stupid! I BETRAYED EVERYONE! I… I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!" The roar faded, followed by the sounds of crying. In his office, unseen, Keel smiled.

"Yet you do deserve something. You have suffered so much at the hands of others and received nothing in return. You were abandoned, unloved, and hated. Yes, you were and are weak, but there are reasons for this weakness. We offer you strength, and the hope that one day you will hear those three words, 'I love you.'" The tears continued to fall from Shinji's face, and he remained silent. Could he want this? Could he be here? The questions filled him. Then he remembered how he felt when Kaoru said he loved him. He wanted to feel that way again.

"Wouldn't you like that?" A barely audible affirmative answered him, and once again a cruel, predatory smile graced Keel's features. He enjoyed manipulating people, though he rationalized this pleasure by saying it was what was best for mankind.

"But you are not the only one who deserves this, all of mankind does. For there is much suffering in the world. You have seen this, yes? You heard it when Misato cried for her lost love, when Toji Suzuhara talked about his sister, in the loneliness and misery that seemed to fill the faces of everyone around you. Yes, there is indeed much suffering, and we will be the ones to save mankind from it." Shinji seemed to nod a bit again. The world suffered, everyone suffered, him most of all, but if he could help… maybe he could be forgiven?

"Your father has opposed us in this. He sought revenge on the world for the death of his wife and your mother. We admit that we were responsible for the attack on Nerv central." Shinji looked shocked for a moment, then suddenly anger filled his eyes and his whole body began to tremble. The two guards that were holding him up glanced down at him then glanced at each other from behind mirrored sunglasses, but returned to staring forward once again when Shinji did nothing more than that. Keel knew that the next few moments were crucial, if Shinji did not know about SEELE's involvement, he might find out later and feel betrayed and thus would become unusable. If he knew, he might reject them outright. Thus Keel was forced to reveal a bent truth.

"The attack was not originally meant to be an attack, however. Your father was going to do something horrible. His master plan was almost complete, and it would end with a Third Impact more horrific than any the angels could make. Your father saw mankind as unworthy and decided they would be a suitable sacrifice if he could be reunited with his wife." Shinji once again looked confused, but the anger remained.

"There was to be no violence, but your father decided to trade the lives of everyone in Nerv for a distraction while he initiated the end of the world. Misato, Rei, Asuka… all of them went to their deaths to protect him. Even you were scheduled to die to the Lances of Longinus." The anger seemed to fade slightly, and once again the weak, pitiful voice that made Keel smirk came forth.

"H-how?"

"You knew that an angel was kept in the depths of Terminal Dogma, yes?" A slight nod answered him. "What you did not know that your father possessed a second incapacitated angel that he planned to unite with the first to end the world. Everyone died to stop our forces from preventing this. Nerv was his tool for a revenge that went beyond cruel. It is a miracle that we are alive today, and even death for those you love was better than what he had planned. They wait for you to bring them back…"

"Father…" The boy murmured then hung his head.

"Yes, you have his blood in your veins. Is it not your obligation then to try to make up for the pain he has caused? Are you going to run away again? There is no one left to run to, no where left to go. Your life would be nothing more than a shadow spent in mourning. You would be too weak to do penance for yourself and for him." 

Shinji looked at the twelve monoliths, still disoriented, frightened, and devastated, but he felt a slight hope growing in his chest. He didn't deserve love or anything else, but other people did, and maybe he could be the one to give it to them, and afterwards he could have them back. Maybe they'd even forgive him. He didn't know very much about who these men were or why they offered him this, but he was simply too shattered to even begin thinking that they had ulterior motives. He looked around slowly like an old man, then murmured that he wouldn't run away. Keel folded his hands in front of his face and smiled.

"Excellent… you will be taken to Tokyo 2 where you will resume your education. You will live under the care of our organization. Do as we say, and in approximately fifteen years you will embrace your destiny… and you will see all of them again."

Authors Notes: I don't have a whole lot to say. It's going to be a long and interesting ride from here on out, and I hope you enjoy it. Also, I'd like to thank D, my pre-reader, and everyone over at EFML who gave me comments and criticism. This story wouldn't be much without them.


	2. Coming Home/Going Away

Disclaimer: Second verse is the same as the first.

Chapter One: Coming Home/Going Away

"Hmm… she's lucky she didn't just fall apart when they pulled her out of that thing, really. When she got here her body was barely holding itself together. Holes all over her…" Dr. Yutaka Tsuru stated in a detached voice as he scribbled notes down onto her clipboard to the elderly nurse which stood next to him. He was a short, middle aged man with silver-gray hair and a very jaded outlook on life. He was only talking for the benefit his companion, an elderly woman who had somehow managed to keep her sympathy for her fellow man in spite of all she had seen, or perhaps because of it. The two had become friends when Tsuru had first joined the staff of the hospital when he was 28, and they still made their rounds together when they could.

"Yes, poor thing. Those children have gone through so much, it's tragic it all had to end like this. I don't understand why they couldn't have used soldiers instead, at least they would've been able to deal with the pain and had already lived most of their lives." Miho Yamshita said in a sad voice punctuated by harshness at the end, all the while shaking her head. Tsuru smiled at her sadly, though it was mostly for her benefit rather than out of any real sympathy for his patient.

"The puncture wounds are strange, however. I was there when she just arrived, and there was nothing actually in them. I had received a briefing about her identity as an Eva pilot, and why it would be important to save her for PR and interrogation purposes, but they never said where the injuries came from The cuts are unusual too, very precise. Strange, but they might make it possible to save most of her organs and her arm." He tried to make this last phrase sound a little upbeat, but it just came off as phony. Miho smiled at him. She felt sorry for his callousness even as he pitied her naïve nature, and she appreciated it when he tried to humor her, even though she knew that's all it was.

The doctor continued to scribble notes down on his clipboard, noting dosages for the medicines that were keeping her alive while the nurse checked the machines and IV drip that kept the young girl alive. There was an awkward silence that went unnoticed as the two were too busy performing their duties.

"Do you think she'll ever wake up, Yukata?" 

"I doubt it, she's simply undergone too much trauma, and according to this there're some very strange things going around in her body. All Nerv would say was they're a side affect of her position. We simply don't know how she'd react to chemical stimulus, and we've been told specifically not to try anything that might kill her. The only way she'll ever wake up is if she wants to, and somehow I just don't think that'll happen. It looks like the JSSDF won't get their Eva pilot."

Miho frowned a bit at that last cold-hearted slip, but said nothing about it as the two finished their routine and headed on to the next patient. Hundreds had been brought in after the Nerv incident, as the news was calling it, though no one knew the details of what exactly the Nerv incident was as the government and UN had said that anyone entering Tokyo-3 without authorization would be shot until an official investigation could be finished. Many of the people brought in were gunshot or severe burn victims, hinting that something darker and more human than the massive alien invaders the news had spoken of had caused this. The elderly nurse spared one more glance at the prone girl on the bed who looked like little more than a mummy except for the auburn hair that flowed out through her bandages. The door closed with a click.

Inside the shattered remains of her mind, Asuka was with her mother again. They were sitting at the dinner table in their old house on the outskirts of Hamburg wearing scuffed and torn red plug suits. Aside from the strange attire and the fact that the drapes on the windows were pulled shut, something they never had been in the real world, the scene was surprisingly accurate. The only thing lacking was sound, aside from the soft movements of silverware or the ticking of the grandfather clock. Normally she could've heard children playing outside or the soft creaks and complaints of the old house. Instead there was an almost heavy silence.

For a while, the two had simply sat eating as Asuka adjusted to being back home again with her mother. For a long time she had simply looked at the older woman, trying to formulate her words but never succeeding. Occasionally, she would catch her mother looking staring back at her sadly, but both would always look away immediately, as though unable to confront their own regrets mirrored in the other's eyes. When she would look back, her mother would always be smiling at her again without any of the pain on her face. The sudden chiming of the great old grandfather clock which stood behind her shocked Asuka out of her contemplations, and as the tiny wooden figurines came out of the face and began their hourly dance she spoke finally.

"Mama?"

"Yes, dear?" Kyoko looked up from the slice of meat she was cutting and smiled warmly at her daughter. They looked remarkably similar with the same hair color and the same eyes. The only differences were age and Kyoko's hair was cut to the base of her neck. 

"Why?" Asuka asked her mother softly. It was completely devoid of fire or passion, but it had a pleading tone that demanded an answer more than any shout could. A thousand questions were put into one.

Her mother's smile changed from warm to sad, and for a moment Kyoko simply looked at her daughter.

"That's a very tough question to answer, though accepting the answer is more difficult than forming it. Are you sure you want to ask that? You've gone through a lot and if you want to just enjoy dinner a little longer, I understand." Asuka wasn't sure, but beneath the calm tones she could almost hear a note of pleading.

"No, I… have to know. After all that's happened there has to be something…" Asuka continued to watch her mother, silently begging for a response.

"Alright then", Kyoko took a deep breath then shook her head slightly, red hair drifting about her face "I know you wanted more, but all I can say is there's no real justification for all that's happened. Sometimes life is happy, or sad, or somewhere in between. No matter how well you live, or how hard you fight, sometimes dreams will die and you will see everything that matters to you fall to pieces. I wish I could tell you there's a truth we can all follow that will ensure our lives will be filled with happiness, but there isn't. And often when you look too hard for that truth, you'll find a lie instead. We both did that. I was trying to justify my existence to your father, to the world, and I thought I found it in Eva. I thought it could make up for the other failures in my life. So I worked and neglected everything else, and the world that should've mattered to me withered and died. I tried to find something that wasn't there, and because of that I ended up ignoring the simple things that make life worthwhile." The mother smiled sadly, "I regret many things, but I've learned to accept them."

"And?" Asuka prompted, looking slightly cooler now, more analytical. In reality she was just trying to keep her emotions in control, the fact that her mother was so circular around the issue showed that it still hurt her, still hurt both of them. Kyoko was silent for a moment, caught in her own thoughts, as though she didn't want to continue.

"You wanted a doll to see you, so you became a doll yourself. I'm sorry I have to put it so harshly, but that's what your last images of me were." The older woman paused for a moment, unable to look her daughter in the eyes, then frowned slightly in determination and forced herself to continue "and that's ultimately what you yourself became. You gave up so much for fame, glory, and power when all you really wanted was someone that wouldn't leave you. You became a shell of a human being, trying to forget what you thought were weaker emotions but in reality make us human. It hurts so bad sometimes to be lonely, and pain makes it hard to think, so we do silly things that dominate us for the rest of our lives. You were so hurt that you couldn't be proud of yourself anymore. You couldn't admit when you knew you were wrong, not even yourself."

"So this is all how it ends then, isn't it? It should've been different…" Asuka's head hung low and her hair shrouded her features. "Eva was a mistake, everything I've ever done has been just one… mistake." 

"No, you lived. After everything you fought to survive, that's strength, strength which I can only wish I had. I'm proud of you. And it's not over, either, for now everything is resting, but when it's time it will begin again. I don't know how it will be, or what you will find when you wake up, but when you're ready, come back to the world." 

For a moment silence except for the soft ticking of the clock held the room. Asuka's hand rested limply against the table, and her lips moved slightly as though trying to say something. Then she shook her head, burying her thoughts deep within herself as she had so many times before, and looked up at her mother with a warm smile. Kyoko seemed worried for a moment by her daughter's behavior, then picked up her fork and knife once again before resuming the conversation.

"Now, what about Shinji?"

"He didn't come for me… either time", Asuka answered simply and the smile on her face disappeared

"Remember what I said about people making mistakes. Sometimes suffering causes people to lose themselves." Something about the way her mother said that made Asuka think that the statement was not merely about Shinji, but she chose not to comment.

"I don't know, I really don't know. Some day I will, though."

Dinner continued.

In New Yokosuka a landlord sat on a threadbare armchair watching the news. Images of the N2 mine explosion and the giant purple cross as seen from Tokyo 2 dominated the screen as the nasal voice of the announcer explained what was believed to have happened and what the government was saying. 

"In addition, the UN says that it will take Nerv back under its command and use it as a peacekeeping organization in order to reduce the standing army the UN has maintained since Second Impact. This is expected to considerably reduce the budget expenditures, perhaps by as much as 7%, though whether or not Evangelions or some other form of mecha-technology will be used as the center of the Nerv peacekeeping initiative has yet to be revealed to the public. All members of the security council have announced that they support this decision, though rumors abound about what conditions have been placed upon the reactivation of Nerv. Also while, the conditions of the pilots of the Evangelions has yet to be released, unverified reports indicate that all three are incapac…" the sound of the television was overshadowed by a soft yet insistent knocking at the door.

The owner of the apartments stood up and grunted, pausing for a moment to scratch his protruding gut under his T-shirt, then went to answer the door. He hoped it wasn't that damn Mrs. Hashimoto complaining about the water again, he was getting it fixed and the damn bitch was always late on rent anyways..

The door opened to reveal a pale young girl with the damn strangest hair and eye color he had ever seen. The rest of her was pretty odd too, with dirt covering most of her face and what looked like a school uniform. For a moment he was too surprised and simply blinked while the girl stared at him expressionlessly. After regaining his composure and his bad temper, the man glared down at her as though waiting for her to speak. When she didn't, he kindly took the initiative.

"D'hell do you want?" he snarled accusingly as he glared down at her with narrow eyes.

"I am inquiring about renting an apartment for a indeterminate amount of time." The girl didn't seem bothered at all by his rudeness, and the way in which she spoke was odd. The big stack of yen that had suddenly appeared in her hand and was now being shown to him more than made up for a bad first impression, however.

"Hmmm… maybe we can work something out… due to all these refugees, finding good, high quality apartments like these is really hard, though, and prices are through the roof" If she noticed the lie, both about apartments being hard to find in the area and the high quality, the girl's red eyes gave no hint of it. 

"It'll cost you say…", the man appeared to consider how much he could get from her, "Twenty five… no… thirty five thousand yen a month for a single." 

He had expected her at that time to complain or at least get annoyed. But the girl simply nodded then handed the stack of money over to him.

"That is a little over seventy thousand. Where is my room located?" She asked in a soft voice. The man was surprised at first, then smiled widely at her, a gesture that would've frightened most animals and small children. He found it odd that she didn't inquire about a key, but he simply shrugged and reached over to a panel on the wall and picked one at random from the many that were hanging there then tossed it to her. She caught it easily.

"The number's on there, move in whenever, it's empty. If you have any complaints, fuck off." By now he was impatient again, even though the transaction had gone quickly and he had ripped her off for a good thirty thousand yen, and wanted to return to his chair where he could scratch himself in peace.

Rei Ayanami blinked once but never showed any annoyance with the man's crude behavior, "No, I doubt that would remove any problems with my residence, but I will move in now."

The landlord simply stood there shocked for a moment as she simply walked over to a large suitcase that was as battered as she was. She picked it up with both hands so that her key was situated between two fingers then made her way down the hall. He didn't know who she was or why she was here, but he didn't care. A lot of his tenants were shady and didn't like to talk about their pasts or themselves. He kept a few extra doors and windows in a storeroom for when the police came and smashed them down.

Rei proceeded down the dimly lit hall. The sounds of crying babies or loud arguments were her only companions as she proceeded towards her room. In the stairwell, a drug addict propped up against one of the banisters muttered a few words asking for some change to buy some food and reached out with one grimy hand towards her, but she calmly ignored him even when his clammy fingers brushed across her calf. There was very little time to erase herself. She knew that she was being followed, and she imagined that a very large number of JSSDF agents would be arriving shortly. 

Finally, she reached her third floor apartment and unlocked the door. Immediately the stench of decay and garbage hit her nose, but all the response this received from her was a slight frown. She stepped over the corpse of a large rat and a brackish puddle which surrounded the toppled over refrigerator. Once she reached the bed, the suitcase was dropped on the mattress, heedless of the stains which covered it. A moment later it was unzipped and opened, revealing four changes of casual clothing amongst a variety of other things, including three black cases and a Japanese-English translation guide she did not think she would need.

First from the suitcase came a set of brown contacts, hair coloring, and a small bottle of skin toner which Rei took into the bathroom. She turned the sink on, and it sputtered out some brownish, stinking liquid before finally a stream of reasonably clean water came out. She leaned her head under the faucet and wet her hair until it stuck heavily to her face, then quickly applied the coloring, massaging her unruly tangles until it was evenly distributed, then she washed it again. Next, she placed the contacts in her eyes, carefully fitting them so that none of the natural red color showed through. Finally came the skin toner. She had been given long two pairs of sleeved shirts and pants rather than her usual school uniforms because too much skin to cover would use it up quickly. She squirted a little bit into her hands and quickly applied it. She looked up then to confirm her appearance in the mirror, and she was intrigued for a moment by the black haired, brown eyed girl with a healthy tan that stared back at her. She did not know how she felt about it, but deemed that it didn't really matter in light of the fact that she would need to erase her identity in order to survive.

She returned to the main room and quickly changed out of her dirty school uniform and into some clean blue jeans and a gray sweatshirt. She got the sweatshirt on backwards, but did not notice as she had never worn one before. The rumpled and threadbare school uniform was casually tossed on the bed, then Rei leaned over and straightened it out until it covered as much of the grimy surface as possible. The first case to open was a large black one, and anyone who did not know what it contained beforehand would have been shocked. A partial skeleton was in it. She placed the bones on the bed, with the skull on top of the pillow and the rest of them scattered about. After taking a moment to examine her handiwork, she opened another of the containers in the suitcase. Within it was a small device with a timer which she set in the middle of the bed right above the pelvis of the bones. She set it for five minutes. She would be out in three. She had trained for this many times at Nerv. Finally, the last case was taken in hand and its contents were confirmed, several ID cards, a birth certificate, a passport, and several check cards which had access to very full accounts. She removed these, leaving one last object inside of it. She closed the suitcase, took it in her other hand, and walked out the still open door. She placed the final case on a radiator several doors down, then walked out the way she came.

One minute fifteen seconds after she walked out of what had briefly been her apartment building, several black vans pulled up violently in front of the run down structure and a large number of commandos poured out. Forty-five seconds after that a small device in apartment 307 of the Abe Apartment Building released a fine chemical mist which was ignited a moment later. The fire burned at over ten thousand degrees for a few brief seconds, melting the cinderblocks and vaporizing almost everything in the room. The commando team, after asking the landlord about Rei's apartment with several swift kicks to the stomach, arrived just in time to see the door explode outward in a ball of bluish white fire. Moments later the leader of the team, a member of the JSSDF special ops since shortly after the Second Impact and the only one on that mission unshaken by the explosion, found a small black container . Within was a neatly written note saying, "My purpose is no longer possible to achieve. My existence is no longer relevant." None of them noticed another commando, a man who had only been on the team for a week, stare out the window at a black haired girl off in the distance who was walking calmly away from the building. He unconsciously touched a bulge in the shape of a ring through his left glove and smiled to himself.

Several hours later, Rei Ayanami, now Akane Kanno, sat in the bus that would take her to the Tokyo 2 airport, she stared out the window and contemplated the past month of running from the JSSDF, starting with the initial attack on Nerv headquarters. While most of the events were not important to her, a few were worthy of contemplation. 

Commander Ikari was an extremely devious man. Every plan had a back-up plan, and every back-up plan had even further safeguards. Even he, however, had not foreseen that a small team of special forces would slip into Terminal Dogma by climbing down the long, dark hole that lead into the heart of Nerv. As he went to find Rei, they had moved to the entrance of the LCL plant and prepared to ambush him, tipped off by the SEELE committee. The enemy had surprised the two and had gunned down the Commander just as they were in sight of their ultimate destination. Even Rei was stunned by the sudden and violent attack, though it was only showed in a single step back. She would have died if the first storm of bullets hadn't been directed at the Commander. He didn't even cry out as he fell to the floor, his glasses flying off his face and clattering to the ground a few feet away from him.

She had barely managed to deploy her AT field in time to block the next hail of bullets,. Orange light and the flashes of gunfire illuminated her face, and the commando's assault slackened as they were unconsciously disconcerted by her expression. To most it would have seemed calm and cold, but if Commander Ikari had been alive he would've seen the slightly uncertain downturn of her lips and the surprise in her eyes. For a brief moment the compulsion to run forward and take Adam into herself to begin Third Impact filled her, but cold logic had won out over her instinctual urge. She knew that while her AT-field could protect her from their weapons, all they had to do to stop her was stand between her and the entrance to the LCL plant until she grew tired. While she was part angel, her physiology was still that of a young adolescent for the most part. In addition to that, several members of the JSDF had quickly dragged the Commander's corpse away, apparently acting under SEELE's orders to retrieve Adam immediately. A quick turn on her heels and she began to flee back into the depths of Terminal Dogma in search of a hiding place. Perhaps the scrap yard, she thought. This became unnecessary when one of the soldiers had the bright idea of throwing a grenade which promptly bounced back in a flare of orange light and exploded amongst her attackers. She had escaped Nerv a few hours later, using little known ventilation shafts and passages. Having lived there most of her life had its advantages. Thirty minutes later at a small rusty shed on the outskirts of the now ruined Tokyo 3, she retrieved a large, tattered suitcase from behind some fuel drums and spare tires.

One thing still struck her as odd, though. Adam had chosen not to protect the Commander, not because he was dormant, she had felt him stirring as the two had approached the massive chamber containing Lillith, but for reasons she did not understand. Perhaps he had found Commander Ikari unworthy of controlling Third Impact as she had, or perhaps he simply wanted revenge on the man which had first captured him in the Antarctic then imprisoned him for fifteen long years. But these answers seemed unsatisfactory to her. Pettiness was a very human emotion, and his thought processes were not human at all. She knew that he felt the same urge to join with Lillith that she did, but he was patient. He had waited hundreds of thousands if not millions of years, and would wait a little while longer if need be. It seemed that Adam had his own plans, and the time and circumstances had to be right for them.

The rest of her journey was a contingency plan of the Commander's. He had realized that SEELE might act against him before he was ready to initiate his Third Impact, and had thus formed plans for himself and Rei to go into hiding until he was ready to restart his scenario. His considerable power was used to form new identities for both of them, complete with census, tax, and in his case, criminal records. Bank accounts were set aside, condominiums and apartments were purchased in Japan, China, and America under false names, and for Rei a set of bones had been taken from one of the clones so she could fake her suicide. They had been treated with chemicals as well to make carbon dating difficult if not impossible, but the DNA extracted from them and the dental records would show they had been her.

She did not know what she herself would do aside from wait in America until it was time to return and decide the fate of humanity. She had begun to feel strange and confusing emotions that had surfaced only briefly in her previous incarnations, and she was not sure if it would be good to have time to examine them or bad to have to endure them while she waited. She closed her eyes, letting her mind drift while she pondered them further. 

The Commander. Fear, pity, and sadness. He had become a part of her by teaching her, talking to her. He had been the focus of her previous incarnations' existences. He was her creator, her father? She did not know, but she felt that might be what the relationship between them was. And yet he used her and had stopped being a part of her existence. Was she still the same person?

Evangelion Unit-00. Prototype. The prototype for the Eva as she was the prototype for the pilot. It no longer existed. She had once told someone that it was her bond to humanity. Was she still bonded to humanity? Was she human at all? She looked like a human, but humans look like many things.

Shinji Ikari. Who was he? Why had she stopped Kaoru from starting Third Impact? Why was she thinking of him as she descended into the depths of Terminal Dogma with the Commander? She had talked to him several times, always briefly. The first time he seemed confused, and on subsequent occasions he had seemed frightened. Was he frightened of Third Impact? Did he know? She knew not why he drew out these feelings in her, she spoke with Dr. Akagi much more often, yet she felt nothing about her. Curiosity? Care? So many questions, so few answers. Would she ever get answers? She felt, but she was unable to define it. It was always like that.

The ghostly images from her past lives danced through her head. Words and phrases though from or to whom she did not know. A spiteful girl with red hair. Two boys in a classroom laughing at the red haired one and another. An elderly man, ignored, rambling about the past. A shadow moving across the sky. Smiling. Standing behind a shield as a beam of light came to destroy her. Her Eva? Cringing on the ground as her soul was invaded. An angel? A tear. 

So many people, so many people, who were they? 

Those memories, were they truly hers? She knew of Rei II, but she did not know of Rei II. She seemed to live beyond her dreams and could only be glimpsed faintly through the veil of death. Death and rebirth. Was it the past or a reflection of someone else?

Her dream continued, growing less and less coherent until all that was left was flowing visions of light and water, mountains and sky, silence and motion.

Authors notes: Again, not much to say. The real story begins next chapter, but hopefully everyone now knows what happened to the girls. I'd also like to give a huge thanks to my pre-readers for this chapter, D and Laval. They helped me improve it a ton and I owe both of them a lot.

Hope you enjoyed it, please review, the longer the better (and criticisms are more than welcome).


	3. A Game/Disappointments

Disclaimer: I said all that needs to be said in the prologue. If you're the kind of person who enjoys reading disclaimers go for it.

Chapter Two: A Game/Disappointments

Two figures stood face to face before an elevator, both of them dying in different ways. Something happened that was not supposed to have happened. The taller spoke three words, and the shorter figure looked up sharply, stunned. The first figure spoke again and looked expectantly at the second until it nodded, then something on a silver chain was passed between the two. A quick shove from the long-haired one was the only goodbye exchanged, and a silent promise in the heart of a boy was the only lingering sign of affection.

Shinji was trapped in the elevator now, going up to confront the demon he piloted one last time. He was scared and resigned and depressed and bitter and hateful and lonely and confused and empty… it was just too much for him. He slunk to the floor, the back of his school shirt sliding against the unforgiving metal of his cage as he buried his tear covered face in his hands. His fingers clawed at his forehead as though they were trying to clench into fists. Silence reigned except for the tick of the elevator's numbers as it moved up. Beneath him, a distant explosion announced the death of Misato. He twitched slightly and the words "welcome home" echoed through the dark corridors of his mind. He emitted a choked sob, then suddenly the elevator stopped with a bump.

Shinji jerked his head up, confusion breaking through his grief, and he tried to see where he was. The number of the floor he was on was obscured by his tears. It seemed wrong, something seemed very, very wrong. He should be sad right now, horrified, insane even, but all he felt was fear. His legs pushed him into an upright position against his will and his hands flew away from his eyes to clutch vainly at the walls of the elevator. He pressed himself against it as through trying to hide from… What? The doors, yes, the elevator had stopped but the doors were still closed. What was behind the doors? Why had it stopped? He didn't think this was the way to the Eva cages. He was on a service elevator, why was it suddenly so large? Why wasn't he at the Eva cages? The service elevator didn't have a counter like that on it, it only went to a couple of floors. What floor was he on? What was behind the doors? 

The temperature began to drop. The walls felt like they were sucking the heat up from his body, and he wanted to run from them, but the only place he could run to was through the doors. There was something behind them, something he didn't want to see, something bad. He remained against the opposite wall. He could see his breath mist in front of his terrified eyes. He looked again at the counter, and even though he could not read the number, it felt familiar. Then the doors of the elevator began to open with agonizing slowness. The sound of gears and machinery filled the enclosed space as though the entrance to a long sealed crypt was being breached. He crouched slightly, and his wide eyes gained an insane, wild gleam.

A long, dark hall greeted him, and at the end of them were massive double doors like the entrance to a cathedral. There was no sound except his own breathing and the occasional whimper.

"Welcome home." a cold, booming voice greeted him from somewhere within the shadowy passage.

Shinji awoke with a scream. One of his arms swung around to cover his eyes while the other flailed wildly at the air above him. He quickly ran out of breath and let his arms fall to his sides again, finally realizing that he was still in his tiny cell in the Ministry of the Interior. After a few moments spent panting for breath, his eyes still wide with terror, he turned his face against his pillow and began to cry into it. Against his lips he could taste the salt left over from tears the night before and from every night since the battle where he lost the last people he loved. He wished he had his SDAT. The nights were so lonely, and in the darkness his sins found him again and again.

He longed for the nights he spent back at Misato's apartment, before he had hurt Toji, before he had sins that would forever haunt him. He thought he was worthless, mean, and sneaky in those days, and he was, but he had also thought he was evil and unlovable. He had just been whining. He knew that now. Misato had cared for him, and he had friends. He had been loved but had also been too self-absorbed to see it, and he didn't know the first thing about evil. Now his sins filled him. He could almost smell the stench of his tainted soul seeping through his pores. He had turned his back on those who cared for him and now he would be doing penance every night. SEELE had offered him a different sort of penance. Still, even though he didn't know the details of it, he felt that not even it would free him from this torment. Did he want to be freed? He didn't know. Maybe he had lived with the pain so long that it had become a part of himself. Surely he had spent a great deal of his time dwelling upon it. Maybe the hurt was all he had left. Without it, maybe there'd just be emptiness. It didn't matter, he deserved it. 

"Murder… Kaoru… Asuka… Why… Misato… R… Help m… Rei…", he murmured against the pillow as the memories that forever stalked him in his thoughts came once again. Another memory forced his attention upon it, that of his dream. That voice, so familiar…

"S… Father?"

Shinji was rudely torn from this final musing by the sounds of his cell door opening in front of him and the sudden painful sensation of light. For a moment he was blinded as his night vision was torn from him, but curiosity got through his discomfort, and he tilted his head up from the pillow and squinted harshly at the intruder. A shadow, tall and thin to the point of being lanky, was all he could see in the light that streamed through the opening. The figure stood at attention, and Shinji had the uncomfortable sensation of being judged and found lacking once again. For a moment he wondered if it was time for another interrogation. Those were unpleasant and sometimes painful, but that didn't matter, really. Then he remembered, today was the day he would leave with them. Shinji turned his face back into the comforting darkness of the pillow as the figure's gaze continued to bear down upon him.

"Pilot Ikari, come with me. Your possessions have already been transferred to your new residence. I will explain everything you need to know. Do not ask my name, it is irrelevant." The voice was calm and collected, but it had menacing undertone. Shinji nodded slightly, still unable to face the other, then got to his feet like an old man. Without another word, the figure turned and began to walk away. Shinji followed behind him. His face was expressionless as his mind cast its most recent nightmares back into the abyss that opened up to him every night to fill his sleep with demons of his own making. They were not questioned as they passed through the ministry.

Shinji's took several nervous glances at the man as they drove in silence. He had a dark quality that made Shinji afraid to look more than a few moments. His face seemed to be perpetually locked in a scowl which was only emphasized by the harsh wrinkles that covered his features. He was cold and collected, and Shinji felt threatened without saying a thing. He had a strong desire to escape from the car, the silence was worse than any words could ever be. It reminded him of his father's office.

"I'm disappointed. If you expect to succeed in this venture, you will need to gain relevant information quickly by asking questions." Shinji winced at the word "disappointed" and quickly muttered an apology, though he didn't know why. He received no response.

"Negligence can be forgiven early on, but soon even a mistake such as that will require a punishment. Allow me to introduce myself, I am the representative of SEELE, your guardian, and your teacher. Other than that you will not receive information about me. Right now we are proceeding to your new apartment. We will handle all payments and necessities for your survival, but you have other obligations to fulfill. It has already been furnished, and we have transferred all your possessions to there or to storage depending on their importance."

"Is… is my SDAT there?" Shinji felt a pang of shame, like a junkie asking for a hit.

"Yes. Your cello as well."

"T-thank you. M… may… never mind," Shinji finished in a near whisper. The man looked at him then, regarding the pitiful boy before him with cold black eyes, and he seemed to sneer without ever changing his expression. Shinji was relieved when he turned his attention back to the road without saying anything. For a moment he had the urge to ask to go back to Misato's apartment, just to take a few minutes to remember and say goodbye.

"You will attend high school, but you are not permitted to participate in any other social environments. Most of your free time will be taken up by your real education so that when the time comes you will be successful in your purpose. If you fail in your training, you will fail in your purpose, and you will fail everyone. Your training will be unpleasant, but SEELE is wise and knows what is best. 

"Once we arrive at your residence, you will have one hour to get cleaned up and prepare yourself, then we will begin your training by starting to play a little game. We will play this and other games often. Do not disappoint us or you will be punished harshly. Do you have any questions?"

Shinji shook his head abruptly then once again turned his attention out the window, wanting this conversation to end as quickly as possible. He would do what they told him, just like he had for everyone else. As long as they controlled his life so he wouldn't have to worry, he would be content. He just wanted to return to his musings. Maybe he would try thinking about the good times, that might make him feel a little better, mayb…

"Perhaps you did not hear me the first time," a snarling, whispering voice remarked directly into Shinji's ear before a strong hand suddenly struck the back of his neck and caused his forehead to slam against the window with a loud thump. He cried out in pain then cringed away from his "guardian". A trickle of blood made its way down the back of Shinji's neck where a tiny golden ring on the man's pinky finger had scored him.

"First lesson, always pay attention and always get as much information as possible. You didn't ask how to prepare yourself, what the nature of the game we will play is, or any one of a dozen important questions. That sort of stupidity is unforgivable even now." The man was casually driving as though nothing had happened, but there was something that sounded cruelly amused in his tone.

"Does it matter?" Shinji snapped back. The pain had surprised and angered him just enough to overcome his shyness. He quickly realized what he had said and cringed even more like a frightened dog cowering from his master. To his relief, no retaliatory strike came.

The man regarded him again for a moment.

"The answer to the first question would be meaningless, since I doubt you have the capacity to prepare. The rest you will find out later. Right now, you aren't worthy of anything. Next time you disappoint us, the punishment will be worse." The man favored him with the first expression Shinji had seen the entire trip; a large, predatory grin.

Shinji lowered his head, allowing his bangs to cover his eyes. Was all this really worth it? It would be painful. But he deserved pain. He would go along with this regardless of the cost, even if it came to nothing simply because it was what he deserved, and because maybe he would earn the right to be happy again, or somehow win the chance for everyone else to be happy. He just wished they'd stop playing mind games with him. He didn't know how to act or what they wanted from him. He pressed his cheek against the window to watch the skyscrapers slowly grow smaller and smaller until they gradually faded to businesses and houses. He let out a small sigh, creating a small opaque smear on the glass. His fingers began to trace absent patterns on the side of the door, and for a moment it unconsciously clenched itself around the handle before relaxing.

Seven months before Shinji would've been in awe of the size and luxury of the apartment. Three months before he would've been distracted from his misery at least for a little while by it. Now his only thought about it was that it wasn't home. He pushed the door open and walked through the expansive living room to try to find where they had put his SDAT. It made him uncomfortable, everything seemed at odds with his old home. It was all too white and clean, too sterile. There were posters decorating the walls, just a few whimsical watercolors that carried no real soul. There were no stains from various drinks on the expensive leather furniture, and no scent of alcohol and cheap ramen filled the kitchen. It was all very expensive and tasteful. The latest in appliances filled the kitchen, a chef's dream of equipment. The dining room had a skylight directly above the table whose natural light shined off the silver utensils and gleaming porcelain plates. Even the bathroom had white marble fixtures instead of the old beaten devices his own home had. It was still missing something, though. Nothing was dirty, nothing was lived in. The oven had never been used to cook, the plate had never carried food, and even the bathtub had never been bathed in. The whole house smelled like paint and false pines.

He eventually found the little device in what he assumed to be his room, though technically the whole apartment was his. It was placed on the pillow of a bed that was twice the size and infinitely more expensive than what he needed. Next to it, on a stand that was probably worth more than the instrument, was his cello as well as a neat pile of music books. Shinji stood at the entrance of his room, then glanced at the front of the sliding door as though looking for something and trudged in.

He curled up on the bed and fitted the headphones into his ears. Before he turned the SDAT on, he closed his eyes. The ceiling was too unfamiliar to stare up at. Even though the music flowed through him, Shinji's ravaged mind was still given no reprieve. His guardian had told him he had an hour to prepare before he came back and began the game, whatever that was, then left Shinji at the door to his new residence. Shinji didn't even think about taking a shower or changing his clothes, he just wanted to escape for a little while and forget he existed. To do nothing, like he had before he had started living. 

Living, is that what it was? It had been a Pandora's box that had been opened when he had first gone to Tokyo-3, only the good things came out first so he was deceived into staying. He had thought he was finally going to be loved, to learn what it meant to be happy, but in reality he was just waiting until the bad arrived. Yes, he had been deceived, by his father, by Ritsuko, by everyone in some way. Maybe it had just been God, or perhaps God had been the only one to be honest with him. After all, hadn't God sent the angels? He had never tried to deceive Shinji into believing that might be a happy experience. Everything else had been like a hidden tumor that only became visible when it was too late to remove it. The worst thing about it was most of their care had been genuine, and Shinji still believed his feelings at the time were true. He wanted them all back, and the fact he couldn't have it hurt him as much as the knowledge he had failed.

His hand wove itself until the cord of the SDAT was painfully wrapped around his wrist, and he was thankful for the momentary distraction of the pain. He didn't want to think about the last battle, his last failure. He couldn't remember the fighting, it had been like all the other times he was berserk. He could remember the terrible emotions he felt, though. Maybe the tears in his eyes had made it so he couldn't see the lance that finally struck him down, or perhaps he just didn't want to dodge it. It brought him pain, darkness, but no salvation or reprieve. Was death what he wanted? Did only a misguided sense of guilt keep him alive? Or was it something else? He could remember soft words in front of the elevator, but he couldn't remember what they were. They had stirred something in him. The same feeling he had when he had gone to fight the fourteenth. Even now a memory of the sensation came to him, like something waking up inside of him for a moment before going back to sleep. What words had they been, and why did they make him feel like that? 

The cessation of sound from his SDAT as it was turned off by his guardian announced that his hour was over. The man didn't tell Shinji that he had wasted his time or had failed again by not being ready, but the smirk that greeted Shinji as he opened his eyes said enough.

"It's time. Head to the living room."

"Y-yes…" Shinji laid there for a moment longer, then pulled off his headphones and put the SDAT down on the bedspread and followed his guardian. His fingers were strumming restlessly at the side of his leg as he walked, indicating an apprehension at what this "game" might be. He had no illusions that it might be fun.

The two sat on straight-backed wooden chairs, facing each other across a glass table. They were the only chairs that weren't leather, as though they had been specifically intended for business rather than pleasure. Then the man smiled like a hunter who had just cornered his prey. It was time to begin playing.

"The rules of our little game are very simple. I will say things to you. If you lose control of your emotions, your facial expression, your tone of voice, or anything else I will strike you." Shinji blinked and shuffled in his chair, his apprehension changing to shock. He had been able to hide what he felt a few times in his life, as when he confronted his father after the Thirteenth, but that was back before the world had destroyed him. He had more strength then.

"You may also respond or say things to me, and if you can get a reaction out of me you may strike me as well." Shinji looked down at his hands uncertainly.

"We are doing this because it is necessary. In the games adults play, showing weakness or losing control of yourself will result in pain of a much different sort, but pain nonetheless, and being able to see weakness will give you a great advantage over opponents. You will learn to control yourself or you will suffer and your goals will never be reached."

For a moment Shinji seemed about ready to get upset. He was just a child! He shouldn't have to play these games yet, he was no adult! What right did they have to make him into one? His fist suddenly clenched and a hard look that had long been missing found itself in his eyes, but the contemptuous glare from his partner stopped him. No, he wouldn't show weakness, he wouldn't let them down. He didn't understand why he was doing this, but he didn't have a choice, so he would try to avoid pain as much as possible. He didn't know how he felt about hurting someone else, but maybe he could just get by with not being hurt. The fist slowly unclenched, and for a moment the contemptuous look he was receiving softened a bit. Shinji found himself relaxing, maybe he was finally doing something right. Maybe he wouldn't get hit.

"Hmmm… not bad, you actually have a little self control it would seem." The man relaxed as well, one of his arms was slung over the side of his chair's armrest and the other absently drummed out a beat on his knee. For a moment he smiled coolly. It was the first time Shinji had seen him look relatively unlike his fa… unlike a bastard, and he found himself answering with his own small, shy smile and nod of thanks.

"Yes, you might be worth it after all. I can see potential in you, you remind me a bit of myself, you just need a little help. Fortunately, I'm here for you." The man's smile grew a bit. It was almost hypnotic, and Shinji found himself relaxing. Maybe things would turn out alright, though the idea of him being like his new guardian bothered him.

"You'll see them again, don't worry you'll see them all again soon." 

Shinji was completely disarmed, the man tried to hold back a smirk.

"Especially Misato. She became a sort of mother figure to you, yes?" Shinji nodded slightly. He failed to look beyond the warm smile on his opponent's face to see the vicious and amused look in his dark eyes.

"So, did it feel strange to fuck her?" 

Shinji almost found himself nodding again, then his eyes grew wide and he tried to sputter out a denial. He almost fell back in his chair as his legs kicked violently against the floor… SMACK!

With the speed of a striking snake, a hand came out and struck Shinji harshly just below his cheekbone. It would've been a slap except that the fist was clenched. The shock and pain immediately showed in Shinji's face as his arms flailed as he toppled off the chair into a quivering pile on the floor. His eyes were wide in shock as the pain from his injury and suddenly aroused memories coursed through him. He didn't even have the strength to be angry.

"Get up." The smirk finally made its way through the disarming mask. "How pathetic… you disappoint me."

The final phrase was too much for the boy and choked sobs began to fill the room. His father would've said the same thing, and Asuka or Misato surely would've thought it. Shinji tried to curl up, a sense of betrayal filling him as well as hate for himself. How could he have been deceived into thinking that the monster across from him was actually being kind. 

'Idiot, moron' he berated himself as one hand came up to press against the new cut on his face. It was abruptly stopped as the man wrapped a strong hand around his wrist then pulled him roughly to his feet. Shinji found himself face to face with his attacker and turned away, unable to face the cold black eyes that reflected his own pitiful visage. A moment later he was thrown in the chair. His head smacked painfully against the backboard, but he hardly noticed. 

"I'll give you a moment to collect yourself. You won't receive very much time like this. Eventually, you'll be expected to recover instantly or you will be struck again."

After a few moments, the tears stopped and Shinji once again tried to face the man. He just wanted to be hit as little as possible, so in spite of his tear and bloodstained face he tried to look calm. One of his hands continued to dance nervously on the armrest, though the man ignored it this time. The boy's training would have to be gradual, but that didn't mean it would be anything resembling humane.

"One thing I was never very clear on was the incident with the 17th." The conversational tone returned, though it received none of the trust from Shinji that it had the first time. To his credit, he did not twitch.

"I know the identity and name of the Angel. Tabris or Kaoru Nagisa, wasn't it?" The man arched an eyebrow. Shinji nodded hesitantly, taking what was left of his willpower and trying to prevent himself from trembling. The emotions were powerful, but he wouldn't be surprised into letting them out this time.

"I'm just unclear about what happened between you two." So that was it, he was going to imply he had sex with Kaoru. For a moment Shinji felt good, he would evade this attack. Still, remembering his friend hurt badly, and he felt his anger at his opponent grow a bit for using such a callous tactic. He knew what buttons to push.

"You were friends I believe, you became close very quickly. It must've been a very lonely time for you before then." Again Shinji nodded hesitantly, trying to keep his eyes from adding any more tears to his face. Yes, he knew what was coming next.

"Hmm… what was it like when you found out he was an angel? Did you feel hurt? Betrayal? Hatred? Did you want to kill him or did you want to kill yourself?" The words struck cords in his mind, bringing forth memories of the battle, and Shinji twitched slightly as he tried to retain control. He was still going to try to shock him, right?

"During the battle, I imagine you were able to ignore it when you were just trying to survive. Or did it hurt to know that your friend, someone who you thought cared about you, was trying to kill you?" The relaxed quality completely left Shinji's face and tension seemed to fill every muscle. No, the memories… his opponent wasn't using shock this time, he was using his own memories against him. The pain that filled his heart and clawed at his eyes told him that much. He was losing again.

"But he surrendered, and you lived. Then you had to kill him. I saw the synch rate you produced. At that level, you feel the Eva's body as though it were your own. Could you feel the LCL lapping around your feet? Could you feel the AT fields as they clashed and washed over you? Could you feel his body in your hand? Did you feel like a child who was standing in a puddle and had caught an earthworm to torture? Did you feel your friend's bones give way when you squeezed him? Did you hear the splash when his head hit the LCL?" Memories flooded past his emotional barriers, and Shinji let loose a low moan of misery only to be replaced by a yelp of surprise and pain as his antagonist slammed his other hand across the side of the face. The carpet where Shinji landed was stained red as blood from where the tiny blue gem on his guardian's pinky ring had sliced him.

Although he could've justified it as duty or obligation to the world as he watched the boy fall to the floor in a heap yet again, Shinji's guardian chose not to. He was enjoying himself thoroughly, and he expected to have a great deal more fun in the near future. It was more than that though, every time he won he felt a sense of vindication, of righteousness. For what the boy had done… he stopped thinking abruptly, using the self-control he had carefully forged over the course of thirty five years to force his emotions away. His hand unconsciously touched his ring for a moment, unseen by Shinji who was still collapsed on the floor. Pity he would have to be something of a guardian at times, it would be much easier if he could just destroy him. That would be failing, though.

The sound of a door opening was followed by the sound of a fist striking the wall and Shiroh Aida knew it had happened again. On the first day he had gone to his new school, Kensuke discovered a world more harsh and brutal than any imagined before he lost his interest in the military. His fellow classmates had grown up on the bad side of town, and they had learned a different sort of survival than him. One of the tenets of this sort of survival was that in order to maintain your position, you had to keep those lower than you in their place. Kensuke, a naïve suburbanite from Tokyo-3, was the lowest of the low. 

Shiroh tiredly set the classifieds down on the small wooden table next to his armchair and rose up to tend to his son. Though the remains of his pride would never let him say so, he wasn't ashamed of his child. He was ashamed of himself for forcing him to live like this. If only he hadn't been so impressed by amount Nerv was paying to notice the part of the contract that said he had to remain for a full five years or all of it would be forfeit. With a single month left before the deadline, he had been forced to leave, and now the once middleclass family lived in poverty. He wondered briefly how Kensuke would react when he found out that their living arrangements weren't going to change any time soon. He grabbed a small rag off the kitchen counter on the way to the door.

"They jumped me at lunch. The teachers just ignored it," Kensuke muttered in a voice marred by a busted lip. He seemed more angry than whiny, a fact which almost made his father proud.

"You don't deserve it, some people are just ignorant and mean." His father began to clean off his son's face as best as he could. "Life is very hard sometimes, but things will get better." 

Kensuke tried to answer his father's reassuring smile, but both of them were forced and they knew it.

"I'm used to it. Back in Tokyo-3 it was just teasing. I'm an otaku and I never tried to hide it. The fact that I was so enthusiastic about the war made my classmates think I was crazy or something. People who couldn't accept me for that were people I wouldn't like anyways. I could understand the insults, but all this is just too much…" Kensuke's unevenly toned adolescent voice was underlain by a cold seriousness, giving it a maturity that wouldn't have been present back before Toji and Shinji left. 

"Hmmm… well, at least these injuries heal fast enough. Words and mistakes never do that." Kensuke nodded slightly, looking off to the side as his father continued to tend to him.

"I don't mind the pain, I just hate being weak. I always feel weak! I felt strong for a little while back when I had friends, but they left me behind. I just wish I had something I could hold on to, you know?" In a gesture reminiscent of Shinji, Kensuke's fist clenched and his uneven voice became even rougher and slightly choked.

"I'll always be your father, and you'll always have yourself. After you realize that you'll be okay. There are things you can count on, but on a more practical note, we can't have you coming home like this, you'll get the carpet all stained!" 

Kensuke smiled a bit more genuinely, but still sadly at his father's attempts to tease him. The carpet they stood on had come with the apartment. It would've been hard to find a dog willing to sleep on it.

"We don't have a lot of money, but I suppose I could spare a few thousand yen a month so you could get some martial arts training. You know more about that stuff than I do, so you pick what you want to learn." Kensuke looked at his father and nodded a bit, seeing the wisdom in his words. Shiroh remembered a time when his son would've been jumping with excitement, screaming words like "Cool!" and "Awesome!". Pragmatism had erased this, and even though he was proud his son was growing up he still felt a little bit sad.

"I'll go find somewhere this weekend. Maybe I can check the net…"

"That'll be fine."

"Maybe things'll change, I don't like being hurt."

Shiroh nodded. He could've said the exact same thing.

To someone who had only seen pictures of her, she would've been unrecognizable. To anyone who had spent time around her, she would've been unmistakable. Rei moved quietly through the airport clasping her single suitcase in front of her. The crowds parted around her like a rushing river, though she gave them no apparent notice. She didn't even look up when a teenager in a black leather jacket bumped into hard then muttered "get out of the way" as he disappeared back into the human sea.

While she did not show it, the crowds around her were disturbing. She was familiar with the English language, though she did not know exactly how she knew it, and she knew that it was difficult to discern large amounts of voices in a crowd, but the two combined to create an effect that was almost disorienting. There were other things she found strange as well. As she had passed by a news stand where a vendor had rudely shaken a copy of the New York times at her, she saw a couple making out in front of a large window. Even though they were merely silhouettes in front of the setting sun, she had no trouble discerning what they were doing. It was strange. She had never seen people exhibiting that sort of behavior in Japan outside of television or video. Did they think perhaps they had found a secluded spot where such behavior was socially acceptable? She doubted that, many people were pushing by them roughly, and a few men sitting on the small blue seats that lined the walls were watching them. Maybe they didn't care about customs. The Commander had once spoken to her when she had asked about customs, saying that everyone was affected by them to one degree or another and that they could be so deeply ingrained that not following them could cause mental or even physical discomfort. No one had ever told her that customs were different in other countries so that possibility never occurred to her. It had never been important. She could not conclude anything, she was not them and thus could not know them, so she moved on.

She once again glanced down in a small black notebook where the instructions that would guide her to her new residence were written. When the Commander was explaining his plan of escape to her, he had briefly described the safe house she was going to as a two story brick house on approximately seventy acres of land. When she had inquired as to why they were not located in a city, since it would be more convenient to be located close to resources, the Commander had explained that while all government documents had been dealt with, neighbors might require explanations as well, which would be risky. She did not understand why neighbors would grow suspicious since the pair would not cause them inconvenience and they would not do anything to arouse curiosity, but she assumed Commander Ikari had his reasons and so did not continue questioning him. As she moved through the airport, she reflected upon the strange behavior of the couple and wondered if the people here would do anything else unusual, like take notice of her. The idea made her feel slightly… worried.

As she finally pushed through the revolving glass doors that lead outside to where taxis sat idling and waiting for customers, she suddenly encountered a new sensation. The smells and sounds of cars honking were unpleasant but at the same time she felt the unease present in the airport begin to melt away. Odd, why was this? Ignoring a few odd stares and the occasional collision with a member of the human rivers that entered and exited the airport, she closed her eyes and let her mind empty. 

For a moment she remembered walking home from Nerv towards her decrepit apartment building. In the dying light, the alleyways and streets that surrounded her residence gave her a feeling she could not identify but did not enjoy. It had been silent. This she had seen during the brief existence she knew was hers. A part of her felt there should have been other sounds and smells that were not agreeable. A hammering, repeating itself over and over again. The smell of machinery, of cars, like she had smelled before yet more prevalent. The voices of people, yet there were no people when she had awoken, merely silence. She remembered them, or did she dream of them. Did she dream of all of it? They were unpleasant mental images. Yet, the same mental images gave her a brief sense of comfort. Why did it comfort? It had never comforted her to be one place or another. Perhaps now that she was presented with such a drastically different environment she had formed a preference. Interesting. Her musings were interrupted by the scent of cigarette smoke and cheap liquor, and she opened her once red now brown eyes to see the grizzled face of a security guard staring at her angrily.

"You deaf? I said wha da hell ya standin' here for?" His eyes narrowed slightly as he spat the words out.

Rei simply stared at him for a moment, deciding if there would be any point in answering.

The man seemed disconcerted by her, then waved his hand in the approximate direction of a no-loitering sign before moving off to find other troublemakers.

She watched him move away before picking a taxi at random, an old yellow machine with cracks on the headlights and windshield. Without speaking a word, she walked up to the driver who seemed as old and careworn as his machine and nodded briefly. For a moment she considered simply showing him the directions, but quickly realized he probably wouldn't know kanji. 

"I would like to purchase transportation to 1151 Grand Forest Drive approximately fifty miles north of Columbus, Ohio along route 23..." 

"Woah, woah, woah, I got it, I got it." The taxi driver interrupted her as he made a few slight waving motions his arms. He was a gangly old man with gray hair that seemed to come more out of his ears than his head and a perpetual awkward smile. "I've lived in this area all my life, I can get you there. No problem."

Rei immediately stopped talking and began to move around the car towards what she assumed was her seat.

"Not there, you sit in back." Again the man seemed to be in discomfort. Rei nodded slightly, not quite sure why her driver was behaving this way but decided it was probably because she wasn't familiar with this. She opened the door and sat down silently, placing the suitcase between her shins and the driver's seat.

"This isn't going to be cheap, that's a longer ways than I usually go."

"Payment will not be a problem."

The man nodded, seeming slightly more relaxed, then got into his seat and started the car. With a sputter then a roar, the old Taxi's engine started and they were off. For a while, Rei simply observed her surroundings. Not her surroundings outside the car, however. While her surroundings were different from Tokyo-3, they were similar at the same time. She found the inside of the Taxi much more interesting. A pair of odd oversized dice hung from the rearview mirror, and pictures of everything ranging from a smiling little girl to a quiet beach at sunset covered the dashboard. A plastic figure wearing what appeared to be a mixture of grass and flowers also rocked back and forth. Rei pondered these things in silence. She had seen decorations before in Major Katsuragi's house and other locations, though none of this nature. She had always assumed it was to make an area more visually appealing or pleasurable to be in, though she could not see how this did the former or the later.

The taxi driver noticed her scrutiny and smiled a bit, assuming correctly to some degree that she was curious about what they were. 

"That's my granddaughter. She's about your age now, but I took that picture when she was visiting about five years ago. Makes me happy to think about my family, you know?"

Rei did not understand, but she nodded briefly, silently encouraging the man to continue. The explanation would not benefit her, but perhaps it would resolve her musings.

"That's where I went on vacation two years ago, had been saving up for it forever. Went down all the way to the Florida islands. Too bad so much of that place is submerged, still, was real fun. We even went scuba diving at the Florida Keys. It was strange to think the underwater ruins of all those hotels used to have people in them."

Interesting, so these things remind the owner of more pleasurable memories, perhaps it was like her own thoughts of Tokyo-3. Like the smell of automobiles and sounds of cars had reminded her of her own residence, perhaps these images incited the driver's memories.

"By the way, what's your name little lady?"

"Akane Kanno."

"Ah, thought you were Japanese. Could tell by the accent, you speak English very well though."

Rei blinked at the last statement, then nodded a bit. The driver stopped speaking as well as though sensing her wish for silence. She simply stared out the window, watching the countryside as it passed along side the two-lane road. It was interesting, similar to Japan yet very different. There were many different smells she was not used to, most of them earthy but not too unpleasant, and she found that she could not detect the faint smell of the ocean that hid under all the other scents in Tokyo 3. Once she passed through a factory town whose factories had long since abandoned it. It reminded her of Tokyo-3 as well.

He wasn't curled up because his face hurt too much to even press against the soft fabric of his pillow, so instead he lay on his stomach and contemplated the backboard of his bed. He had failed badly. His so-called guardian had played his emotions like a finely tuned violin, though he had brought forth pain rather than music. Shinji had tried to be cold, like he had with his father after he had almost killed Toji, but each time the mask began to slip into place he was ripped out from behind it. Shinji had only realized it was over after having lain on the carpeted floor for a good five minutes and not being mocked or jerked to his feet. After gaining the strength to get up and look around, he had discovered that he was alone in the house. The only sign that he had ever had company was a half damp towel that rested on his chair. He had lost.

Asuka wouldn't have had this trouble, she would've glared the man down until he broke. Misato would've been able to control herself, and Ayanami would've been completely unaffected. His father would've reduced his opponent to a quivering wreck before he was done. Shinji had felt badly outclassed when he first arrived in Tokyo-3, and even when he had the highest synch rate he still felt he wasn't measuring up to expectations. It was happening again.

"I'm a disappointment." 

"Can I be here? I have no right to be here. Someone else should be trying to save them."

"Someone else… someone else bear this burden… I just want to die… die… but I can't even have that, can I? Because even after all this… I want nothing to do with life, but death would just be failing again."

Shinji wasn't sure whether he spoke or thought, but it really didn't matter. He should be the one who had died, who had disappeared, who had fallen asleep forever. He had earned it, hadn't he? He had killed and hurt so many for that simple reward, but they wouldn't let him have it. They just gave him suffering instead. He didn't want it but he felt an obligation to feel it. He didn't know who they were, maybe it was just his own weakness making him blame someone else again. 

His father, he was dead now. He didn't think his father had ever felt anything like this. Had he been like he was because that's what it meant to be immune to emotion? Shinji wished he had the strength to be cold, but he didn't. He could never match up to his father, before or after the man died. He was nothing, he was alone, and in spite of the elaborate heating system in his new residence, he shivered.

Author's notes: I'd say something, but that would give away what's coming up. Things are going to get interesting, though. I'd also like to give a huge thanks to Laval for pre-reading this. If you want to check out his own works, including _Failed_, _Humanity_, and _The Night Long Forgotten_, go to www.darkscribes.org. They're all very worthwhile reads, and _The Night Long Forgotten _is one of my favorites (I like dark fiction).


	4. Life, Death, and Mortality/The Matter of...

Disclaimer: Eva ain't mine.

Chapter Three: Life, Death, and Morality/The Matter of Familiar Ceilings

The doctors were told nothing, merely shown official documents and told to stay out of the patient's room for a few hours. They were understandably worried due to the identity of the patient, but did nothing out of fear of losing their jobs. Many of the staff had transferred to Tokyo-2 from Nerv, and the belief that questions would only be met with silence and worse was ingrained in them.

It was a quick affair. A mixture of men came to the room. Two wearing suits and ties took up positions in front of the door after shutting it and began to watch the hall with vigilant eyes hidden behind mirrored sunglasses. The rest wore white lab coats, but looked as cold and serious as their protectors in spite of their apparent nature as doctors. They also wore surgical masks, not for protection but to conceal their identity. One of them checked the life support system and IV drip to ensure that the procedure would not seriously affect the patient, then another took out a long needle from within his coat. After removing the sterile covering from the tip, he pushed the sleeve of the patient's coat up until a pale white arm lay bare under the harsh lights of the room. It was the only part of the body not covered by bandages. With expert precision, the needle pushed against then inserted itself into the arm. For a moment it stuck as it encountered the bone, but with a little pressure it broke through and came to a rest in the marrow. The doctor quickly obtained the sample, then removed the needle. He took a moment to check it, ensuring they had enough, then wrapped bandage around the injured forelimb. The only evidence of the act was a bright red spot upon the white gauze. The third doctor opened up what at first glanced appeared to be a briefcase and removed from it a small cylinder shrouded in wisps of nitrogen as it turned from liquid to gas. The top of it was quickly opened and the sample was forced into a small plastic container at its center. Both were quickly closed back up and returned to the case. The door was opened and the group left in silence. Their only acknowledgements as they left the hospital were the frightened and subtle glances of the normal staff.

"You were a bit more polite about inviting me here this time," Kozo Fuyutski greeted the monoliths of SEELE in a sarcastic voice. He stood proudly in the center of them, like some ancient druid in a mythical circle of stones confronting his gods, but instead of moonlight his face was bathed in the glowing red light from their designations.

"As with last time, your presence is appreciated." The voice of Keel Lorenz carried no malice as it boomed forth. It did not need to in order to be threatening.

"Hmmm… well, I doubt I'm here for another interrogation. You've certainly been thorough in that regard. Of course, if you have any more questions I'd be happy to answer them." The smirk, which had been hinted at, finally broke through on the elderly man's face causing a burst of pain to shoot through it from the bruise on his cheek.

"We have no questions. We are satisfied with our account of the events surrounding Nerv."

"Yes, of course, and I'm sure the public is satisfied as well. Not necessarily with the same account of events, of course." 

"Indeed they are," Lorenz said in a voice that conveyed a sense of cynical amusement. It was difficult to say who was the target of his contempt.

"I'm wondering though. Why am I still alive? I doubt you have any use for me, and I imagine what I know is a danger to your organization." Fuyutski punctuated his statement with a shrug, as though he really did not care. He had expected to be shot immediately once they were finished with him, so he was somewhat surprised when he was summoned to meet with the council. He didn't think he was that important.

"Quite to the contrary."

"Oh? I am no threat or you have a use for me?" 

"Both," Lorenz stated, a harsh contraction to the former sub-commander's sarcasm. 

"How so?"

"To the first question, you are no threat to us because of your brother, his daughter, and his daughter's children."

"I see, resorting to petty threats now?" Fuyutski's tone of voice had lost its good humor at the mention of his only living relatives. He was not close to them, but he had been once. He treasured the memories of the time before he had known Yui and Gendo, back when he could face himself in the mirror without feeling guilt.

"They are effective."

"Indeed." 

"May I ask what the answer to my second question is, then?"

"Nerv has no Commander. We need someone with experience to watch over it and ensure that it will be as effective as possible in defense of mankind."

"How do you know I won't betray you as Gendo did? Surely in your old age you aren't becoming senile."

Lorenz smirked to himself and leaned forward to rest his chin upon folded hands. The sub-commander he remembered from before the Nerv incident was sarcastic, but not nearly as insulting. Perhaps the poor diet or regular "interrogations" were beginning to affect the old man's judgment and gentlemanly behavior. SEELE-1 had long passed beyond the age where insults would bother him, now the professor's behavior was simply amusing, like a child's. Most men in the world were children compared to the head of SEELE.

"We have more bells this time that we know will ring."

"So you would use me as a puppet?"

"Of course, but at least you would be allowed to live as a reasonably free man. It's better than spending the remainder of your life in prison, hidden from the sun and the world. We could select another candidate; someone with less experience and skills in these matters perhaps, but someone far more willing." 

For a moment, Fuyutski looked away as though thinking, the he smiled again, though it was more rueful this time, an odd throwback to his first meeting with SEELE. No memories accompanied the gesture this time, and he straightened his back slightly as he proudly faced the monolith representing the head of the council. The other monoliths floated silently about him, a grim audience that would have frightened a lesser man, but Fuyutski was not intimidated. He had nothing left save his life that they could take from him, and perhaps that was enough to make him free from their power. 

"Nerv once again, eh? This reminds me of when I was first asked to join GEHRIN a few years after Second Impact. You want to lead me forth into the demon's lair once more I suppose. Though whether I am more or less willing now that I know what awaits me there is debatable." A low chuckle accompanied the statement, and his voice took on a hint of resignation.

"Perhaps, but even more than imprisonment, I think being without a purpose in life would hurt you. That's why you became so interested in Yui Ikari's work, because you saw it as the door to something greater than being a measly college professor," Keel Lorenz said with just a hint of contempt.

"That could be true."

"That's why you left your houseboat to join GEHRIN, even after you found out the true causes of Second Impact and in spite of your moral objections."

A small, sad smile was the only answer Kozo gave to the question.

The Chairman ignored the Professor's expression as he continued in a voice filled with cold accusation.

"I wonder, did you even believe in Gendo's cause? Or did you just want to have a hand in the fate of the world, even if it meant being little more than an assistant that knew a great deal. Perhaps you wanted to see Yui again, but I think the real reason was you couldn't stand not being important. You were a little man who wanted to be great."

"Perhaps, but I'm old now. Time teaches wisdom even as it takes life."

Confident that it wouldn't be seen, Keel Lorenz smiled sadly along with the Professor. Even though they had vastly different agendas, for that moment, even though he would never tell a soul, Lorenz felt a sort of kinship with the man. He had paid much for wisdom; his eyes, his body, perhaps even his soul, and rarely he would ask himself if his life would have been better if he had never started in the first place. He would never take the debate regarding his morality beyond the purely academic, though. He had walked his grim path far too long to leave it for a different life, and any sign of weakness now would result in disaster. Lorenz dismissed his doubts as natural to any intelligent man and his overall conviction did not waver. Still… in the dark hours of the night after his assistants helped him into bed, as he lay next to where his wife once had over forty years before and listened to the soft creaks and groans that echoed throughout his vast manor, he wondered if she would have loved more the wise relic of a man he was now or the ambitious yet naïve dreamer he had once been.

"For some it does. Even if you do not value importance or your life, you should at least value your freedom. Ten, twenty years is a long time to be spent in a dark, dank cell doing nothing."

Fuyutski chuckled a bit at this grave threat, and then spoke in a voice that seemed light but tired at the same time. He had learned that tone of voice in GEHRIN then perfected it in Nerv. It was something that could only be taught by witnessing dreams die.

"Yes, it is, but I have a lot to think about; I've certainly led an interesting life. Gendo and Yui made sure of that." 

"Yet you still avoid the question, so I will confront you with it directly. Will you take up the mantle of Supreme Commander? I can guarantee you will not be involved in the Instrumentality project, merely in the defense of the world." Keel's voice was harsh and confrontational, and the scowl lines on his age-chiseled face hardened with annoyance. The time for flippancy had passed. He wanted to know the Professor's decision and, if it was not suitable, make adjustments. Years spent as a businessman who dealt in the souls of men had made him patient only as long as it benefited him.

Kozo Fuyutski turned his head to the side as though unable to face SEELE-1 directly. The monoliths of the council surrounded him like cold and merciless spectators in an ancient Roman arena. The idea of being imprisoned did not appeal to him. He was old, and yet he did not desire to just waste away either. Age was a cause for him to do more, not less. This was one of the principles that had driven him to become an eminent professor in one of the foremost universities of the world and later to become one of the participants in the most ambitious project in human history. On the other hand, Nerv had taken so much from so many, and the part of him that was painfully human cried out against it. Nerv and Project-E had been formed with great ambition and good intentions, but it was fed with the souls of both the innocent and guilty. He had been there when Yui was absorbed into Unit-1, the first sacrifice. He had read the reports about Dr. Sohryu losing her mind. He had been there when Gendo Ikari, a man once devoted to his wife and son had remarked that he was beginning a new project, a project that was at its heart not just playing God but taking His place. Ultimately, it was his memories of the pilots and their fates that made his decision for him. He thought of Asuka lying in a hospital bed, raped and empty. He thought of Rei, sacrificing herself only to be reborn once again as a tool. He thought of Shinji, alone and empty after watching those he loved taken from him one by one until he was forced to kill Kaoru. The Professor might not have had much humanity left in him, but that part of him which was still human forced him to look back at SEELE-1. He straightened his back and set his jaw proudly, then spoke in a voice firmed by years of teaching and authority.

"No."

Keel would have blinked if he could have. He was honestly surprised and speechless for the first time in many years. The failure of the Third Impact had not blindsided him to this degree. Even in this state, however, he was able to come to a decision quickly and efficiently before any of the other council members could speak.

"Fine. You may leave then. We have no more reason to hold you."

It was now the former Sub-Commander's turn to be surprised. He had expected a much less pleasant response for his refusal. For a moment he almost considered thanking the man before he realized who he was, and the double meaning behind his words. These grim thoughts, as well as his desire to remain in the chamber quickly ended, and he turned sharply on his heel and walked out into the depths of the Ministry of the Interior. Few went in this sub-ground level area, where the darker dealings of the Japanese government took place, but he had walked these dull beige halls many a time when Gendo had sent him to run errands, and for a moment he wondered if this would be the last. 

One minor official, stuck in his boxlike office at a rickety wooden desk, looked up from the release forms of various unimportant Nerv technicians to catch sight of Fuyutski as he passed by. For a moment he thought about sending a call to security to inform them of the person dressed in prison whites in case he was escaping, but something about the proud step of the elderly man and the firm look in his eyes made him stop. It really wasn't that important anyways, and it was better not to get involved concerning people who came from that direction. He had heard stories about people who had gotten too interested in what occurred in the lower halls. None of them were pleasant. As he went back to signing forms that would be signed by a dozen other people before the day was over, he hoped that someday he could look like that. Being another unimportant cog in the machine that was the Ministry of the Interior didn't give him much cause for pride, but everyone needed hope, even members of the government.

As Fuyutski stepped out into the sunlight for the first time in one and a half months, he was struck by an odd memory of another trip to the Ministry of the Interior several months after he first became the sub-commander. It had been a long time since he had thought of such things, and he decided to savor the moment. Times like this are the best to find a little happiness, after all.

Yui walked along side him, that perpetual yet tiny smile of hers gracing her lips in spite of the four hour meeting they had just attended. Kozo was considerably more disgruntled, and feeling the near snarl on his face and seeing the peace on hers caused the difference in their ages to weigh heavily upon him. He felt like an old man, and while he enjoyed his time with Yui normally, he wished Gendo had been able to handle this one. The man was always sending him on these menial jobs, saying he had more important things to do. Fuyutski simply thought his former advisee didn't like to be bored by those ignorant old council members.

For a while the two had walked in silence. Conversation would have been difficult at best anyways with the sounds of construction that played midwife to the birthing city. Kozo was just beginning to wonder once again if sub-commander was just another word for errand boy. He had just started pondering the irony of being ordered around by two of his former students for the thousandth time when suddenly he felt a slim hand wrap around his arm at the elbow. 

Fuyutski turned and looked at his companion to see Yui staring at him with knowing green eyes while inclining her head towards a small corner café. For a moment the middle-aged man was surprised, and he involuntarily stared at her for a moment, something he tried to avoid normally due to age difference if not because of her married status. She was an undeniably lovely girl, and her pale skin made her seem exotic rather than unhealthy. He seemed very bland in his business suit, but she seemed alive in her pale green-blue blouse and slacks. She never wore red. She said it clashed with her eyes too much. Women worried about such silly things. With his eyes he traced her slim arm down to where her hand wrapped around his elbow, and for a moment noticed how it seemed white against the black of his sports jacket. Yui merely laughed under his scrutiny, a light ringing sound that lightened his heavy expression but also surprised him out of his examination.

"Kozo, if you're done looking, I was wondering if you'd like to get something to eat. I don't know about you, but having to listen to a seventy year old babble on about the dangers of technology for an hour makes me hungry," she said in her typically flirtatious and teasing tone.

"Oh, of course, hmmm… That place looks expensive, though," he stammered, but to his credit he resisted the urge to blush. 

"Well, we're still out of GEHRIN business, technically, and we have been charging all our other meals to our official accounts. Something a little more expensive won't upset anyone besides the accountants, and having a high rank lets you ignore little things like that." The innocence in Yui's voice was tinged with mischief, and Kozo found himself nodding and chuckling a bit at both her words and her tone.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt," he agreed as the couple walked through the tiny gate set in an elegant fence that surrounded the outdoor café. 

They picked a glass table near the entrance to the café and sat down opposite each other in ornate metal chairs. It had obviously been designed to imitate a French café, from everything to the small porcelain coffee cups and saucers the people at the other tables were using to the black and white uniforms of the waiters. It was a crowded day there. Businessmen trying to be fashionable occupied almost every other table, and waiters danced between them carrying orders in a state of near panic. Outside cars flew by, honking and screeching at each other while closer the march of the masses provided an unending drumbeat of feet. Yui and Fuyutski were simply gazing around an observing their surroundings in that typically awkward way people have before one of them has decided how to begin a conversation. A waiter dashed by their table and quickly placed, almost threw, two menus down upon it in front of them. Kozo blinked once in surprise as the man dashed off once again into the maze of tables without introducing himself. Apparently the waiters were typically French in their manners as well. He looked down upon it and was not surprised to discover that the items on the menu were considerably expensive as well.

"You've been with us a few months, and we've shown you a lot. What do you think?" Yui's tone was now serious. "I know you were against everything when you first arrived."

"I'm still not sure. It seems so grandiose, like a dream maybe. I guess I wonder if it's all worth it."

"You'll have to find your own answer to that question, I'm afraid. I know Gendo loves to preach about realizing mankind's potential and such, but in reality it's individual lives that will be affected."

Kozo nodded slightly, then, after frowning for a moment, glanced around the area with eye narrowed in concentration. It seemed like it was finally time to discuss some matters he had been mulling over, but it would still be best to ensure no one uninvited was listening. Fortunately, everyone else at the restaurant seemed to be engrossed in his or her own conversations, and the moving crowds did not favor loiterers.

"I guess I just wonder sometimes. Your memorial, man's immortality… when did being individual humans with our own thoughts and hopes stop being enough?" the new sub-commander said in an annoyed voice.

"This is nice, sitting out here… enjoying ourselves… but is it enough? Humanity is so frail, so alone. Times like this end so quickly and become sad. We're like a glass statuette that fell down and broke into a thousand pieces. Sometimes the shards reflect light beautifully, but the pieces are not what the statuette once was or should have been. That's how I think of it at least." Yui smiled sadly.

"How will you know where your dreams end and someone else's begin? Will you have your own dreams at all?"

"Maybe people will share dreams. We do that now, sometimes."

"I suppose we do."

"Humanity is a child trying to grow up. I see it in Shinji, you know. He seems so content with the world sometimes, but other times he cries or is in pain and I don't know how to help him. It's funny, I'm a scientist that discovers the mysteries of life but sometimes I can't even ease my own child." 

"But where does Eva, your memorial, come in?"

"Just because a time has passed doesn't mean it should be forgotten. It's like the baby pictures we keep, or maybe like when we bronze shoes. Humanity has done good things in this form that should be remembered, even if we're destined to pass on."

"Still, it seems these discussions are just peripheral to the real issue," Kozo shook his head slightly then let his chin rest upon his hand. He stared off at the midday traffic almost absently. His former students would have been hard pressed to believe this quietly contemplative man was their strict and somewhat isolated teacher at one time. "I wonder what it will truly be like… beyond all the words and vague analogies." 

Yui seemed about ready to answer when the waiter stepped up to the table and announced his return by clearing his throat. He held a pen and pad in his hands looked at them impatiently as he awaited their orders. Kozo felt a brief surge of annoyance, then glanced down at his menu and rattled off something at random. Yui did the same.

Since then, on occasion when he was thinking about her Fuyutski wondered what her answer might have been. He never asked Gendo, not even during their long discussions where plans where hatched and conspiracies were formed. He simply never felt the kinship with the man that he had with Yui. It would have been inappropriate. 

Now, Kozo opened his eyes once again to find himself standing on the steps of the Ministry of the Interior, fourteen years older and a thousand years wiser. Fuyutski began to walk, tracing the route he had taken so many years before. Perhaps he would see the café once again, if it still existed. He had never gone back. As he began to cross a side street, one final thought came to him, an answer to why he had always been so uncertain about his desire for Third Impact. It wasn't really needed on the grandiose scale SEELE desired, it happened a billion times a day in a billion different forms whenever two humans met. Instrumentality already existed whenever two people understood and loved each other. Friends, husbands and wives, they all complemented each other. The barrier of the soul, the AT-field, could be broken by the words "I love you" as effectively as any Lance of Longinus. The interactions of people were the true Red Earth ceremony.

Back in the SEELE council chambers, there was an uncomfortable silence. Then there came a shuffling from behind several of the massive black monoliths as members collected themselves in preparation to speak. They had expected Kozo to be back in prison right now or worse. SEELE disliked surprises, especially from one of their own. Before the outbursts had a chance to begin, SEELE-1's voice rang out once again in the dark room, silencing their objections. He spoke one word.

"Watch."

For a moment, nothing happened, then out of the dark floor rose another monolith. This one did not have "Sound Only" or a number written across it in glaring red letters, however. Instead, an image flickered to life upon its impassive surface, revealing the front doors of the Ministry. For several minutes, the image did not change. Men in suits walked in and out of the revolving doors, and a few paused on the steps to bow briefly to an associate. Some even stopped to talk briefly or put out their cigarette before going inside, though none lingered for more than a minute or two. In the background, voices and the sounds of car engines could be heard interrupted by the occasional honking or shouting. Then the revolving doors turned once again and an elderly man in plain white clothes walked out into the sunlight. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, attracting the attention of several people as he merely stood there enjoying the outdoors. He then briskly moved down the steps and began to walk on the sidewalk. The screen of the monolith began to follow him slowly, like a car moving along the side of the road. Keel Lorenz felt a bit of pity and regret for what would come next, but it was necessary. Information was dangerous in the wrong hands, and the wrong hands were anyone outside of Nerv and SEELE. 

For a while, Fuyutski simply walked, ignoring the strange looks his haggard appearance received from passers-by, then the former sub-commander crossed a side street that was deserted except for a single black sedan that lay dormant along side several dumpsters. The moment Fuyutski reached the center of the street, it suddenly roared to life, its headlights coming on like the eyes of a predator suddenly opening. The sedan tore out of its parking space with the sound of squealing tires and flung itself at the man at the center of the screen. He hit the car at the dead center of its grill and was flung up over the hood then the roof, his limbs flailing like that of a marionette whose master had suddenly jerked the strings. The council chambers were silent except for the thud of the old man falling to the ground lifelessly, and then sound of the car's straining engine as it fled down the street. The screen turned off and the monolith it was on faded into nothingness.

"He did not seem terribly surprised." SEELE-5 remarked in a heavily accented voice after a moment's silence. This was met by a few cynical chuckles, though Keel did not join in.

"Send for the next candidate, she was as involved with Nerv as he was and should be far more willing to serve as the temporary Commander," Keel spoke once again in a tone that demanded obedience. Then in a voice that could almost be amused as he said, "After all, that is preferable to being cast away."

The Commander had once remarked to her when he was in one of his rare philosophical moods that one of the most interesting experiences a human could have was learning something new about him or herself. Rei found the statement to be accurate at first, before the fall of Nerv. Often at the end of her day before she went to sleep she would simply sit and analyze it from beginning to end. Perhaps it was simply her analytical nature, or perhaps she simply wanted to know the Rei before her from which faint memories would occasionally come, especially when she was around the Commander or Ikari. From these musings, she would occasionally gain insight into the nature of her own identity, and she found these moments to be very interesting and worthwhile indeed.

Now, Rei was learning something new about herself once again, however she was not particularly interested by it. It was similar to the sensation she had received when she had first left the airport and had been reminded of Tokyo-3, but this time it was not pleasant. It had started several nights before when she had gotten out of bed in the early hours of the morning to use the restroom. In the darkness, she had been disoriented and had walked into a wall. It had taken that and her eyes adjusting to the dark for her to remember where she was. Most people would have been happy to move from a dingy, run-down apartment in a condemned building on the bad side of town to a very well furnished ranch style home. Instead, Rei had only felt a vague state of unease as she rested her arm on the wall for a moment, looking at the dark outlines of the bed, desk, and dressers that were in her new room. A few moments later she was slightly surprised to realize she was standing next to where the door to her bathroom would have been had she been in her old apartment. Perhaps not fully being awake had caused the error, but that did not explain the feeling it caused.

She also found herself looking at herself in the mirror more often than she had before. It never seemed to be intentional. She did not feel the need to be vain about her appearance. Sometimes as she was walking about the house she would catch her reflection in the window and simply stand there, gazing at it, pondering her changed features. She knew she could not safely return to her original appearance, but something about having black eyes and brown haired bothered her in a way she could not quite describe. It did not seem familiar, and she did not enjoy it.

On the other hand, there were things she did enjoy. In the expansive back yard of the house was a small farm pond, surrounded by pussy willows. Its water was just clear enough to see the algae and occasional movements of fish beneath the surface. Rei found that she spent more time near it than any other place in her new residence. Every night at 8pm she would go outside and sit down near the shore. The American Midwest had been caught in the same perpetual summer as Japan, and this incited the frogs and crickets that inhabited the area to create a chorus of chirps every night. She had never heard those sounds or any like them before, but they still reminded her of something from before, of dreams that were not hers. Sometimes when she was sitting on the grassy bank she could almost remember being in a different place. It was a memory of being surrounded by people that looked like she did now while she stared out a window and listened to the world. It was a memory that two months ago she would have just regarded as an expected leftover from the soul transfer, but now when she decided to go to the pond it was something to be… anticipated.

She spent a great deal of time there during the day as well. During the brief existence she knew was her own, she had swum a great deal in the pool in the Nerv gymnasium or had drifted weightlessly in the LCL tanks when she wished to think. Being there seemed to be a natural part of existence, in some ways more comfortable than being on land. As she drifted in the water or the LCL, she often wondered if it was similar to what non-existence might be like. Now, in this new place, she would often do the same thing, doing exact laps in the pond even though the lines were missing. Oddly enough, the fish seemed to have grown used to her, and often as she drifted back and forth she would feel the cool water shift with their movements and occasionally she would even collide with one. The sensation of scales unexpectedly brushing up against bare skin then the frantic movements as the animal made its escape would've surprised most people, but Rei was not disturbed by it even the first time it happened. 

Since then, she had begun to look for other things that brought her these sorts of sensations, since in addition to being strangely agreeable, they also seemed to reduce the frequency of the less agreeable ones. She did not know why she began to search for new things, except that often in addition to comfort they also would occasionally bring her further insight into the memories that were hers but not hers. When she asked herself why she did this in the first place, her only answers were further mysteries. 

While Rei did not care about most things, when something caught her attention, she focused upon it to a degree most would consider obsessive. Her mind processed information with machinelike efficiency. Phonebooks, directories, even web pages on the computer she found in the den were all examined thoroughly then discarded. She did not take notes, she did not need to. The first activity she considered was entering junior high. She had many memories, all from before, of a place that all evidence indicated was a school, and she knew her non-work related clothing were school uniforms. Evidence leads to a conclusion. 

This idea was quickly discarded, however. While she had all the required documentation of her identity, she also discovered that there would be forms that would require signature of a parent or guardian since she was, according to her false identity, not eighteen yet. She quickly decided it would be more trouble than it would be worth to pursue a different identity or a signature, even though she could not deny she felt a desire to be there. That brought her to the next possibility, which she was currently investigating.

In addition to swimming and simply thinking on her bed, she had spent a great deal of her free time before the Nerv incident reading. She had found a great many books when she had first arrived, or returned, to her apartment. There had been one physics textbook that had produced a very vivid memory, one more real than most of the others. For a moment she had been sitting in the sunlight reading it, the sounds of children around her, when a shadow had fallen across it and a brash and arrogant female voice, like the Doctor's but not like the Doctor's, had said… what? Something unimportant she assumed, most things were like that. 

All of the books she had left behind were similar to that physics textbook, in that all of them focused on various scientific topics. Where most people would have been bored to tears, for her obtaining new knowledge was agreeable, like water. And so, discovering that her residence lacked any books, the Commander had made sure it was comfortable but avoided having any traces of his own personality in it, she decided to walk seven miles to a small public library near the town of Marion. 

For an hour she simply walked in the grass alongside the two-lane road that passed the library. The skies were swirled with clouds and sunlight, and the brisk wind prevented the heat from growing too oppressive. Rei kept up a constant pace, never once slowing down to look at the perpetually in-bloom patches of wildflowers or the patches of trees within which the movements of deer could just barely be seen. She noticed these things of course, but they didn't interest her. The less pleasant features of her walk did not bother her either. Several times poorly maintained cars passed her and kicked up clouds of exhaust and dust that made Rei's eyes water. They were relics of an era when America was still strong, before she had been ravaged by the wars that followed Second Impact, and their sputtering engines and trails of oily smoke hinted at how much the once great nation had sacrificed of itself in order to survive. Once she passed by a modern looking corporate farm that reeked of too many cows and chickens forced to live too close together. This made her frown slightly. 

Finally, she found the library alongside the road in the center of what might have become a town but instead turned out to be little more than a run-down rest stop. The library was a small building, wedged neatly between a State Liquor Store which proudly advertised beer and cigarettes at state minimum prices and a gas station. It was clean and somewhat modern looking which was more than could be said for its neighbors. She stepped up to the glass door, ignoring a vulgar catcall from one of the liquor store's patrons as he exited, and paused for a moment with her fingers wrapped around the handle. It was strange; in spite of the long walk there she felt a moment of uncertainty, as she had right before the doors to the LCL plant during the final battle. It felt like things would change in a way she could not control once she went into this place. That was illogical though, she had never had anything unpredictable happen at the Nerv library and that was similar to this one. So she opened the door whose only decoration was a hand written sign advertising reading classes for young children and stepped through. Several years later while reflecting, she would realize that her intuition was more correct than her logic. It would be an interesting observation.

Martha Paul, the librarian, was also known to the younger patrons of the library as Grandma Pitchfork in honor of the display next to the door which consisted of tools from the family farm she and her now dead husband had owned before the Second Impact. They had lost it during the '90s in the depression, and it had been replaced by a large corporate farm. After telling this to her listener, who was anyone lucky or unlucky enough to be around when she felt like talking, she would say that it was the best thing that ever happened to her. When asked why she had the display if she hated that life, she would laugh and reply that it was there to remind her how good she had it now. She genuinely enjoyed her meager position, since it not only allowed her to satisfy her love of reading, but to indulge her other hobby as well, being a busybody. Gossip from the person who was supposed to maintain the rule of silence filled the small building whenever one of her friends, acquaintances, or anyone whose name she knew visited. Another of her odd traits was to not only take it upon herself as being the person who ran the library, but to be an advisor to its patrons whether they asked or not. Few books passed under her laser pointer during checkout that were not commented upon.

As Rei Ayanami passed through the door of the small building she paused for a moment, feeling a tingling sensation at the back of her neck. She turned her head slowly, calmly returning the gaze of a gray-haired woman that would politely be described as overweight. The woman seemed to be examining her with an excited expression from behind the large checkout desk. She began to step around the counter, apparently to speak to her, when she was suddenly halted by the ringing of the phone from some unseen part of the back office. With a grumble and an oddly quick motion that caused her blue floral dress to spin rapidly, the elderly woman stalked back into her inner sanctuary. Rei stood there for a moment, wondering if she should wait for the woman's return before examining the library's selection in the event that she had instructions to issue.

After waiting a few seconds, Rei heard a loud, excited voice begin to come from where the librarian had gone describing something called "bingo night". This earned a slight frown of confusion from the now black haired girl, then she quietly stepped further into the library to examine the selection. The building was best described as gray. The institutional carpet was gray, the walls were a lighter gray, even the metal shelves that housed the small selection of books were gray. The books and the leafy plant that sat in a pot in one corner next to a strange display of instruments seemed drained of their color by the overwhelming blandness of the rest of the room. Even afternoon sunlight that poured through the half open windows seemed to lose its energy the moment it entered.

Rei did not consider the aesthetics as she passed to the lone computer that served as a card catalog. It was a battered machine from a good five years before, and a small plastic placard next to it read "Donation of the Williams Family." She was familiar with this type of system from her frequent visits to the Nerv library, though instead of a red fig leaf background there was a picture some bright yellow hot air balloons silhouetted against a clear blue sky. Strange, they did not give any clue to the library's affiliation or provide technical support in any way. Perhaps the library was suggesting that potential readers focus on aeronautics. Rei decided it was unclear at best. After a few moments, she selected a stubby pencil and tiny note card with one hand and rapidly began typing and manipulating the battered mouse with the other. 

After twenty minutes at the computer, Rei was pleased that all of her selections were in, but the small number of them was distinctly disappointing. They were also all very out of date, with a good portion of them written in the 1950s and 60s. The most recent publication was the _2010 Survey of the Human Genome_, but she had already read the 2014 edition. Still, the options seemed to be decidedly limited, and she was not terribly interested in older books that advocated proteins over DNA as the building blocks of life. The selection for physics and mathematics was slightly more modern, but a great deal of it was meant to be tutorials explaining simple concepts such as differential calculus and basic Euclidean geometry to school age children. There was simply nothing new to Rei in them. 

She moved from shelf to shelf like a phantom. At each location the call numbers indicated, she would pause and examine the often-worn titles of the books one by one. Occasionally, a pale hand would withdraw one of the books from its siblings, and she would quickly browse through it to see if it contained any information worth examining. More often than not the book would be returned to its spot. After fifteen minutes, she had selected five that seemed to be worthwhile. Two thin books on organic chemistry, one book on calculus in a three dimensional system, a book detailing non-military N2 applications, and the survey of the human genome. Their bland single color covers were all dirty, and several times when removing the books a puff of dust followed it, earning a few soft sneezes from her. They were inaudible over the loud banter coming from the back office.

When Martha Paul finished her conversation and came back, happily refreshed from hearing about who won what at the Church's weekly casino night, she found the foreign girl that came in earlier calmly standing between the two velvet ropes that lead up to the desk at the white line marked "wait here". Martha stood behind her desk waiting for a moment for the girl to move up, but when she continued to stand there expressionlessly it earned an impatient frown.

"Dear, you can step up to the desk now if you're ready to check out your books, okay?" Martha said with an all too warm smile, like that of an elderly aunt who has found a cheek to pinch.

Rei walked in front of the desk, never breaking her stare, and set her books down in front of Martha on a rubber mat. 

"Now, what's your name, honey? Do you have a library card? You know you need one to get books from a library," Martha crooned.

"Akane Kanno. No, I do not. How may I obtain one?" Rei spoke in a voice barely above a whisper after a few moments. Those who had known her would have noticed the slightest hint of hesitation in her manner. She was familiar with the use of the word "honey" as a term of endearment, but why would the woman refer to her with it? It was strange and even a bit disturbing, but it also was not important. 

"You looked like it was your first time here. Just moved into the area? Well, I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Martha, Martha Paul, and I hope to be seeing more of you." The elderly woman offered her plump hand eagerly across the desk. Rei blinked slightly, unsure of her meaning but recognizing the gesture from when she had seen Sub-Commander Fuyutski introduced to an American businessman who was conducting negotiations. Hesitantly, she offered her own hand, wondering if this ritual was necessary to obtain a card, only to have it promptly engulfed by the librarian's and pumped vigorously. Rei was caught by surprise and was shaken about slightly by the overeager movement. She found herself relieved a second later when her fingers were released. In one of her rare gestures of awkwardness, she leaned imperceptibly backwards and blushed faintly, though it was not very visible under her skin toner.

"You're going to have to work on that shake. It's a little weak there dear." Martha laughed heartily, one hand resting upon her plump stomach. 

Rei blinked and leaned back slightly more, not quite sure what that meant, then threw a significant glance at the books. Catching it, Martha smiled her overly warm smile again.

"Oh yes, your library card, there's a simple form to fill out and you can be on your way. You're under eighteen, right? Yes, you look around fifteen. In that case I'll need your parent's signature as well. Is your mother or father out in the car?" The librarian leaned over and began to fish around in the recesses of the desk. A few seconds later she happily placed, or perhaps slammed, the necessary pen and form down in front of Rei. When her patron made no move to take them, she frowned again.

"What's wrong? You speak English, I assume you can read and write it. You seem foreign, are you from an Asian country? Japan? China? Well, I can explain everything for you, though I don't know how you can sign things. Maybe I can write it out for you. See, that here is where you put your name, that's where you write your address, that's where…" Rei shook her head, slightly at first, but as the woman continued her motion became more and more vigorous until the momentum caused her tousled bangs to bounce against her cheeks. When she finally realized the overly informative woman across from her had stopped speaking, she stopped and blinked a few times. Rei was surprised at the intensity of her own actions. Had the librarian's behavior agitated her that much? She was unable to contemplate them further as she quickly found that the librarian was leaning across the desk at her, waiting for an explanation with a rather annoyed look on her matronly face.

"My… father is not here." For a moment an image of a smiling Gendo Ikari flashed across her mind's eye, sending a mixture of warmth, sadness, and a sense of finality through her. She did not know where it came from, but it felt very close and important for some reason.

"Oh, you walked here? Well, hmmm… what to do, what to do… this is a pickle, isn't it?" Again, Rei found herself failing to understand what the woman was talking about with the strange metaphor, so she simply answered the first question with a slight nod.

"Oh, alright. Well, I don't want your trip to be a waste." Martha laughed softly, "I can overlook you getting a parental signature, as long as you promise to return all these books on time. You don't look like the kind of girl who would get something inappropriate or be late. Well, fill them out dear, if you need any help just let me know." 

Again, Rei nodded slightly, then took the pen in hand and carefully filled in all of the required field. Martha simply smiled down at her, occasionally casting excited glances at the stack of books that the girl had selected. It had been a particularly dull day, and she was very eager to help someone out. When Rei finished, she pulled the library card that had been stuck to the form off of it and handed it to her. After quickly entering the necessary information into the computer, she nodded to herself and snatched the card from a surprised Rei's fingers. Taking the scanner in hand with practiced ease, she flicked the red light over the bar code on the card once. When the machine failed to make a satisfied ringing sound, Martha frowned and did it again, causing a high-pitched ping to sound from the computer. 

"There we go, this thing's old and it doesn't always work right. We really need more money to improve our facilities, but that stupid county board of commissioners never has any money to spare. Of course, they had more than enough money to spare when the bridge Mike Reynolds uses to get home got washed out, and it just had to be replaced. He's one of the commissioners, you know. Oh well, I guess not having to take a detour is more important than having a decent library," Martha huffed, then continued in a high, indignant tone.

Rei stood there, quietly listening to the ramblings about the politics surrounding the library. She was not particularly interested, but she was held a captive audience by the older woman who was taking her time in checking out her books. When Martha seemed to have finished, she reached forward to take them, but the elderly librarian stopped her with a frown. 

"Honey, there's a problem here." The tone of the busybody was filled with concern, and she looked down upon Rei with sad eyes as she pushed her glasses up on her nose with two fingers in a familiar gesture. Rei allowed herself a slight frown. She did not think she had violated any important area of policy, but it was always possible she had overlooked something.

"What kind of books are these? I understand school and all, but I don't think there're any reports are due. No other children have come into the library to prepare, and they always do, you know. These are all educational books, and while I'm all for expanding your mind, there's more to life than that. Why, I hardly remember what I learned back in school, but I still remember the first time I read…" The eyes that were concerned suddenly gleamed with a mixture of excitement and righteousness. 

"I will sufficiently enjoy the books I have selected," Rei said in her normal soft tone, but there was just a hint of confusion in it. Was selecting these books at this time against regulations? Perhaps that would be the reason why they had not been used much, but that did not explain why they were on the shelves in the first place. This woman was behaving in a manner dissimilar to the manner of any other figure of authority she had seen. It was unpredictable and unprofessional, and it would not have been tolerated at Nerv. Perhaps the standards of this job were different, though she did not understand why. It was all very strange, but it reminded her of Major Katsuragi somehow. Her few encounters had shown the woman to be cold and professional, but somehow she could recall laughter and teasing from her from somewhere… before.

Martha happily ignored her victim. 

"I know what to do! You can't check these books out unless you take some others! I did you a favor now you owe me one. Don't worry, you'll love these. You'll have to tell me if they have them in Japan or China or wherever you're from. If this is your first time reading them, you are in for a real treat missy. You're very lucky you know, they just got back. They were late, too. That darn Richard Emerson took them, and he's always late with books. No discipline I say, but his parents never listen. Still, he does have good taste, so I guess he can be forgiven a bit. Still, I had to keep nagging and nagging to get them back. Eventually I even had to threaten him with a fine. His old man wouldn't have liked that, they're barely making ends meet you know." She continued to ramble as she rummaged through a cart filled with books to be returned to the shelves. 

"Aha! Here we go!" Martha shouted excitedly, and in a flurry of motion she scanned out three more books, though the machine failed to work several times, then slammed them on top of Rei's pile followed soon after by the library card. For a moment Rei considered protesting, but decided that it would be a much simpler course of action if she merely accepted the offerings without complaint and left. She had always found her life to be much more agreeable if conflict was avoided unless necessary, and something in the woman's manner told her there would be a great deal of arguing if she protested. She did not think it would be a violent one, but it might be time consuming considering how much the woman enjoyed discussing irrelevant information, and she wanted to get home in time to listen to the frogs.

As Rei passed out of the library into the dying sunlight, almost ethereal in the late afternoon hues, she happened to glance at the cover of the book on top of the pile; the first Martha had given her.

"_The Fellowship of the Ring_…" Rei silently read the title on the brightly drawn cover. It puzzled her.

It was good to be home. He had gotten up early to make breakfast for Asuka and Misato as well as to enjoy the only solitude he would get before his roommates awoke. Illuminated by lazy silver beams of light from the awakening sun he shuffled around in the cabinets and refrigerator for the materials he would need to prepare eggs and toast for himself, toast and a can of Yebisu for Misato, her miso soup and a little sake, and after a moments thought he decided on some sausage and eggs for Asuka. In one of her typical shows of initiative the red headed girl had gone out and purchased some German sausage from a store that specialized in imported food one afternoon. Later that day she had slammed the package down in front of him during dinner and demanded he fix it. Misato had laughed while Shinji had cringed slightly, having no trouble resisting the urge to tell her to fix her own damn food. There was no point in getting into a fight he'd lose anyways. Pen Pen was not forgotten, and several small herring thawed on a plate on the counter while the bird gazed up at them hungrily. 

As the meat and egg combination sizzled, carefully attended by his watchful eye and spatula, he couldn't help but simply feel good about life. The angels were dying one by one, and even though he had been hurt, none of his friends had been killed. That was the important thing. His father had even complimented him after the most recent attack. It had been the most meaningful thing that happened since he had arrived, and even though he still didn't know if he hated the man or not, he couldn't deny that the words made him feel happy. He could be happy. He deserved a family. That was enough for him.

With practiced expertise he began to set up the meals in the order that his housemates would be arriving. The refrigerator opened with a blast of cool air and he looked inside. It was a considerable improvement from when he had first arrived. There were even a few vegetables inside, and nothing seemed to be alive still. He slid out the shelf containing Misato's impressive Yebisu beer horde, removed one of them, then set it down on the table. A few moments later two slices of carefully buttered toast followed on one of Misato's better plates; it was plastic rather than paper. While Misato was usually the last to get up, she rarely bothered taking a shower or cleaning up till after she had eaten, and therefore was the second to arrive. The sound of a door opening and muttered complaints in German announced Asuka's awakening, and even though he couldn't see her he knew she'd be trudging to the bathroom to begin her long process of preparing for the day. Her eggs and sausage remained in the skillet in spite of the tantalizing scent that emanated from it. He knew she hated it when her food got cold. Pen Pen's fish were placed in his bowl next, much to the bird's delight, and a ferocious assault upon them by the beaked animal immediately began. With all the other meals attended to, he took his own toast and eggs, sunny side up, and settled down to eat. The morning was his favorite time, when the only sounds were the shower running, the shuffling of Pen Pen's bowl, and the crunch when he ate his toast after dipping it in the sunny side up eggs he prepared. It allowed him to enjoy solitude without feeling alone or unwanted. It made him feel like part of a family.

Misato was the first to arrive, announcing it with a massive yawn and barely audible "Good morning". She was lazy, annoying, embarrassing, but most of all she was the closest thing Shinji had to a mother and confidante. Shinji returned her greeting, though it was doubtful that she heard him considering how she was already trudging towards the first beer of the morning with a focus that might have even impressed Rei. Sitting at the table and quietly eating his own toast, Shinji wondered how Toji and Kensuke would react if they saw her like this. Most likely they'd be drooling all over the place he thought with a mental laugh, she was barely dressed in a light blue cut-off top and shorts. Even in her frazzled state, she was still gorgeous, though Shinji had stopped thinking of her in a sexual manner soon after he had arrived. He still thought about girls, but Misato's dressing habits had made him much more resistant to the charms of a scantily clad female. His musings were cut short by a loud whooping sound and Misato slamming her first beer down on the table. This was followed shortly afterwards by Asuka shouting "shut up" from in the bathroom.

"That's the way to start your morning!" Misato said contently as she kicked back in her chair. Shinji resisted the urge to make a sarcastic comment. He had listened to her "traditional breakfast" lecture enough times. From the bathroom came more grumbling in German and what sounded like a few choice swear words regarding Shinji and Misato.

For a moment there was silence from the two at the table, then Misato suddenly laughed and threw her arms up. Shinji noted a decidedly predatory look in her brown eyes, which usually signified that he would be embarrassed shortly.

"Aaaaah, you remember when it was just you and me? Things were so much quieter then."

'Not much,' Shinji added mentally. He only nodded slightly, then began to edge back in his seat and wondered what tactic his commanding officer had come up with for today.

"Don't look so glum! Don't you enjoy making breakfast for two _beautiful _women?" Misato asked in a mock pitiful voice that had just a hint of flirting in it.

Oh, that one.

Misato stood up, grinning mischievously, then propped her knee up on the table and leaned over to give him an "affectionate" mussing of his hair. This of course this gave Shinji a more than ample view of Misato's cleavage, which of course caused him to blush, which of course caused Misato to grin and lean over more.

"Why! Most boys your age couldn't be happier!"

Well, she was right about Toji and Kensuke at least. He on the other hand was having a very difficult time looking away from her chest, especially since her hand, which was still causing hell on top of his head, also served to hold it in place. She had a strong grip, or maybe it was just that he had a weak neck… wait, out of the corner of his eye, what was that red…? Uh oh. It was then that Asuka decided to announce her entrance with a cheerful good morning to her favorite roommate.

"PERVERT!" The German girl roared while glaring down at him. One fist was shaking angrily while the other held up a green towel that wrapped around her figure. Of course she would blame it on him, even though Misato was holding his head in place. It was like the two were starting to tag team him.

"I've never been around a sicker, more twisted individual. You stupid pervert, just be glad I haven't caught you peeking at me at night yet!" Asuka continued to rant at the poor boy. Misato was kind enough to release his head and now was sitting back in her chair to enjoy the chaos. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had orchestrated the whole thing so that Asuka would walk in on them just then. He knew that Misato would most likely protect him from any physical harm, but in the mean time the red color had spread from his cheeks to his entire face and he was trying to become one with the back of his chair. It was time to try a diversion tactic.

"Um… uh… Asuka, your b-breakfast is ready," he stammered, looking around the kitchen in a panic like a trapped animal. This momentarily stopped the German girl, though she continued to glare at him for a moment before stalking over to the skillet where her eggs and sausage waited for her. She stood over it for a moment, frowning down, then poked at her food several times with one long index finger. Her expression looked like she had just found a very unpleasant dead animal.

"Idiot! It's cold!" The evasion tactic seemed to have failed. Never mind that she had been in the bathroom for half an hour, never mind that it was still probably hot and she just wanted to complain, never mind that when she made breakfast she often only gave him a single burnt piece of toast, if she gave him anything at all. Filled with righteous indignation, he said the only thing he could think of that would express his anger.

"S-Sorry!" 

"ARRRRGGGG! Stupid idiot! You spent so much time ogling Misato you couldn't even keep my food warm!!" 

"I'll reheat it if you like!" He said in a decidedly scared voice. Sounding frightened usually was the best way to disarm her.

"Never mind, I'll just eat it. Just stop looking at me, bad enough that you check out her all the time." The woman in question was still laughing. She was thoroughly enjoying her morning it would seem.

As Asuka put her food on a plate and sat down at the table next to Shinji, he took a moment to slump in despair. As he hung his head, he noticed that the yolk from his egg had run over the rest of his plate and thoroughly soaked his toast. Well, so much for a peaceful morning he thought as Misato crushed the now empty beer can and tossed it over the brown table in the approximate direction of the trash can. It bounced off the wall next to it and landed with a clang on the brown tile floor.

"Oh well, I'll get that later," the older woman chirped happily. Shinji added cleaning that and the resulting spill up to his list of chores for that day.

The three ate in silence for a while. At least Misato seemed to have gotten done with teasing him, though who knew what Asuka would try later. The damn girl did the most annoying things. She would wear that loose yellow tee shirt and short-shorts then would lie down on the floor in front of the TV while he was on the couch. Regardless of how he felt about her she was undeniably attractive and appealing to him in a way that Misato wasn't due to age. While he wasn't a pervert, well, at least as far as teenage males go, he was still a 14-year-old boy. Of course, he didn't have a chance in hell, but that didn't matter too much to his eyes, which seemed to gain a mind of their own at very bad moments. Unfortunately, his eyes would usually go from her feet, to her long legs, to her rear end, to her back, to her red hair, to two very angry blue eyes glaring back at him. She had the most uncanny ability to catch him. Maybe she thought it was fun, though the way she screamed at him certainly didn't make it seem that way. She would never move, though, preferring to yell at him again and again, occasionally going to far as to kick her foot back right into his shin. It wasn't really painful, though.

Right now, she seemed to have lapsed into one of her more quiet moods. He found himself staring at her profile, wondering what she was thinking. He didn't understand her, and he didn't think he ever would, but for now he was simply content to watch her as she ate. It was a strange moment. His instincts were screaming at him to turn away before she caught him and got very, very angry. The last thing he wanted was another blowup. His eyes however simply watched her cascade of red hair as it shifted with her movements. He could almost see the blue iris of one of her eyes, though her bangs cast a shadow across it. Then she turned. 

'Uh oh…'

For a moment she simply returned his stare, the silence before the storm. She was unfathomable, her reactions unpredictable, and in her expressionless gaze he found a deeper fear than of just physical pain. It was the fear of another human being, of another human heart confronting his own. Her blue eyes, her hair, her pale digits which held her fork carrying piece of sausage only inches away from her slightly open mouth all seemed frozen like a statue. She seemed to be waiting for something, as did he. A signal for her to become angry and him to cower, a signal for him to apologize and turn away, something. None came though, although afterward they would never speak of it, the outside world had simply ceased to exist and for a moment their reality was just this confrontation. It was something far beyond what Shinji understood, what anyone could understand really. It was not the silence of lovers or of enemies, but of something far more alien than that. Reality played at the edge of his consciousness, and truth somewhere far from that. He felt the need to say something important, something that would end the ambiguity between them once and for all. No salvation came however, and in an instant it was over, and from some unspoken accord the two turned back to their meals, as though it had never happened at all.

"Ummm… heheh, I know you two are tired, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Ritsuko informed me last night that she had to schedule an emergency synch test today. Apparently, the last batch of data was outside of the expected values, probably due to the angel attack last week. Sorry guys, but we need to get a move on."

Shinji merely blinked a few times, then cast a nervous glance towards his roommate. Judging from the fact that her face was beginning to match her hair in color, an explosion was eminent.

"A synch test. We had one two days ago! Why I ought to… Bang! Clack! Clack! Bang!"

Shinji groggily opened his eyes to darkness. His entire body felt dead, and his mind was still in the quasi-delusional state that marks one who has just been very rudely awoken. Hadn't he just been in the kitchen? Where was he? What the hell was going on? His half formed thoughts were suddenly disrupted by another staccato series of clicks and bangs. Slowly, the rest of his body immobile from exhaustion or simply lack of will, he turned his head to the side and in the darkness saw a faint green rectangle with "26 --:--" displayed on it. It took him a few minutes to recognize his SDAT in the darkness, and without thinking he gradually slid one hand out from under his covers and placed the small plastic device back on the dresser from which it had fallen. Apparently, the headphones had become caught on one of the handles and it had simply swung there, occasionally bouncing against the one of the wooden drawers.

It was then he realized where he was, and it hit him with the force of a train. He wasn't back home, he wasn't with his family, he was cold and alone in an apartment that would never be a house to him. He was alone, he didn't have them back. Misato was dead, Asuka was in a coma, everyone was still… gone. They were all gone. It hurt, oh God it hurt. Why couldn't he just have nightmares? A thousand years in hell were preferable to a single glance at a heaven he could never be in again. With a choked gasp, he turned his head into his pillow and waited for the tears to come. The pillowcase already had a faint salty taste from the previous nights. But he couldn't cry, his mind wanted to but his body wouldn't let him. As he clenched his eyes, willing the pain to go away, a sudden image of his guardian and teacher filled his mind. A flash of a man with cold black eyes and a deep frown, his hand drawn back and fist clenched to land a blow. A posture he had seen a great deal of in the previous three weeks.

Unconsciously, Shinji winced. The feeling did not leave, but still the tears did not come. Instead he pulled the covers up over his head and wrapped himself in them as much as he could. He still did not feel protected though. Sleep did not come again that night to the shivering boy who tried to drive off the unending parade of memories with one hand while welcoming them with another. He feared them, yet they were all he had left of a better world.

Morning took far too long to arrive for Shinji. He had lain motionless, listening to the same songs on his SDAT over and over again to free himself from his demons. He had only moved, glancing around as one who had just woken, when the first lazy silver beams of light peered through his window, signaling a new day. It only served to remind him of his dream.

Shinji slowly took off his headphones and set his SDAT on the bedside dresser from which it had almost fallen the night before then slowly rose into a sitting position. He wrapped his arms around his legs and simply stared at the door across from him for a few moments. During the good times, he had loved the morning. It felt like a time of rebirth and renewal, and the simple act of living made him happy. It was a time to get ready, to make breakfast, to be teased. It was a good time. As things had gotten worse, he had become less and less welcoming of a new day. It was something to be feared, to be filled with loneliness and suffering. So he simply sat there, his sleep weary mind wishing it away, yet a deep part of him knowing that the day was unavoidable. He wished he could run away some place where he could enjoy the mornings again, but there was no place like that, so after a few moments he slid off his bed and made his way to the dresser. 

Like a robot he put on some black trousers over the boxer shorts he had worn to bed. These were followed by a dark blue undershirt and white dress shirt. A belt came last, though he didn't bother to tuck his shirt in. The comb was left neglected in front of the mirror between the deodorant and his toiletries. In spite of his neglect of his appearance, he stood for a moment in front of the mirror, looking at the image that stared back at him in the scant light. Haunted dark blue eyes with heavy dark bags under them regarded him from a face that was far too pale. The only place with color was the slowly healing gash across his cheek that he had received from the Game a few days ago. His hair was badly mussed and tangled, and it seemed dead with the grease and filth that had built up. It had been at least a week since he had bothered to shower. His lips were pale as well, except for an almost black scab across the upper one. In his imagination, he could see the bruises on his arms and chest, now concealed by his shirt. He knew that he was far too thin as well since he had been skipping meals. It just didn't matter. If he had gone to school looking like that, he would have been forced to hold buckets in the hall, but now that there was no school there really was no point in caring about his appearance beyond the bare necessities.

Shinji turned away from the mirror and trudged across the white carpet to leave his room. He stood at the door for a moment, staring at it, barely breathing. He had disliked opening doors recently. The nightmare where he was in the elevator was becoming more and more common, and every time he opened one he wondered if he'd see a normal part of his house or a dark hallway leading to two massive doors where a cold voice would greet him. He was falling apart and losing what was left of his mind. Even someone completely devoted to a cause or a memory as Shinji was could only take so much. After a few moments, he slowly opened the door, his breathing growing more and more shallow with each passing inch. Instead of a long dark hall, he beheld an even stranger sight.

Down the short hall, decorated with framed pictures of pre-Second Impact Japan, Shinji saw his guardian sitting in a plush white leather chair. He did not see Shinji, though, instead, the dark haired man's attention was focused on his hand, or rather, from what Shinji could see as he spied on the man, his pinky ring. On his face was an expression that reminded Shinji of Asuka on the rare occasions when she let her emotional guards down. He looked sad, and there was something resembling longing in his eyes. His other hand was restless, occasionally propping his chin up, occasionally lightly touching at the golden surface of his ring. It had always seemed strange that such a man would have so simple a trinket, and it was even stranger that it would mean so much to him. He usually seemed to be nearly inhuman, but right now he looked almost vulnerable. Even as Shinji watched, his guardian's lips moved slightly and he hung his head for a moment, as though ashamed of something. 

The boy felt fear then. What would happen if his guardian caught him looking? He would be angry, perhaps enraged, and even though SEELE needed him he was afraid of what he might do. Shinji had seen his guardian acting human before during the game and it was always a ploy, maybe this was a trap right now. Either way, he knew he couldn't trust him, so he quietly closed the door. He caught his breath for a few moments before deciding what to do. He hadn't realized it, but he had been holding his breath during the brief, single sided encounter. Then, Shinji coughed loudly and slid the door open, making as much noise as possible. He decided it would be considerably less dangerous if the man knew he was coming.

The door opened to reveal his guardian, looking utterly calm and composed with hands clasped staring back at Shinji with dark eyes. The two regarded each other for a moment before Shinji looked away and a cold smile graced the man's lips at the boy's forlorn expression. The teacher's smile quickly disappeared, though. Today was for things besides the game he thought to himself. There would be different forms of training, and, due to firm commands from SEELE, a small reward. Even though the boy was falling apart emotionally, he was slowly getting better at hiding it. During the Game, it had become harder and harder to actually make him cry. While tears would come eventually, usually the best his jibes and attacks could do was make Shinji whimper or emit a low moan. Sometimes, they completely failed to get a reaction out of him at all, and he wondered if the boy had simply stopped caring about some things. That could be bad; SEELE demanded someone with self-control, not apathy. There were also certain topics he had been expressly forbidden to mention during the game. When he had asked why, the only answer had from Keel Lorenz himself was that they were "going to be used for a later plan." The tone of voice had silenced any further questions. It was better not to offend, for he needed SEELE more than they needed him. 

On the whole, however, it was obvious the boy's mental health was not improving, and, if anything, it was getting worse. While his normal forlorn expression was good enough for the game for now, it was not the mask that SEELE demanded he be able to wear. They needed someone who was cold and had confidence in himself, not someone dead to the world. It was his job to provide them with that person. It was a task that required the utmost care. The boy had to be strong but alone, cold and unemotional but completely loyal, sane and empty at the same time. From his extensive knowledge of the boy from the Section 2 reports, he knew that completely went against his personality. Shinji had always been overemotional and prone to depression, and the concept of relying on himself was almost foreign to him. In addition, it seemed his loyalties were to the dead and to his penance rather than SEELE. That would have to be changed.

"Sit down. There are a few matters I need to discuss with you." Shinji did not respond, but trudged to the sofa across from the man and sat, rather fell, onto it, never once making eye contact. After a few moments, his guardian continued, trying hard not to make his voice too cold or cruel.

"You will be happy to know we will not be playing the Game today." Shinji nodded slightly, though inside him he felt a wave of relief sweep through. He wasn't quite sure how to react to the man today. He wasn't being mean, and earlier he had seen him acting very much like a normal human being. He couldn't treat him like one, though, otherwise he might get hurt. Even if the kindness wasn't just to lure him into some sort of trap, it was still just to deceive him so he'd be more easy to use. It was something his father would have done. Still, he had agreed to be used by SEELE, hadn't he? The uncertainty confused him, so he decided it would be best just to remain quiet.

"This does not mean, however, that we are done with it, far from it. We will do it tomorrow and as long as it takes, but eventually you will learn to control yourself. You still fail often and disappoint us, but we have been seeing… improvement. You are doing better, though slowly, and you are well on your way to being prepared," he said in a calm voice. At the end though he added the slightest bit of warmth, taking it from his own memories of a happier time long passed. Shinji looked up, a bit of surprise breaking through his eyes, yet before a second had passed he let his head fall once again. It was obvious the boy did not trust him, the guardian thought. Good, he's learning. It would make the games harder, but like any craftsman it was pleasurable to see his work progressing well.

"As a result of your progress, we will begin several other parts of your training today as well. In addition, with the blessings of SEELE, I have been authorized to give you a small reward," the man smiled, though it was obviously very forced. Fortunately, Shinji was not looking up to see him.

"For your training today, we will practice some meditation and techniques to control and manipulate your inner emotions rather than the outward expression of them. We will also begin some very preliminary memory and planning exercises. Finally, we will begin looking at how to read other people's feelings, and even how to figure out what they're thinking from their involuntary actions. There are other aspects of your training, which we will begin later, but for now this is enough. These are all difficult subjects, but do your best and make sure you do not fail. If you give up, you will have failed us and you will have failed Misato, Rei, and everyone else you want back. They cannot forgive you if they're dead." In spite of the fact he was trying to be reassuring, he could not resist letting this last bit slip. Shinji rewarded him with a slight twitch and his hand clenched slightly, but he gave no other response. The man leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking at the boy as he slumped down with his elbows resting heavily on his knees. 

"If we finish in time, for your reward we can do anything you choose so long as it does not require too much time. I imagine we could even visit Asuka if you like, you haven't had the chance to see her since SEELE liberated Nerv, have you?"

"I-I… don't think I'm ready to," Shinji said after a moment's pause in a barely audible voice. "S-she w-wouldn't want me to."

"Hmmm… I think we'll begin speech training today as well. Few things reveal uncertainty as much as stuttering," the man said in a cold voice. He knew it was cruel to mock the boy, but he had been warm with him long enough.

"One final thing, you will begin to go back to school in three weeks, I will tell you more about that later. Clean up and be prepared in an hour. Your outward appearance reflects your inner readiness, and if you are not ready, you will be treated as such."

Shinji winced and nodded slightly again. He heard the leather chair the man was sitting on creak slightly as he stood up, followed by the soft sounds of his receding footsteps. A few moments later, he heard he door open and slam shut. His guardian was only there during lessons and when he had something to tell him, otherwise he was absent. It was as if the man genuinely couldn't stand being around him. Oh well, he couldn't blame him; he was weak and disgusting, while his guardian had control of himself. They were almost exact opposites. What about the things spoken of during their conversation? What would his new lessons be like? They didn't sound so bad, he was used to meditation from his time in the Eva. It wouldn't be hard to learn a new type; at least he could hope that was true. Even the speech thing sounded like something he could get over with fast. Oh but there was probably some catch, there always was. School was something he immediately decided he was not looking forward to, however. He never enjoyed dealing with new people, and after all his experiences how was he supposed to even try to talk with anyone. He had seen the face of death and had encountered horrors they would never experience. There was a chasm between him and others as deep and dark as the night sky. Still, why should he care? He didn't want friends anyways. 

Though Shinji was not quite sure why he did it, he put the hour to good use. While he was still thin and pale, his hair was clean and his skin did not seem quite so unhealthy. Now the two sat on the plain, straight-backed chairs Shinji was familiar with, only this time the table between them had an object, or rather collection of objects on it. It was a board made up of what looked to be around 64 alternating black and white squares. At either end of the board were sets of pieces, one black and one white. The positioning of the small ones and their overall formation gave the impression of two armies facing each other. Shinji looked at it. He knew it was called chess, and he had seen Asuka playing it once or twice alone, but aside from that his mind was blank. 

"Hmm… what a pleasant surprise, you don't smell." Shinji nodded slightly at his guardian's greeting. "In order for others to respect you, you must first show respect towards yourself. Don't neglect your appearance or your health again. I expect you to get something to eat after this lesson. Hunger makes it difficult to think and to learn, and I… _dislike _wasting my time."

"Now, this, as you can see, is a chessboard. We will not be going into depth, since learning all the nuances of the game can take a lifetime. Instead, it will serve as an example to start the lesson off with." Shinji looked up and tried to make eye contact with his guardian. It was a requirement during lessons to show he was paying attention, but even now his eyes would occasionally dart off to the side or his head would lower for a moment or two when the gaze from the man's black eyes became too much.

"The human mind is a very interesting thing. You see, often it will come up with an opinion or course of action then rationalize it later, rather than think things through before forming a plan. Perhaps this is some defect in the brain or our nature, but I tend to think of it as simple impatience. People who do this are easy to predict and even easier to manipulate, and as a result you must be trained against it. It is easy to say always think before you act, but much harder to actually make that course of action into a habit."

"Thus, we come to the example of chess. In it, pieces move in a variety of ways. They all have strengths, weaknesses, and values. Some can be easily sacrificed, such as the pawn." He placed his figure on the head of one of the small pieces that made up the front line. "While others should not be sacrificed except under the direst of circumstances." He placed his index finger on the queen for a moment, then regarded Shinji in silence until the boy nodded slightly to show he was paying attention. "The ultimate goal is always to protect the king."

"Before each move, a good chess player will not only consider the immediate results of the move, but look far, far into future possibilities to consider how that single move will affect his game as a whole. He will do the same when examining his opponent's moves. Chess is a game of pure thought; the person who guesses and plans best will win."

"A single move will affect the outcome and manner in which the entire game is played. To use an example, if the first piece moved is the pawn in front of the queen, the game will often focus more on strategy, that is, the positions of pieces. If the first piece moved is the pawn in front of the king, the game will often focus more on tactics, that is, what pieces you have. The person who moves first has an immediate advantage because they get to decide what type of game will be played.

"Even within those, there are two different kinds of plans. The first is the more obvious and blatant method. You move your pieces into position for an attack." Dark, chiseled hands immediately manipulated several of the pieces on both sides, and before long the white bishop and queen were threatening the pawn in front of the kingside bishop. One move from black, and one move from white, and the black king was in checkmate. 

"These are obvious and easily avoided, but they do get your opponent's attention. The other kind of plan is one that does not focus on a obvious strategy." 

The chessboard was quickly set back up in the starting configuration, and once again the man began to manipulate pieces on both sides, all the while speaking to Shinji. On the board a war was waging. Pieces were taken, and positions were gained and lost as the two sides brutally fought. There seemed to be no clear plan to the boy, just momentary gain and loss. Several of the white pieces even seemed to have been moved into various positions for no apparent reason. 

"It does not focus so much on what is obviously moving about, but on what does not move. The piece which serves no apparent purpose can have a hidden one." 

Suddenly, he moved a white castle, which had been still for a good ten turns, in an apparently foolish trade to take a pawn. Black took the rook with another pawn, but this opened up a hole in the defense that white immediately and brutally exploited with the other rook. Even Shinji could see black had lost the game as the king's defenders were sacrificed one by one to stop the white onslaught.

"The subtle methods tend to be much more effective, but there are places for both, especially when the two are combined. Often, a diversion will allow you to promote a far more important hidden agenda. The goal of these lessons will be to teach you to turn the pieces of chess into men, resources, and goals." Shinji seemed to lean back at these final words, and a flash of anger shot through eyes that a moment before had been desolate.

"Does this remind you of your father? Does that offend you? Foolish child, he was a stronger man than you ever will be who learned the necessities of life long before you were born. Even though he was SEELE's enemy, I admire him as much as I pity you. You seem to be under the illusion that being kind and merciful to others is a good thing, that others will treat you the same as you treat them. They won't. You'll be used, manipulated, and cast away all over again. You'll become one of these." One of the hands that had a moment before played a game of chess now picked up a pawn between its index finger and thumb and tossed it into Shinji's lap.

"You're either strong or weak. You may think that you'll be able to live with yourself if you're meek and take what life gives you, but you won't. You'll still be selfish and petty. You can't even say you're a good person now, and you would pay to not be like your father with all of humanity. Tell me, would you rather have Asuka spend the rest of her life in bed just so that when you die, hated and alone, you can say, 'I may be responsible for thousands of deaths, and I could have been a savior to all of humanity but instead I decided to neglect my duty, but at least I didn't turn out like my father.' If that's the case, end your pathetic life now and save the world the trouble. Decide and stop wasting my time." For a moment, there was silence, then with a practiced ease the man reached into the depths of his sports jacket and drew out a professional looking handgun and set it down in the middle of the chessboard so that the barrel was facing Shinji. There was no serial number on it.

Shinji simply stared down at the gun, his dark blue eyes growing wide with surprise. What could he do here? How could he react? He could end it all right now and forget everything, return to nothing. There would be no more suffering, or hate, or pain, just comfortable oblivion. How often had he thought about this in the early hours of the morning after his nightmares were over? If he went on living, he would have nights filled with horror and days filled with pain. He would become a monster, inhuman, cold. His right hand lifted itself and began to edge towards the gun. But… what if… what had made him say yes to SEELE? What words from Misato had momentarily brought him out of his despair and made him pilot in the end? The promise of salvation, of hope, of redemption? SEELE-1 said he could have all of that. 

Maybe he wouldn't have to be a monster forever, maybe he was a monster already that could be human again. His nightmares could be driven out by having his loved ones back. Wouldn't that be worth living for? Kaoru said once that humans need the future, "it is what they live for." Perhaps a dream was his future, and that alone would be worth living for. His first confrontation with the real possibility, or perhaps opportunity for death was making him think in ways that were never possible before. Hope had been a completely foreign thing for him the last few months, but slight glimmers of it were filling him again. He didn't know how he would endure all the suffering, loneliness, and seeing himself become a monster day by day, but as long as he had a future, he would live. A faint memory of his mother, long hidden and shrouded in denial and dream, came back to him then. Her soft words echoed in his soul in a sweet, laughing voice: "as long as you're alive, anywhere can be heaven." Shinji slowly retracted his hand and placed it back on his knee, then lifted his head slowly, painfully, and met his teacher's gaze. The teacher did not say it, and in his loathing of the boy never would, but for the shortest of moments before the boy let his gaze drop once again he saw a hint of inner strength in the boy that gave him hope for his own future as well.

"So you'll do it then?" It was a rhetorical question.

"Yes…" 

The decision had finally been made.

"Did I mean it when I said I hated all of them?" Asuka was the first to break the comfortable silence between her and her mother. She did not know how long they had been together, or even where they were. The places kept changing and time did not matter. It was like a dream that seemed to go quickly, but when she tried, her memories of it seemed to stretch backwards forever. It was ambiguous, but for once Asuka did not mind not knowing. 

The two were laying on their backs with their heads close in a rough V shape, staring up at a cloudless sky filled with stars that were both alien and beautiful. The entire northern horizon was dominated by a massive spiral galaxy that shined as brightly as the moon and the two had been regarding it quietly until then. The rest of the sky was filled with stars of a million colors, red, gold, blue, white, fiery points in the heavens broken by streaks of nebula and bright clusters. It was a frightening somehow, but also compelling.

"Hmmm?" Kyoko turned her head and regarded her daughter in the darkness; behind the silhouette of her face and hair she could make out a plain covered in short, dark grass that ended in a seemingly endless ocean. Barely rising over the top of the fjords she could barely see the splashes of the waves as they beat themselves tirelessly against the cliff. The ocean itself seemed to shine just as brightly as the sky above with the reflection of the stars and the whitecaps of the massive waves that paraded over it. To a ship it would have been a terrible and deadly environment, but the salty smell of the sea, which the cool breezes from it carried, made their world soothing and strange at the same time.

"Did I hate them back then? Do I still hate them?" Asuka repeated quietly. Things had grown comfortable between the two. Here in her mind, with her mother, she had nothing to prove. There was no one who would better her, who could out pilot her, who would leave her broken and alone. There was only her mother who would always pay attention to her and love her unconditionally, so she was free to be the hurt and tired child she was for the first time in her life.

"Do you mean Shinji?"

"I'd rather not talk about him," Asuka said in a voice that carried a hint of firmness that brooked no argument.

"I understand. Who then?" 

"Misato I guess…" Asuka frowned slightly in thought then laughed quietly to herself. It was a sad laugh, but a laugh just the same. She was a girl who never giggled. "Lavender perfume…"

Kyoko nodded a bit and smiled softly.

"She treated you like a child when you wanted to be treated like an adult."

Asuka looked back towards the massive, shining galaxy and nodded again. One of her hands came up and rested at the center of her stomach. She was no longer in her plug suit, instead, she was wearing her yellow sundress as well as her neural transmitters, which were placed firmly in her hair. She had always preferred that look, it just felt like her.

"Yes, but it was more than that. She made others treat me like a child."

"Weren't you a child, though? That's nothing to be ashamed of, it's a natural part of life."

"I stopped being a child a long time ago, at least I thought I did. I went to college, I risked my life to pilot Eva. I stopped crying. I gave up the chance to be like other children and all I wanted in return was to be respected, to be treated like an equal. I couldn't even have that," Asuka said bitterly. After finishing she glared straight ahead for a moment, then lifted one fist and slammed it down against the ground, sending a brief shock of pain through her arm in spite of the soft grass.

"It didn't feel like you were being treated like an equal, though, did it? Even in college where you were admired, you still felt like you were treated as a child, an unusual one but a child none the less," Kyoko said as she nodded slightly in understanding. 

"Misato just emphasized that. Before her, I had lived alone since I was nine. Kaji would check in on me occasionally, but I spent most of my time by myself. I didn't want to be with my father or his new wife, and they didn't want me either. Once I moved in with Misato, everything changed. Suddenly I wasn't free anymore, she gave me chores, and she would tell me what to do. I knew how to take care of myself, I didn't need her or anyone else." Asuka continued to glower, then sighed and rolled over on her side so she was facing away from her mother.

"Yes, but you were happy, weren't you? It felt good to be cared for by others, even if you thought it made you less of a person. It felt like something that had a chance at having back something you lost."

Asuka didn't reply for a moment, so Kyoko reached out and gently put her hand on her shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. For a while, the only sound was the distant roar of the waves and the soft whispers of the wind. Above them, the constellations and galaxies continued their endless dance in the sky, though day gave no sign of coming. Perhaps on this alien planet day never came, instead there was merely the movement of the stars.

"But I knew it wouldn't last, and it didn't. I knew I couldn't trust them, and I was right."

"Yes… but you can't deny that for a brief time, you felt as though you belonged somewhere. You could've opened yourself up and let Misato be the mother to you that she became for Shinji."

"That would be letting someone take your place, though…"

"I wouldn't feel ill will towards you or her for that, I love you too much."

"But she took Kaji from me…" Asuka's voice held just a hint of desperation as though she was trying to avoid something.

"Kaji let himself be taken. You were a daughter and a friend to him, but he didn't love you in that way. To you he was a crush, someone by whom pursuing you could prove yourself an adult and be safe at the same time." Kyoko tried to sound as soothing as possible, but she could feel Asuka's muscles tense under her hand.

"Misato used me!"

"You wanted to pilot Eva, it was your life. She may have had her own goals, but she wanted to protect you as well. She tried her best, but she had a duty, as did you." She could feel Asuka shivering the slightest bit now, and she tried to be comforting even as she forced the girl to confront herself. 

"She threw me away!"

"That was your perception. At the end, things were falling apart for everyone; she could barely hold herself together. You leaving was the true end of the family."

"None of them wanted me…" 

"They accepted you and cared for you. You remember the time at the hot springs, don't you? That was the closest you were able to get to someone in a long time."

Asuka seemed to pause, hearing the empathy and understanding in her mother's voice disarmed her defensiveness before it was able to start, but she was still unsure of how to react. The things she was saying, they were said in a loving tone but they still made her feel uncomfortable. Things that she didn't want to know about herself were being revealed. Her defenses weren't being torn through, but gently pushed aside instead. No one had ever treated her like this. Her muscles tensed even more for a little while, then she slumped against the ground, letting the cool grass press against her cheek.

"You were afraid…"

"Only children are afraid!" Asuka's said in a struggling voice somewhere between a whimper and a roar.

"No… adults are too. The real difference between an adult and a child is that the adult can admit what they feel and know that it's not a shortcoming to be human."

Again, there was silence 

"Then why am I here? It seems so strange, like a dream, yet I feel better here than I did before. It's comforting." 

"You are here to become an adult, and you feel good because you're finally discovering yourself."

The two women went back to regarding the ocean of stars above them, but now Asuka had a small, thoughtful smile on her face that had only shown itself once or twice in the world of the awake. 

After a grueling day of lessons, Shinji had been asked by his guardian what he wanted to do for a reward. He had briefly considered asking to go to Tokyo-3 to visit Misato's apartment, or maybe try to find Pen Pen, but something made him decide against it. Instead, he had meekly requested to get some new tapes for his SDAT and some batteries. His guardian hadn't said anything, instead he had nodded slightly and turned, gesturing Shinji to follow with one hand. 

Shinji was staring out the window of the car. They were passing through the business district, and the streets were crowded with people enjoying the weekend. Bikers carefully weaved their way through the crowds, and the people wore an eclectic mixture ranging from business suits to far more casual outfits. Once, they passed a group of schoolgirls in pale blue/green jumpers and white dress shirts gathered around a tree. They were gossiping and laughing, and Shinji could almost imagine he saw Rei just outside the group, silent and watchful as she always was. Still, he knew better, she was gone. It was strange; he didn't know how to treat her in his thoughts. Logic told him she was someone else, but she seemed so similar aside from her memories. He was scared of her, because she was something indefinable and strange.

The windows of the shops were filled with bright neon signs that illuminated the streets with strange colors as much as the tall lamps that were spaced every couple feet. Between the buildings poked the dying red orange light of the sun as it took its final, weary steps towards its resting place. The city seemed alive with humanity, dancing and mysterious in the scarce natural light and ocean of artificial. It was all so strangely beautiful. Even the other cars as they honked and maneuvered themselves to get a better spot in traffic shimmered and shined as the light threw itself across their metal bodies. 

Still, Shinji felt disconnected from all of it, like he was merely an observer of a dance he could not understand. This feeling of being disconnected from the world was only added to by the silence and lack of smells. The windows had been rolled up the entire trip, and even the faint humming of the air conditioner was louder than the muted honks of cars and the voices of the pedestrians. For a moment, Shinji was ready to ask his teacher where they were going just to break the silence, but when he turned his head away from the window to voice his question the completely expressionless yet somehow menacing profile of the man as he drove reminded Shinji of his speech lesson or rather, the consequences if he forgot it. It had been the shortest of the lessons and it had been concluded entirely on that day. It had been explained to him that he stuttered because he was nervous and uncertain about what to say. As a result, when he began to speak, he inevitably stuttered as he thought of other words to use and tried to decide what to say next. As his guardian had phrased it, he was "an introvert, but an extremely poor one." Thus, he had been told to decide upon everything that he would say beforehand. It would take a long time and make conversations awkward at first, but gradually it would become habit and much easier. For additional motivation, he had been told that for every time he stuttered, the Game would last ten minutes longer next time it was played. He took several moments to decide upon the least offensive way he could phrase his question.

"Where are we going?" He said slowly and quietly, being careful not to make any mistakes.

"There is a small electronics store I know of near here that should have a reasonable selection. In fact, I believe that's it right over there," the man made a rough gesture in the direction of what appeared at first glance to be just another brightly lit store, but at closer glance the names of many popular brands of SDAT players and several major music labels were brightly displayed on the windows in addition to several dozen manufacturers of everything from camcorders to electronic planners. At first Shinji thought they were going to pass it, but in a gesture that would have impressed Misato his guardian turned the wheel of his car violently and cut across two lanes of traffic and parallel parked flawlessly in front of the business. Strangely however, Shinji felt relaxed, perhaps by the confident and smooth manner in which it had been done, or perhaps because he didn't care if they got hit. What shocked him however was what immediately came afterwards. His guardian was looking off away from Shinji at the passing clouds, and Shinji could just make out the reflection of the melancholy smile on his face in the driver's side window.

He seemed distant yet sad, as he had been earlier in the living room. His eyes were haunted as they stared out the window at something only he could see. A second later he turned rapidly and looked at Shinji. At first he seemed slightly surprised, but then an anger overtook his features that made Shinji cower against the doorframe in fear of being hit. This replaced so rapidly by his normal chilling expression that the boy wondered if he had seen his teacher looking reminiscent or angry at all. Only his memories from earlier that day supported the view that he could act human at all.

"Get out. My time is valuable, and I do not enjoy wasting it here." The voice was cold. Shinji nodded, then quickly looked away and made his way out of the car. The man remained sitting just a moment longer.

Author's notes: Again, not much to say. Ch4 should be up soon, and this entire book should come to around 8 chapters. I'd like to thank my pre-readers, though. Ghola, who's working on his own story, The Sins of the Fathers, which I highly recommend. Laval was a big help as always, and I'd also like to thank Nekobus and Tchernobyl for helping me a great deal with ideas. Hope you enjoyed it.


	5. Deus et Machina Humanitasque/Video et Au...

Disclaimer: Guess.

Chapter Four: Deus et Machina Humanitasque/Video et Audio sed non Scio

(God, Machine, and Man/I See, I Hear, But I Do Not Know)

"And once again we have set events in motion, voluntarily fulfilling the prophecies, yet this time not with a fiery trumpet blast that shattered half the world but with the subtle manipulations of science," SEELE-9 murmured in a contemplative tone of voice. Again, the council of monoliths met in darkness, unseen and unknown by the billions who were manipulated by them. Even though they had no guests this time, voluntary or otherwise, they still replaced their faces with the words "SOUND ONLY". It had been agreed that more precautions would be taken in all future gatherings in an early meeting, and one of those was that holograms of their physical forms would no longer be used in case one of their meeting chambers had been bugged. It was unlikely, but then again, so should have been the failure of Third Impact.

"Yes, but the ascension of man cannot even be attempted again without the trials of the angels having been passed. We failed the final test, yet the angels remain gone. Whether to heaven, hell, or oblivion we do not know, but the test cannot be started in the same way it was last time. They must be forced to return or replaced," SEELE-6 said in an accent that sounded something like a deep, masculine Russian, though he could have been from anywhere. Whenever one of them spoke, their words were not only run through a computer that not only translated their words for the other listeners, but also added a pre-selected accent to it. Keel had even been known to use an English accent when he had decided to remain anonymous outside of meetings involving the high council of SEELE.

"Indeed, yet this feels like something Ikari would have done. It is perverse, and goes against nature," SEELE-10 interjected in a cracking voice, which was followed soon after by a fit of coughing and the sounds of him trying to catch his breath. "The length of time this project will take is also disheartening. It is impossible to say what sort of condition we will be in fifteen years from now. The Dead Sea Scrolls say nothing about what would happen if Third Impact failed to happen entirely after it was attempted. Even this project is mere guesswork, and events will follow the original prophecies only if we fit them. I still maintain we should attempt the ceremony again as soon as possible while Nerv and the UN are still unorganized. It has a better chance of success than this abomination."

Keel Lorenz smirked to himself and momentarily squeezed his hands together as they held each other in front of his face, as though he were in prayer. SEELE-10 was an old man, almost as old as he was, and in much worse health. He was eager to ascend as soon as possible to avoid death. It was doubtful that he would last another fifteen years even with another two or three organ transplants. It was no matter, though, he had contributed large amounts of money and manpower at one time, but his value was beginning to wane. His imminent death, whether natural or not, would make room for fresher blood on the council. He already had several candidates, all very loyal to him, lined up to replace the old man. 

"Impossible! To attempt it again now would result in nothing. Adam is dormant again and will remain that way until he feels the cries of his children. Only then can he unite with Lillith to open the gates. At best we would waste our time, and at worst we would give ourselves away and lose everything. I suspect there are ulterior motives to your suggestion ," SEELE-2 snarled in irritation at the old man.

"And you expect to awaken the father with this?" SEELE-10 said indignantly, ignoring SEELE-2's accusation. In spite of the low tones the computer made it out to be, behind it SEELE-1 imagined the speaker was really a high-pitched old man screeching away. It was almost humorous.

"As the dummy plug is heard by the Evangelion, so will the father hear and be deceived by this. As he believes that his children have fallen in the order of their birth, so will he look to complete himself in the mother. The mother will in turn look to the chosen of her soul and her child, humanity's son, to decide if mankind will accept the invitation as well. That which was made separate by the First Impact will be reunited, and the fruits of life and knowledge shall grow together once again in the new Eden," SEELE-9 murmured once again in a voice far softer than his associates, as though he were already dreaming of the hope of filling the empty part of his soul. He always had a love of beautiful words, SEELE-1 thought to himself amusedly. Perhaps he should have been a poet instead of a conspirator.

"You speak with ostentatious words, associate, yet the method we use is a greater blasphemy than even the Evangelion. We utilized that which man hated most to fulfill the prophecies and pass the tests, but that which we use it for now is far worse, even I find myself disgusted. It is not creating a god, it is a denial that one ever existed in the first place!" SEELE-11 spoke for the first time in a smooth yet somehow annoying voice. He was one of the few men on the council Lorenz distrusted even as he admired. He was cold and very shrewd person with a mind as sharp as a knife.

"Who is there to condemn us aside from ourselves?" SEELE-6 asked. "God? He has forsaken us. Man? He will never know until the final day, and afterwards he won't care."

"Perhaps, perhaps… your courage and strength are, as always… appreciated. Yet I feel that nothing good can come of trying to synthesize a course of action from the Scrolls. They may already be invalid and worthless. I will go with our plans, I agree with SEELE-1's earlier statements that this path has the best chance of leading to the conclusion we desire."

"Then why are you…" SEELE-6 began, but was abruptly cut off by SEELE-11 as he spoke once again.

"I am hesitant about it and support it at the same time because I see this as the worst possible course of action, aside from all the others. We have only hope and some failed prophecies, not the definitive knowledge we had the first time. Yet this hope causes us to use the science of man to create a pale shadow of the events which were originally supposed to occur. Is it really our hope that this weak imitation will be sufficient to provide the results we desire? If the Dead Sea Scrolls, prophecies created with far more knowledge and wisdom than we possess, failed to produce the ascension of man, then how can we expect our own grossly flawed works to trigger it?"

For a moment, silence reigned as each of the members considered the words. They knew them to be true and feared that truth. Each and every one of them had spent decades and risked everything in hopes that their vision would be realized, but night had fallen upon their vision with the failure of Third Impact, and they fumbled about blindly in the darkness with only elusive memories of what they had seen in the light to guide them . SEELE-1 finally decided to intervene before the confidence of the council could be eroded further, and in a voice as sharp as steel and as icy as the wasteland he had destroyed in his ambition, he spoke.

"We cannot control or predict if our current plan is sufficient to cause the forbidden union; we can only guess based on the prophecies and science. The best thing we can do is work to ensure that everything is in place to maximize our chances of success. Last time, we followed what we thought was a sure path and thus cast a blind eye on certain variables, hoping that the words of the Dead Sea Scrolls would be enough to manipulate them. If Ikari taught us one thing, it is that men can tamper with everything, even a schedule laid down by God himself. We will walk this path once again, but instead of faith we will have eyes open to all threats and possibilities. We must be confident and firm, for this is the only option we have left. Uncertainty and doubt will lead to disaster."

"Now then, what of the pilot of Unit-01? How does his training proceed?" SEELE-6 asked after a moment's pause. The debate regarding the merits of their new plan had ended, though no words or signal had been given. They simply knew it was time to move on to something else.

"It goes well, in spite of the obvious difficulties with working with someone so emotionally unbalanced. The boy seems to be kept alive only by a sense of guilt and obligation to the dead, but for now that is sufficient. He is becoming more guarded about his emotions, and in other areas of his training he is making progress. One point worth noting is that a relationship of trust will, in all due likelihood, never develop between the subject and our agent. If not because of the boy's fear, then it will not develop because of his teacher's hatred. The man genuinely dislikes him for obvious reasons, but the same reasons make him such a skilled and extremely devoted master of the boy's education. In this case, both the lack of trust between the two and the devotion of both to our cause benefit us. We are trying to create a predator, bound to us by his knowledge of the scenario and the belief that in the long run it will benefit both him and us. If a father-son relationship were to develop between them, both would be weakened. The happiness created by such a relationship would only encourage him to develop more close ties to people, and that would compromise our scenario. We want someone who can stand on his own, and will love only the idea of Complementation," SEELE-1 said calmly. To the other council members it sounded almost like he was reading from a script, though none was present. He had given this matter much thought.

"And what of Ikari's creation? The modern day Pygmalion's statue?" SEELE-6 continued to question.

"She is under passive surveillance to keep track of her whereabouts. She is a dangerous variable if she were to become actively involved again, but if all else fails she may serve as a catalyst. That is why she has not died yet, she is a backup plan. As always gentlemen, we balance two defeats on a knife's razor thin edge. The risk of this committee becoming revealed and destroyed from extending ourselves too far and the risk of a failed Third Impact if we do too little. We have created a plan with as many safeguards as we could find in our wisdom, and the time for questioning them is over. We will convene again in a month to discuss the progress of Nerv's reconstruction and its purpose until the final day comes. There are also other matters that are of pressing urgency. If that is all, then you are dismissed." SEELE-1 said in a voice filled with finality.

There were murmurs of agreement from the other council members, then without a single farewell or goodbye the monoliths disappeared. For Keel Lorenz, to see the massive and intimidating council chamber fade into a moderately sized office was always pleasing no matter how many times it happened. It indicated plans formed and executed, decisions made; it appealed to the work ethic that had helped him become the most powerful man in the world. 

Few would believe that the intimidating figure that was the master of the world's shadow government worked from a study that was anything but grandiose. No one besides Keel and his few trusted bodyguards ever saw it, however, so there was no need to impress anyone. He sat in a simple straight-backed wooden chair behind an eighteenth century writing desk. While the hologram that displayed him could make both the chair and the desk look as ostentatious as he liked, in reality they were worn and rather scuffed. The walls were lined with rich mahogany bookcases that were filled with every manner of literature, from a first edition Russian copy of _The Brothers Karamazov_ to, more appropriately, Machiavelli's _The Prince_. There was nothing of his plans or hopes in this room; he preferred that the Cray supercomputer located in a secure area twenty feet beneath the ground to manage his secrets. T1he original Dead Sea Scrolls themselves were kept in a climate controlled vault and could only be viewed via a tiny robot equipped with a camera that lived within. There were no visible pieces of technology from after 1920 in the room, but concealed within a chandelier above the desk was a holographic projector, which created the council chamber and displayed any other information Keel wished to access.

Very slowly, Lorenz stood up and paused for a moment to adjust his green robes with hands that were wrinkled with age but still strong, then he walked over to the room's only window. He walked slowly but evenly. The development of the machines that made up most of his body had been developed under his own personal supervision and as a result, like their creator, were extremely precise. The incredibly tiny computer, a machine whose cost in research and development as well as construction was enough to fund Nerv for several months, provided an interface between his brain and his body had severe limits upon interpreting the signals his brain sent to where his spinal cord used to be. He had reasonably good use of his hands, enough that he could still read on his own or eat with silverware, but below the waist his body was good for nothing beyond walking slowly or sitting and standing.

He gazed silently out the large window at the gardens which surrounded his estate. Although from where he stood the window seemed mundane, it actuality it was not only bulletproof but was not transparent from the outside. The gardens themselves had been done in a fashion similar to those that surrounded the largest of the plantations of the pre-Civil War South. Large but neatly trimmed shrubs stretched out across the landscape in seemingly random patterns that none the less drove the eye to the center of the gardens. Between the hedges were neatly trimmed lawns that were occasionally punctuated by white marble statues surrounded by orchids or roses, depending on if they were of a man or a woman. While most people would have commissioned statues based on beauty, Lorenz choose to model them based on people he admired. Whose strength and power had changed the world. Joseph Stalin, Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill, Joan of Arc, and other figures, some, monstrous, some mysterious, and some seemingly mundane all dotted the landscape. At the very center of the garden was something that could only be viewed properly from the window Keel was looking out now with his mechanical eye. It was a series of interconnected pools, eleven in all, shaped like the Systema Sephiroticum. Gendo Ikari had favored menacing symbols in the darkness of his office, but Lorenz preferred something more beautiful to truly give credit to the source of so much wisdom. The midday sunlight danced on pools filled with water lilies and flower petals from some nearby rose bushes. With his scientifically perfect vision, Keel could even see splashes as the large carp, which inhabited the waters, broke the surface. At first glance, these gardens were deserted, and indeed he had not walked them in years, but unseen in them and other parts of his estate prowled one of the largest and most elite private security forces in the world. Deadlier things lay silent and still, far beneath the surface.

For a little while, perhaps minutes, perhaps hours he regarded his garden. At Keel's age time itself was irrelevant unless there was work to be done. Then, slowly, he turned his head up towards the clear sky and spoke softly.

"Once again I play this game. With my will, pray tell, shall I win?" 

It may have been a rhetorical question. 

A favorite quote of Ritsuko Akagi's was "Moral debates become moot points once someone with power decides he wants something." Thus, the principles that had caused Kozo Fuyutski to refuse SEELE when they asked him to become the new commander of Nerv had not bothered the doctor when the same offer had been made to her. They were going to find someone sooner or later anyways, and she might as well be the one to benefit. It was, after all, better than spending the remainder of her life in a cell or worse. 

She knew that SEELE was planning something in spite of their claims otherwise; they would not maintain Nerv merely out of the kindness of their hearts since they didn't have any in the first place. They were most likely preparing for another attempt at their dream of forcing mankind to evolve into a higher being. She had gone along with it the first time, the idea of a new perspective, a new state of existence appealed to her as a scientist, and in the meantime her mind would be happily occupied by her new duties. Let others debate and rebel, for her, like it was for her mother, it was enough simply to strive for greatness. Other than that, there wasn't a whole lot to talk about.

In one hand she held an expensive black pen, expertly placed between her middle and index finger, which she was tapping absently against the black surface of the desk. Her opposite limb was acting as a support for her head, with her hand cupping her cheek and her elbow propped it up. Her legs were crossed but stretched out in front of her while her green eyes held a listless quality, like those of a cat who has grown tired of a game. Maya would have recognized the pose and what it meant her sempai was doing immediately. Ritsuko was trying to get through some paperwork, extremely dull, tedious, monotonous paperwork. What did not fit in this picture was her outfit, however. Instead of her usual eclectic mix of lab coat, skirt, and blue blouse, she was wearing the black and red uniform of the commander. To the doctor, the position did not seem to fit her either. While she did have experience ordering others around and her mind was one of the most organized in the world, having someone above her running things had always afforded a certain comfort. Now she was forced to answer to SEELE, the UN, and now the JSSDF, all of whom wanted things but none of whom could say how she was supposed to do it.

In addition to the stress of being in command, the position had certain unpleasant emotional connotations as well. Her relationship with Gendo Ikari had always been a rocky one with its chaotic mix of love, lust, and hate. Sixth months ago she thought she had loved him, a little less than two months ago she had been prepared to kill him, and now she didn't know what to think. What could she think of the man who was both her lover and her enemy now that he was dead? Maybe she was sad, maybe she was happy, or maybe she was just still confused by the fact that suddenly she was dressing like him, was sitting in his office, was taking his place. She could stand the uniform somehow, though it was hard to look in the mirror, but she had turned off the glowing red Sephirotic System that graced his floor, and she kept the lights on in his office now.

Ritsuko grumbled something and quickly signed the document, then put it in the pile of outgoing papers. Before grabbing another one, she reached for her "cat" coffee cup, which had become a permanent ornament on the desk then stopped. It had been a good hour since it had been filled last, and it was cold by now. Of course, it hadn't been very good in the first place. Her bleary eyes wandered to the other permanent resident of her desk, the ashtray, where her last cigarette was now resting as a smoking butt. For a moment, she considered taking it in hopes of getting a little more nicotine in her system, but decided that it wouldn't be very respectable for the commander of Nerv to do that. That and the fact she had tried it twice already. 

"I need a Sub-Commander before I go insane," she muttered to herself, picking up the second to last document that needed her review and approval. "No wonder Gendo's desk was always clean, he had Fuyutski."

Oh well, at least she was almost done she thought to herself. At that moment, her secretary decided to open the door and walk inside. Ritsuko quickly looked up, wondering if the woman had overheard her talking to herself. It was a habit of hers whenever she was caught in thought, but she still disliked others seeing, or rather, hearing her. She quickly uncrossed her legs and sat up straight so she was sitting in a less slovenly manner, then glanced at the secretary's hands to see if there was any more paperwork. 

Ritsuko hadn't been able to speak to her underling much, she was just some nervous girl fresh out of college or maybe a military school that had been assigned to her. The only time they had interacted was when she came to deliver more papers or take some away. It was strange, even though Ritsuko knew it was impossible, it seemed like her secretary was bringing more documents to be read and signed in than she was taking out. Several times she had considered telling the girl everything about the original E-project so SEELE would take her away from the damned paperwork back to her cell, but that was nothing more than an amusing notion her numbed mind came up with to occupy itself.

"Ma'am?" For a moment, Ritsuko smiled a bit. The way she said it reminded her of Maya. She was a good assistant, helpful and polite, a little shy though.

"Yes? And please announce you're coming in next time."

"Sorry," She gave a very low but abrupt bow and Ritsuko had to resist the urge to laugh. "I-I'll be sure to next time. I just received a call from Technical Division Three, they're preparing to secure Unit-01 the eighth cage."

Ritsuko nodded slightly, remembering that the original housings for the Evangelions had been destroyed or severely damaged in the JSSDF attack. A great deal of the base was like that, and several parts were still filled with bakelite. That had been a major issue with the salvage crews for a while. Like horrifying centers of some morbid candy, occasionally a worker would run across a corpse as he jack hammered his way through the brittle substance. It was never pretty, and more than a few had quit over their discoveries.

"Continue," Ritsuko prompted.

"They were wondering if you'd like to supervise it, ma'am. I-I guess they're a little worried about Unit-01," the girl said hesitantly. Unit-01 had become an almost taboo topic of conversation in Nerv. It was their greatest ally in some ways, but it was still a horror beyond anything mankind could imagine, especially after rumors about its final battle had circulated. 

"Did they say anything about the series?" Ritsuko asked, even though she already knew the answer. Even though the paperwork was boring, she remembered everything in it. It did give a good account about what was going on. The Eva series was to be stored at Nerv for the time being, perhaps as part of the new defense initiative they were discussing at the UN, but almost all of the cages had been rendered unusable. While they waited for repairs to finish, or at least bring them to the point where they could hold an Eva, the four surviving monsters, Unit-06, Unit-08, Unit-13, and Unit-11 had been stored in a variety of ways. The first two had been placed in the massive chamber where Shinji once trained for hours in centering the target and pulling the switch, while the others two had been temporarily moved to the launch catapults. They were not exactly the best places to hold a rampaging Eva, but the dummy plugs had been removed and hopefully that would be enough. Where the plugs had been taken, no one could say, but there were rumors that the JSSDF was not the only one that had scoured the ruins of Tokyo-3. The five destroyed Evas had been disposed of using the same equipment that had been used to clean up the remains of the Angels. Fortunately, the JSSDF had not targeted that machinery during their attack, so once the necessary personnel had been moved to Tokyo-3 it became a relatively simple matter. 

"N-no ma'am, just that repairs are progressing on schedule." Commander Akagi knew that meant they were late, but decided not to comment.

"And Unit-02?" She asked in a collected voice that barely hid her exhaustion as she stood up.

"Technical Division 4 is handling that I believe. They say that moving it's difficult due to its delicacy after the attack and the fact that its cage was damaged by the JSSDF. They've decided it would be best just to take their time, though they should have it ready to move into its cage by the time repairs are finished and the necessary supports are ready." Ritsuko leaned back in her chair slightly, apparently in thought, then nodded a bit to herself.

"Hmmm… the lances have all but destroyed the AT field, making it not only structurally unsound but normal cellular functioning impossible. Most likely they sent the entire organism into shock. We need something to repair the organic components as well. I doubt it can do that on its own, even if the cells could replicate it would be no better than cancer since differentiation would be impossible. They're too stunned to begin differentiating themselves, and too damaged to do it right even if they weren't. Have the engineers reinforce and repair it, but also have a biotech team, Division 9 should be good, set up a field lab on the surface. Have them insert of our reserve stem cells with Unit-02's DNA, we can probably use the Myazaki labs in Tokyo-2 to prep them. The type 5 cells would be best since the environment is going to be stressful and time is not of the essence. Hopefully having some functional cells in there will stimulate a return to normal conditions. Also, have Division 9 look at the proto-oncogenes before beginning the process. Tests have been inconclusive about whether or not cancer could develop in an Eva, and this would not be the best time to get an answer," Ritsuko looked up from the surface of the massive black desk at the sound of her assistant scribbling notes down frantically. At the sight of the girl's confused face, she felt a slight surprise that dispelled the faint pleasure she had been feeling at being able to act like a scientist for a few moments. The paperwork must have gotten to her, the girl was not supposed to know these sorts of things.

"Don't worry about writing that down, I'll handle it myself. It's best that certain things don't appear on paper," Ritsuko said in a voice considerably firmer than the wistful tone she had been using to describe what would be performed on Unit-02. Her secretary stopped writing and nodded slightly. "Give that to me."

The secretary tore several pages from the pad and hesitantly took a few nervous steps towards the desk as though it were some vicious animal. She placed them on its smooth, black surface and slid them over to Ritsuko, then immediately took a quick step back. While the doctor knew she wasn't very intimidating, the desk still carried an air of the man who once sat behind it in spite of the many items that cluttered it. The Commander picked the sheets up and placed them in her ashtray. With a practiced gesture she removed the lighter from her coat pocked and set the papers on fire. For a few moments the light from the tiny flames danced hypnotically upon her face, momentarily breaking the peaceful blue lighting Ritsuko favored in the room with the harsher red the former Commander preferred. The girl's eyes widened slightly, but she said nothing as the flames flicked out.

Ritsuko smiled bitterly to herself as the ashes fell off the sides of the tray and landed on the desk. Gendo would've hated that. One time she had made the mistake of tapping her cigarette over his desk while he was talking about something, the Dummy Plug timetables if she remembered correctly, and a few ashes had fallen onto it. Gendo had immediately stopped talking and simply glared at her for a few moments, shocking her enough to almost drop her cigarette. With an agonizingly slow motion, his cold eyes barely visible from behind his tinted glasses, he reached forward and delicately brushed the ashes from his desk. She had been oddly impressed by him; he had managed to avoid leaving a smear on either his hands or the desk's surface. He had then resumed talking, but she had never smoked in there again.

The former chairperson of Project-E stood up and nodded slightly to her assistant who had already recovered her composure. The two walked out of the office of one of the darkest men in history, the clicks of their footsteps echoing throughout the massive room. Ritsuko's mind, still numb from the paperwork, absently tried to calculate how long the echoes would remain in the room, but her heart wondered how long the ghost of her former lover would haunt her in that place. The first had an estimate, but the second could only guess.

If Gendo Ikari's office was the will of Nerv and the MAGI its mind, then Unit-01's cage was its heart. The JSSDF's effort to destroy this heart had been foiled by a young man's passion, or insanity as some would say, but they had managed to still it temporarily. Now technicians and engineers of Nerv, most of whom had been recruited from across the world in the month and a half since the attack, were trying to make it beat once again. The frozen bakelite had been shattered for the most part during Unit-01's ascension, but a great deal of heavy machinery had to be used to clear the massive shards that filled the room. The cage had also suffered severe damage, but hasty repairs had made it serviceable again, though several parts of it including the massive locks that held Unit-01 in place and the catwalk in front of it were still destroyed. 

The most obvious injury however was the gaping hole in the ceiling. Some of the personnel found it disorienting to work in the cage since just by looking up they could see all the way up to the massive tarp that covered the hole where the Nerv pyramid had once been. When they looked up, a gaping maw five hundred meters deep stared back at them. Ruined escalators dangled off the sides into the abyss like deformed teeth. Shards of jagged metal stuck out at insane angles most of the way up, but clsoe to the top the metal took on a strangely smooth, almost flowing quality where the intense energy from Unit-01 as it rose had melted it. One employee had even requested a transfer after seeing what might have been a vending machine tear itself loose from what once was a break room then go plummeting over fifteen hundred feet to smash itself on the cold metal floor of the cage. He had said that he just didn't feel safe working there anymore.

The workers that had remained, well over one hundred, were all busy now ensuring that the culmination of over forty days and nights of work would be successful. They had had an unusual amount of luck getting the Evangelion to the cages so far; no one had died even though the machinery they had scrapped together for this monumental task was usually out of date and originally intended for things other than moving an Evangelion, which weighed over one thousand tons. They had even used several dozen cranes to assist in moving Unit-01 down the launch tube, and the remains of one of them lay at the bottom as a result of its cable jamming, which caused the whole machine to be pulled into the abyss. The operator had barely jumped out in time, and he had taken a week off before he had returned.

After weeks of hard work, their efforts were about to come to fruition. Unit-01 was slowly being urged back into its cage. It was hunkered over itself slightly with thick steel wires wrapping around its arms, head, and torso to hold it to a massive overhead crane, giving it an appearance of a resting marionette. Its feet were on a huge platform supported by several dozen rails that was normally used to move it from its cage to the launch ramp. For the most part it seemed lifeless. Its armor was broken and charred, as though it had been subjected to a great heat. Visible the center of its chest, surrounded by a halo of blackened flesh and twisted metal was its ruby core, which even now seemed to glow with a disturbing life. This was nothing compared to its face, though. The once purple armor was now red with blood, a reminder of when it had rammed one of the series with the horn on the top of its head. Its jaw had broken free to reveal wicked teeth, and a few technicians had to throw up when they noticed the bits of flesh lodged in them. Its eyes, however, were the worst. The damage to its mask had shattered the lenses that normally gave them the appearance of being empty and white, and now visible to the world were the gleaming green orbs with the strange multiple pupils. They were disturbingly human, yet frighteningly animalistic at the same time. While many of the workers found them disturbing, few could decide which aspect of it haunted them the most. They stared forward, empty, and yet somehow hungry, as though it were a beast gazing at some innocent prey, waiting for the chance to strike. 

When the Eva had finally passed what had once been the catwalk where a long time ago a boy confronted his father for the first time in three years, the room fell silent except for the squeaking of the platform's wheels on the rails beneath it. Everyone held their breath, waiting for or perhaps even expecting something to go wrong. Unit-01 always did something unpredictable, always did something that went beyond the bounds of science. To think that it would silently return to its cage without a single complaint was almost absurd, yet that is exactly what it did. When the platform and overhead crane finally fell still, there were a few seconds of silence. Several workers almost cheered at the success of the operation, but none worked up the courage to defy the relieved silence that had fallen over the group. Their duties were far from done, anyways. There were still repairs to be conducted, especially on the gaping hole in the lower-right hand corner of the abdomen where the lance that finally defeated the rampaging beast had struck. The flesh around it was mysteriously dead, and LCL still dripped from the wound. Commander Akagi remembered how the lances caused the same injuries on the pilots and mentally winced. She had seen Unit-02 and had seen Asuka in the hospital on a camera briefly. The girl looked like little more than a mummy now. This caused her to briefly wonder about Shinji, but of his fate she did not know, and she did not plan on asking to find out. Instinct and experience told her it was best not to become too concerned with SEELE's affairs.

"Wake up."

For a moment after those words tore his sleep from him, Shinji found himself dazed and confused. Who had said that? Where was he? Was he awake? Was that Misato? No, she didn't wake him… no, she was… reality and the grim truth of Shinji's new life reasserted itself once again. It was probably his guardian Shinji thought, his mind still numb and confused. For several minutes, he simply lay there fighting his body's efforts to return to sleep, but slowly and with much effort his blue eyes opened to reveal a dark and cloudy world. He slowly reached up and rubbed them with one hand while the other remained limp in bed, and after a few moments the world became clearer. His room was much as it had been when he had first arrived, but a few minor changes had occurred. The music around his cello was slightly less organized, and several books were placed on the dresser next to him. He had taken up playing the instrument more often, since when he concentrated on making music rather than simply listening to it, it was harder for the memories to assail him. Often he would spend hours just sitting and playing as he gazed blankly out the window at the Tokyo-2 skyline. The sound of his music gave an aspect of humanity to the otherwise cold and impersonal surroundings of his apartment, and sometimes that was enough. He still listened to his SDAT sometimes, though, as evidenced by the presence of the device and a half empty package of batteries on the desk next to a collection of Bach pieces.

Shinji quickly noticed something else, however. On his dresser was a school uniform, neatly folded with a black leather belt, polished silver wristwatch that looked expensive, and an alligator skin wallet on top of it. He just started for a few seconds, overcome with the memories that the simple black and white uniform carried. It was much nicer than his old one, but the design was the same. It also meant something else that gave Shinji a sense of apprehension approaching fear; today was his first day of school. It meant dealing with people, and the boy felt that his lessons wouldn't be enough. His mind had a better idea of how to be cold and collected, but it did not matter since his heart was still frightened and alone. He knew this. Still… someday maybe… he wouldn't be so weak.

Before finally getting up out of bed, Shinji started to stretch but abruptly stopped halfway through raising his arms and looked around with suddenly nervous eyes for his guardian, but the man was gone. Maybe he was in the living room, but at least they wouldn't be playing the Game. He had gotten better at dealing with the Game, though he wasn't sure how. His body felt like it was dying somehow, and while he often wanted death, it wasn't this kind that he desired. He didn't cry anymore, he couldn't. Everything just felt dead and distant to him. Even when his guardian was mocking him over Misato's death, or discussing Asuka's lack of progress in ever waking up and how it was his fault, he just felt like he wasn't there. His guardian was talking to someone else, someone different, while he was just watching the proceedings. Not even the memories that asserted themselves violently into his daydreams got the same reactions they used to. A whimper or groan of despair at the most, but he didn't cry. He couldn't cry anymore, though he felt like crying constantly. The sorrow, the self-pity, all of his disgusting weaknesses were there, but the tears would not come. Was he becoming less human already? Like his father was? No, his father hadn't felt anything at all. He was an inhuman monster… but… that's what SEELE wanted him to become… was it right to go through with everything even if it meant that?

Shinji froze suddenly, his eyes widening as the cold epiphany struck him. After several long seconds of stillness, he shook his head vigorously. No! It didn't have to be like that! He didn't have to become his father. He could be cold and collected on the outside but still human on the inside, couldn't he? A slight smile began to form on his face, one of relief. His father had been cruel to everyone, but he felt bad when he even thought about hurting someone. Maybe he could avoid hurting people, even if it meant a little extra pain for himself. His family would appreciate that, wouldn't they? Maybe seeing that he had suffered would make it easier for them to forgive him. His suffering was his penance. Yes, his suffering would keep him from being like his father. His father never suffered at all, not even when he hurt people. He would keep his suffering, but SEELE didn't have to know. They just wanted an act, but what would that act entail? When it was time to act, would be able to? Even for them? Would he go through with everything even if it meant that?

Shinji shook his head, trying to banish the endless storm of doubts about who he was and who he would become. He didn't want to think too much right now, and being late would annoy his guardian, which would result in a punishment. He didn't want to go to school either, but for far deeper reasons than the typical student. It was the people. He just didn't know how to face them, he thought has he threw his covers aside and slowly forced himself out of bed. How could he deal with them? When he had started school in Tokyo-3 about a year before, he hadn't known how to deal with his classmates. He didn't know how to tell a joke, discuss a movie, or be a friend. The gulf between him and the rest of humanity had been that deep. Now he didn't want to do any of those, he just wanted to be left alone. They wouldn't understand him, and he wouldn't know how to make them understand. Nothing good would come of it. How could he make them leave him alone? He was a new kid starting late in the school year, that would get him attention.

He froze suddenly, in the middle of buttoning his shirt. Would they make him go up in front of the class? Everyone would stare at him… he couldn't be calm in front of that, he couldn't be calm in front of one person. He would break down and everything would go bad.

He shook his head and finished putting on his clothes. There was no avoiding it, he wouldn't be allowed to run away. Finally he picked up the wallet and watch. They looked extremely expensive. What sort of school was he going to? One with rich kids? Maybe his guardian was giving him these things so he'd fit in, but something felt strange about that. Nothing was ever that simple in his life he thought as he hesitantly put the watch on. For a moment he just stared at it, watching the tiny hands turn behind the crystalline face as the morning light reflected off the silver links to cast strange patterns on the wall. Before putting his wallet in his pocket, however, he opened it up and briefly looked inside, then blinked. There were two one thousand yen bills and a school ID. The picture of him was familiar, and it took him a second to realize where it was from. It was the same one that had been used of him in his Nerv ID. It was a nice picture, well, as nice as a picture of him could be he supposed. He looked very formal in his black uniform, very proper and acceptable except for… he didn't know, but something about it bothered him. He looked at the information written to the side of the picture. Tokyo-3 Shinaio District High School. High school? He wasn't in high school, he was supposed to be in junior high. The school sounded public, too. From his clothing he had thought he was going to a private school, but maybe it was in a wealthy area. Then his eyes caught sight of what year he had been assigned to.

For a moment he wanted to yell in surprise as his eyes grew wide with shock and horror. This was worse than anything he had imagined! He wasn't a second year in high school! They could have increased him to a third year in junior high maybe but this was just insane! What was his guardian trying to do to him? A younger kid entering an advanced year, he would be a spectacle, and his classmates would hate him for being different. He knew what it was like. Trembling, he slammed his wallet shut and sat down heavily on the bed, his eyes still wide as he slid his wallet into his pocket. He glanced down suddenly to see that his other hand latched onto some of his sheets and was gripping them almost painfully in an effort to clench. He forced himself to relax, then slowly stood up and walked out of his room to the living room where his guardian awaited him, sitting on a straight-backed wooden chair. Their eyes locked for a few moments, and for a moment Shinji felt a flash of anger at being forced into an environment even more alien than what he had expected. His eyes narrowed slightly, and he was able to hold his guardian's stare, but after a few seconds under the man's heartless gaze he broke away, still unable to handle it. It always made him feel small and pathetic.

Shinji stood still, gazing at the school, the hand that had tried to begin its ritualistic clenching earlier that morning now succeeding. This place was not what he had expected. This was not an upper class high school. There were no neatly trimmed lawns surrounding an eloquent and modern building with well-dressed students pouring into it. Instead, the lawn was mostly concrete with little patches of yellow grass peeking through the cracks. The school itself was a squat building that had already become run down in spite of the fact it was probably no more than ten years old. It was made of ugly brown bricks that suggested it had been destined for nothing better than decay the moment it was conceived. The monotony of the bricks was frequently broken by bright spray paint and occasionally boarded over windows. The students that hung around it matched the surrounding environment. Most were out of uniform and dressed in whatever they felt like, and the few that were in uniform seemed nervous even though their clothes were in horrible shape. The looks Shinji was getting were worse. Two girls passing by him in short skirts and tank tops gave him the only non-contemptuous gazes he saw; they looked frightened. Most of the other students were gazing at him with outright hostility. 

The worst were coming from a group of boys near the stairs that lead to the doors of the school. They were all poorly dressed and unshaven, briefly reminding him of Kaji, but instead of good humor, their eyes were filled with cold mirth and malice. They looked as though they were in on some great cosmic joke that everyone else was the butt of. Even as he gazed back at them like a frightened rabbit, he saw one of them shove another student wearing a uniform down as he tried to get up the stairs. His gut did a flop as suddenly one of them pointed at him and said something loudly to the others. Shinji was afraid, as afraid as he had ever been in the Evangelion. Yet there was nothing to protect him now. He began to walk towards the building as the first bells rang, signaling the beginning of a new day. His hand absently brushed his watch as he began to walk towards the building. He stared at the ground in front of him unblinking, unwilling to make eye contact or look up in fear of what he might see. 

"I will not run away," he whispered to himself over and over again, drawing strange glances from the few that heard it as he trudged up the stairs into the building.

Shinji could hardly hear the words of the teacher; he was trying too hard to ignore the weight of the malignant gazes that fell upon him from every direction. The way he seemed to crouch in his desk and the occasional nervous shifting of his scared eyes belied his efforts, though. He was familiar with hatred. He had felt it constantly, been the target of it often, and had often received pain from the hands of those who hated him. The anger that was being directed towards him here was a new sort, though. It was something more primal, more overwhelming; it was the anger of a clan towards an outsider. He was their antithesis, and like an organism after discovering a foreign element within itself, they would do their best to destroy him. He had been set up, and he now felt that it was another test, though of what kind he could not guess. 

He suddenly looked up and glanced around the room, feeling a need to confirm that it was not just his own idiocy leading him to believe they were after him. He was stupid often, he knew that, and maybe he was just deluding himself. His teacher said he did that often. Everywhere he looked brown and black eyes returned his brief glance with a cold gaze. Some were filled with suspicion, threatened by this apparently wealthy kid that had been promoted to a class far above his age. Others were filled with anger; he was someone different, someone that didn't belong here, someone that had intruded into their world. The worst kind was the faces that showed a horrific good humor. They knew what was coming, what their strange, decaying society demanded; a sacrifice to symbolically harm all those who lived with luxury and power, to bring down those who thought they were better. Shinji had become a sacrifice to the nameless and cruel gods that lurk in the allies, and the priests performing the ritual would enjoy it greatly. 

One face in particular caught Shinji's attention long enough for his brief, frightened glance to become a stare. He was sitting behind and to the left of him, lazily propping his head up on one calloused hand while the other scratched a pen along the desk's surface. One of his legs sprawled across the aisle while the other kicked occasionally at the boy in front of him. His victim, small for his age seemed too frightened to retaliate or ask him to stop, but Shinji could see his teeth clenched in annoyance. The larger boy's attention however was directed at Shinji, and as he caught his gaze a large, leering grin formed on his pimple-scarred face. He raised his hands and head up, then cracked his knuckles loudly and began to grind one fist into his open palm, his grin widening. Shinji quickly looked away and tried to sink into his desk, feeling completely and utterly helpless once again. It was strange in a way. The last time he had been in a situation like this, he had felt this way because of his inability to save anyone else, to do anything right. Now he felt this way over himself, because he knew there was no chance of being saved from it. Oh well, the pain would be bad, but at least he was used to it. 

'It'll only be a few punches probably, I hope. They can't do anything worse to me than Eva,' Shinji thought to himself, trying to rationalize away his fear. 'I'll be okay, they just want to train me in dealing with pain but I already know how to do that. I've been hurt worse than anyone here… getting a broken nose or something won't be so bad… eventually they'll get tired of me and move onto someone else, but… they know I'm weak, I'll keep getting hurt. Damnit what does my teacher want me here for? Doesn't he know I already have felt enough pain? Maybe… he's just being cruel. That's it, he just wants to see me hurt. They just want to see me suffer more.'

For a moment, Shinji's fear left him and instead was replaced by a sharp pang of anger. His eyes narrowed dangerously and his rapid breathing slowed as his teeth clenched together. He didn't see it, but a few of the malignant stares he was receiving ended as the onlookers found better things to gaze at than the weak, younger child that suddenly seemed almost… dangerous. His dark blue eyes, for a moment, were no longer filled with bleak, hopeless fear, but the focused, cold anger of one who had been acquainted with death. The older student behind him, the same one that had stared him down earlier, did not see this however and continued to grin. He had already anointed himself to be high priest of the day's ritual and knew that certain duties must be performed.

Shinji had never really thought of himself as being claustrophobic. He had spent hundreds of hours in the entry plug, and the only time he had ever really felt trapped in it was when he had been in the Sea of Dirac. In fact, he had always found enclosed spaces to be comforting in a way. There was less unpredictability, less confusion, less freedom to make mistakes. However, he was feeling something that could only be described as claustrophobia now however as he found himself enclosed by crowds of other students as they shuffled to lunch. Their shoulders came up to his head, and he found himself jostled about roughly as they bumped against him incessantly. The fact that he was much shorter, a second-year student in a junior high school suddenly pushed up to a second-year student in a regular high school, did not help. He looked about in a near panic, occasionally trying to strain up to see above the moving hordes, but even when he was able to all he could see was a brown and battered locker or a stained yellow wall. He wished there was a window he could look out of, maybe just to remind himself that there was something beyond this hell.

It was worse than just not being able to see, however. The smells and sounds of the hordes assailed him. The hum of conversation seemed to be growing louder and louder as people strained to be heard over each other. It hurt his ears, being pounded with hundreds, perhaps thousands of voices that melded together into an incomprehensible roar. It was hard to even form coherent thoughts beyond a desire to run away from this place. The smell made each sharp intake of air through his mouth tedious to the point of being painful. The smell of unwashed bodies, sweat, and even the faint scent of blood mingled in his nose. It was just too much he thought as he continued to shuffle along with the crowds, trying to avoid injury. 

The urge to run away was growing, fed by the endless chaos of the high school students as they tried to get to lunch. He wanted to just start pushing and screaming his way through the crowds, to let himself go until he found himself free. It was too insane here. He had been set up by his guardian for this? There was nothing here except suffering… not suffering as he knew it, but something just as bad. It was like an unfamiliar ceiling, but infinitely worse and more direct; an unfamiliar world.

He was about to follow what his survival instinct was urging him to do when suddenly he found himself free as the crowd shuffled him through a wide pair of doors into the cafeteria. The first thing he felt was a sense of relief as he noticed that while this place was crowded, at least it was somewhat open. There were still too many people there for comfort, but at least he had some room to move around. The smell of hot food was also a welcome change from the less pleasant scents of his fellow students. It was nowhere near pleasant and eating here would probably be hell, but it was still nice, and it relaxed him considerably. The stench of curry that emanated from the half open kitchen doors to the side of him and the battered buffet at the far end of the hall was comforting. It reminded him of Misato… of home. Without even being aware of it, Shinji had frozen and managed a real smile for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. The moment lasted all too short, however, and Shinji's eyes bulged with surprise as a member of the crowds still pouring through the door bumped into him harshly, almost knocking him over.

He heard a muttered sorry from the person, a girl it sounded like, but there was something decidedly insincere about it. Still, considering the people around here, he supposed he was lucky to get one at all. After a moment's hesitation, the generally awkward feeling he got from being different was beginning to resurface now that panic was no longer dominating his mind, he moved into the line to get his lunch. He thought briefly about bringing his own next time as he shuffled behind a girl wearing some cutoff shorts that would've made Misato blush, but noticed that no one else seemed to go through the trouble. 

Absently, he reached for his wallet to make sure he had enough to purchase something, in spite of the fact that he already knew he did from earlier that morning. As his hand slipped into his pocket, he frowned. Nothing was there. For a moment, he simply held it there, frowning slightly, then slowly withdrew it and stared at his palm for a moment as though expecting it to appear out of nowhere. He really didn't care about the wallet, it was a stupid thing, and he didn't consider it his anyways, but he would've liked to eat in spite of the fact that the food smelled like Misato's, or perhaps because of that. Another surge of sadness and anger went through him; another chance to go home for a few moments and escape this hell had been stolen from him. Maybe it was the person that had bumped into him earlier, or maybe it was someone in the hall, but it didn't matter. He had been teased for a moment then had the thing he desired so briefly had been cruelly torn from him. Maybe it would always be like that, walking an eternity to reach heaven only to be pulled back to hell when he was a step away.

Behind him he suddenly heard a burst of mocking laughter and his back stiffened. Slowly, he turned his head around to see the gang that had been standing next to the stairs outside the building earlier. They were all snickering at him, one of them, a girl hanging onto the arm of the boy that had been grinning at him in class earlier, even gave an almost flippant wave. She was a very pretty girl, with long dark hair, pale yet healthy skin, and gleaming dark eyes. In addition, she had an excellent figure that she proudly showed off in a cut off tank top and shorts that left little to the imagination. Her beauty was marred by the sneer on her face, however, and as Shinji watched she casually withdrew his wallet from her pocket and handed it to her apparent boyfriend, then gave him a lingering kiss on the lips. As she pulled away, Shinji could even see her tongue withdrawing. His eyes narrowed slightly with anger and not a small bit of envy, not at the fact that such a large, ugly man would have a girlfriend like her, her appearance didn't really matter to him, but at the fact that they could be horrible people and yet had other people in their lives, yet he had always thought himself meek and alone. Why did they have to hurt those that were lesser than them? Didn't they have enough? The anger grew, and Shinji felt his eyes narrow once again as he stepped forward.

The group of six bristled suddenly, and a very dangerous look filled their eyes as their grins disappeared. Shinji felt a burst of fear. Why had he stepped forward when he was hopelessly outnumbered? This was exactly what they wanted, an excuse to tear him apart. He twitched slightly and his eyes widened as he tried to step back into line, just to back down if nothing else. Instead of finding his spot still empty, however, he bumped into someone who gave him a harsh push back towards the group with a curse of annoyance. Shinji staggered towards them for a moment, but managed to keep his balance, only to see one of the members of the group, a coldly handsome boy with a jagged scar running down his cheek and flat, dead eyes, suddenly take the gator-skin wallet from the leader and begin to advance towards him. His lips curved up in an obviously false smile as he stepped in front of Shinji and offered him the wallet. Shinji was too surprised to notice this, however, and hesitantly reached out to take it. As his arm extended, time seemed to slow. His ears told him the lunchroom had grown quiet as all attention was turned to him. Even the lunch ladies had paused in distributing their sickening wares to watch the spectacle that was unfolding. The sunlight pouring through the large, cheap glass windows seemed too bright, the smells seemed too strong, even for Misato's cooking, but most of all he could feel something in the air best described as… anticipation. 

His arm continued to reach towards the wallet, however, even as his mind screamed at him to get away, even as his heart told him he could find no kindness in this place. As he prepared to take what was his back, all of the false friendliness left the boy's demeanor, and instead of having over the wallet he sharply slapped Shinji across the face with it. The sound of the vicious smack seemed to echo throughout the all but silent cafeteria that had become an auditorium. Even as Shinji's head turned violently to the side, the pain registering throughout his body, he felt a hand wrap around his wrist, fumbling for his watch. Helpless, he felt the clasp undone, and then it was rapidly jerked away from him. The harsh metal edge of the band scraped against his skin, and a moment later the boy stared dumbly for a moment at the bloody mark which now ran up the front of his wrist. Some of it was seeping down his arm, turning the white of his uniform to red as the stain began to grow. A snap in front of his face suddenly drew his attention, and he looked up to see his persecutor happily holding both his wallet and wristwatch directly in front of him. 

Shinji blinked, not understanding, too shocked to comprehend what had just happened, then suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his stomach as the boy rammed his jean-clad knee into it. As Shinji fell to the ground, he heard laughter again, but this time it was closer, all around him, everywhere. The entire auditorium, especially the gang that had taken up positions around him, seemed to be laughing at him. He looked around desperately, seeking a teacher, a custodian, any figure of authority that could save him. All he could see were mocking, laughing, point students. Then he caught sight of a teacher, wandering absently between the rows of tables. For a moment, Shinji felt his heart rise in hope. They would help him. They had to! They would do their job, and he would be okay! He didn't care about his watch or wallet, he didn't care if he ate or not, he just wanted someone to save him. After a few moments though, he noticed something. The teacher, a pudgy middle aged man with small glasses and a bald head seemed to be looking in every direction but the one he was in, as though he wanted to avoid having to deal with Shinji. He noticed something else as well, the man seemed afraid. His skin was practically gleaming with sweat. 

"Think you can get away, ya spoiled little rich-fuck?" a cruel voice whispered in his ear.

Shinji closed his eyes sharply in pain again as a foot impacted against his rib and the laughter increased. He tried to curl up and roll away from his antagonist, only to have another foot strike him in the arm, causing him to cry out. The laughter increased. Another foot struck him in the thigh and he moaned, then tried to curl up tighter. The room was roaring now, and distantly Shinji could hear the sounds of stamping feet as he was kicked again and again. Suddenly, Shinji felt a pressure against his index finger. Slowly, his dark blue eyes opened to reveal the fuzzy image of a booted foot with its heel pressing against his digit firmly enough to hold him in place but not enough to hurt. Shinji's eyes followed the foot up to the vague yet ugly form of a man and a face he barely recognized as the boy from class earlier. The room was completely silent now, and Shinji could hear the boy's breathing. Slowly, the image cleared, and for a moment the two faced each other; an expressionless predator and a terrified boy. Then suddenly his enemy spoke in a calm, relaxed voice.

"How 'bout this, fag?"

The heel pressed down against Shinji's finger, then twisted sharply

__

CRACK! 

whatdidIdoohgodithurtsmakeitstopohgodtheyhatemeithurtsithurtsohgoditurtsITHURTS

Shinji screamed in pain, abandoning the little pride and shame he had. The scream became a howl as his eyes blurred with tears, then suddenly all went dark as another foot struck him in the head.

Two figures stood face to face before an elevator, both of them dying in different ways. Something happened that was not supposed to have happened. The taller spoke three words, and the shorter figure looked up sharply, stunned. The first figure spoke again and looked expectantly at the second until it nodded, then something on a silver chain was passed between the two. A quick shove from the long-haired one was the only goodbye exchanged, and a silent promise in the heart of a boy was the only lingering sign of affection.

The boy knew the final three words and kept them close, for they were what he desired to hear, but even they could not warm him in the place the elevator doors had once again opened to reveal. He stood on the verge yawning hallway, leading to two massive wooden doors, like those of a church. There was absolute silence here, not even the sounds of the battle raging all around it disturbed this most sacred of places. He began to walk slowly forward, unsure of why he was doing it, but feeling the need to, like something was calling him to this place.

As he began to move forward on the darkly carpeted floor, the shadows seemed to dance about him, making the plain white walls seem beautiful in a dark and mysterious way. The world was a ballet of night and silence as he approached the doors, and even the death of Misato seemed like nothing more than an old, dusty memory in face of his new horror and awe. His eyes and his heart were completely fixated on the doors in front of him, barely visible in the darkness, and he could feel the cold literally seeping through it. He did not shy away though, feeling the compulsion to simply see what was beyond them above even his fear. He paused in front of them and closed his eyes for a moment, simply collecting himself for a moment, then began to reach towards the dark bronze handle that would admit him to this place.

His breathing grew faster and faster until it was a desperate panting as he drew close. His eyes widened, the silence became overwhelming, and the world died around him except for those doors, standing like two silent sentinels protecting the unknown. It was beautiful. It was horrific. It was sweet oblivion. His hand, trembling with terror and anticipation, slowly wrapped itself around the handle. Agony. Ecstasy. Silence. Absolute, dead cold overcame him, and he was cast once again screaming into the void. 

The dusty wind stung his eyes as he stood in front of his mother's grave. The black obsidian stood as a memorial to regret and time passed, for even when it was young it was already ancient. Each monument was stunningly simple, yet haunting, and the one Shinji stood at now could easily have been passed over in favor of the thousands around it except for the truth that bound him to it. He knew who lay here, and he felt a familiarity with her even though his memories were gone, hidden somewhere in the dark spaces beyond time and trauma. The sun was harsh in the cloudless sky, and for a brief moment Shinji was reminded of a desert. The place was insolated in some fundamental way by the mountains that surrounded it, like a wall for a world inhabited only by the dead. Perhaps the designers had intended it to be that way he thought as he set the pale blue flowers, the color of Rei's hair, down in front of his mother's grave. It was a place that would not only welcome your mourning, but encouraged the horrifying realization of the futility of all things human. The death of the land and the unending tombstones seemed to whisper that everything he was, everything he would ever be, all would end in death. All things would end here.

Certainly his father seemed to feel it. Shinji could feel the simple, overwhelming presence of the man as surely as he could see his mother's grave. His father and this cemetery were alike somehow, though he could not put it into words. The Commander was stern and cold as always, and his eyes, hidden behind dark orange glasses that made them look like a deep, demonic red, focused straight ahead. In spite of the heat, a strange contrast to the cold Shinji had felt earlier, Gendo Ikari did not seem discomforted by his elaborate uniform of black and red. Wait, where had he felt cold earlier? He felt he should know, but he didn't. It was more than a little disturbing. His father broke the silence suddenly, startling Shinji with his strong yet empty voice, yet he found that he had expected different words from him.

"Shinji."

"Y-yes father?" He spoke in a weak, quiet tone, as though desiring to speak and yet fearing to at the same time.

"Do you understand yet?" Gendo turned his head and glowered down at his son, and Shinji could feel the disapproval radiating off of him like the heat that shimmered forth from the ground. There was something else, though, almost a sense of expectation in the words.

"Understand what?" He said, feeling a bit of shame at having failed once again, though not knowing what he had failed at.

"That the same hand which gives comfort also gives pain. The fingers that caress may strangle. The mouth that speaks words of warmth may spit words of cold. Ultimately, humanity finds both sensations to be the same."

"F-father?"

Gendo stood there silently, waiting for an answer. Shinji had never felt as much attention directed upon him as was being focused now, even when he had given a cello recital with his old school, only to mangle one of the notes during a solo.

"I-I think I do… that love carries pain."

"Correct…" Commander Ikari nodded slightly. "But do you know where the balance between the two is?"

Shinji frowned for a moment in thought. The disapproval no longer seemed so tangible to him, allowing him to free his mind and think more, yet no answer came to him. As the seconds, minutes, perhaps hours passed, nothing changed, yet still he sought it. Just when he thought that he would be trapped there forever under and endless sun in a place of the dead, with only a silent and cold father as his companion, the Commander spoke once again.

"It exists in absolute emptiness." One white-gloved hand came up and touched the center of Shinji's forehead as though he were giving absolution in him. The coldness of the fingers burned into his skin, and once again Shinji fell into the darkness.

In the west the sun was setting, igniting the sky with a thousand shades of red and orange. Even the clouds seemed a lazy pink as they drifted overhead. Shinji leaned back a bit more against the edge of the hot springs bath, staring absently up at the sky. It would be night soon, the eastern horizon was already beginning to grow dark and a few stars hesitantly twinkled in spite of the dying but still powerful light from the sun. He didn't mind the night, and it would be nice to stay there until morning. The warm water wrapped around him comfortably, giving him a sensation similar to being in the entry plug, but without the unpleasant scent of blood. He smiled a bit, flicking absently at the water with one finger while Pen Pen drifted on his back a few meters away, the slow, relaxed motions of his flippers making faint ripples in the otherwise placid water.

Yes, this was truly paradise. No concerns, no worries, no sound except the chirping of the cicadas bidding farewell to the sun. He felt like he could spend the rest of time here. Yet, at the same time this place was lonely. There wasn't a human soul anywhere that he could see, and even as this fact worried him it comforted him. There was no one to hate him, just Pen Pen who was friendly towards him for no more than making him his meals. He wished people were more like that, more appreciative of the simple things in life.

'Shinji?"

Misato's voice rose softly from across the partition that separated the men from the women, and Shinji found himself smiling a bit. Her voice had a soft, soothing quality to it when she wasn't yelling or teasing him, and he enjoyed listening to it. He lay there a moment longer, letting the silence return for a bit, before responding.

"Yes, Misato?"

"Are you happy?"

Shinji frowned at this. He thought she was going to ask him to toss something over to her or if everything was alright; he had been quiet for a while. After the surprise faded, however, he considered the question. Was he happy?

"I… don't know. Sometimes I am… like… when things are like this, but other times I'm not I guess…" Shinji said hesitantly, and he could almost see her frown at the indecisiveness of his answer. A part of him hoped she wouldn't stop talking, though, even if this conversation felt awkward.

"Do you want to be happy?"

"I do…"

"What makes you happy?"

"Being around others. My friends… my… family. They make me happy."

"Why?"

Shinji looked away abruptly from the partition and shook his head. He didn't normally think about things like this, they never had any answers anyways.

"They… just do," he said, then sighed a bit, and tried to articulate the sensations once again. "I know they might leave me… they might abandon me… but at the same time I like feeling this way, because I know that right now they care about me. No one's ever cared about me before like this… I'm scared by it because… it makes me want things."

"What things?"

"It makes me want… to be with them."

There was silence for several long moments, and Shinji realized that even the cicadas seemed more quiet now. It was as though the whole world awaited Misato's answer.

"And what if they leave you?"

Shinji resisted the urge to scream as the memories from the real world, a darker world, suddenly poured back into his head. He tried to curl up into a ball, trying to retreat into himself to escape the images of death and destruction, of loss and misery, but instead found himself struggling under the water of the spring. Pen Pen squawked in surprise and began to paddle rapidly away from the trashing boy, and a flock of birds nestled for the night in one of the trees took flight in a panic, rudely awakened from their sleep.

Suddenly, Shinji broke the surface and gasped roughly, and then he finally did scream in pure agony, for the water drifting over from Misato's side was stained with blood, her blood. His howl echoed throughout the resort, echoing over the hills and through the grasslands surrounding it. The cicadas fell completely silent at his soliloquy of loneliness, as though paying him homage for all the suffering he had gone through. When he finally ran out of air, he gave a few rough, choking sobs, no longer feeling good or welcome in this place. All he felt was loneliness. He suddenly gasped in air again, then responded, not sure where the words came from or why he said them with such confidence, but feeling more conviction in them than he had ever believed was possible for himself. Once again, the boy screamed into the night sky as one hand pounded futilely against the water.

"I will get them back damn it! I will! I will! I Will! I WILL! I WILL!

Suddenly, he caught something out of the corner of his eye, and rapidly jerked his head around. There was Misato. But instead of the dying woman he had left in Central Dogma, she was alive and healthy again, wearing the dark colored dress she had been in when they had first met. She was smiling softly and sadly at him as she lounged in the water, almost floating so that her purple hair formed a halo around her head on the surface. She really was beautiful, even if he considered her something more akin to a mother or older sister than a love interest. These thoughts ended when he caught sight of her eyes and the forgiving warmth in them. In spite of his naked state, he felt relaxed and at ease here, and suddenly, everything was better, not alright, for he knew the truth now, but better. She spoke again and reached out to gently caress his cheek with the palm of her hand.

"Remember Shinji, whatever your dreams are and wherever they take you, don't lose yourself. Nothing, not even a dream is worth that, because when you lose yourself, you find that your heart becomes the coldest place of all…" 

She caressed his cheek again, and with her touch night finally came over the springs. The darkness welcomed him and comforted him, and the sleep it gave he found a rare peace and warmth. The warmth of a mother.

The first sensation that came back to Shinji was pain. His whole body throbbed and ached, even though he was still in the darkness. His ribs and forehead hurt badly, but worst of all was his right index finger, which felt like it was burning. When he tried to moan in pain, he found that his mouth was filled with something soft and unpleasant. It tasted disgusting, but vaguely like food. Acting on instinct, he spat it out and felt a spray of wet, soft objects splatter down on his face, but at least his mouth was free. An unpleasant aftertaste remained, though. Slowly, painfully, he opened his eyes to reveal a blurry world. It felt like waking up, but his aching body destroyed any pleasant sense of rest. Slowly turned his head to the side to see what he had spat out, and saw a blurry image which looked vaguely like a half eaten sandwich. 

After a few seconds of simply staring at it, he began to look over the rest of himself. Someone, or rather a group of people, had covered him in their refuse. He could guess who they were, but he wasn't sure. There was a lot of it for just six people. Ketchup and mustard stains covered his shirt, and some noodles had been dumped directly on the crotch of his pants. There were napkins covering him, most of them used, and he could see that a few lying on his arms were stained with blood, probably his. Having finished this examination, Shinji simply stared up at the ceiling for a moment, making no sound except for his steady breathing. The pain was bad, but bearable, he had experienced much worse and could resist the urge to cry or scream. The humiliation would've been bad, but he found that he really didn't care all that much. He had expected something like this to happen. It was expected when you were weak and pathetic.

"Hmmm… Disgusting," someone behind him said in a sharp, cold tone. Shinji immediately recognized who it was, but wasn't able to respond.

"You were unable to defend yourself I see, and now you have set yourself up as a victim. If you had any intelligence at all, you would've taken steps to ensure that not only would you blend into this society, but that you would be someone to be feared, not to be abused. Now, everyone knows you for what you are, a weak, pathetic, coward worthy only of their contempt."

Shinji blinked several times. He had hoped that his guardian would take some action on his behalf to ensure that this wouldn't happen again, but he should've known better since he had been the one who had set this up in the first place. His eyes narrowed slightly in anger, but he bit his lip while he considered a response. He had resolved not to give his teacher any excuse to extend the length of the Game, even when he was emotional like he was now. It still hurt him, even if he didn't respond with tears anymore, and he hated it.

"Why… did you set me up like this? This wasn't about getting me into school at all was it? What are you really trying to do?" Shinji said in a voice tense with anger. He knew he was weak and pathetic, but sending him to school just so he would be beaten seemed excessive even to him. He was doing everything they wanted, why were they doing this?

"Ah, so you realize your situation," his guardian said smoothly from somewhere behind him. "I must congratulate you on having a strong grasp of the obvious, though if you had any intelligence at all you would've asked that this morning the moment you saw your new school while you were still _safe_ in the car. In answer to your question, consider what happened today a test. The lessons I have given you so far were meant to be applied outside of class, and this was to see if you were capable of that. It seems that you are not. Instead of using your lessons to establish yourself in a position of power immediately, you went about in your normal apathetic daze and failed the test… you failed everyone. SEELE will be reviewing this, and there's a good chance that you will be replaced."

Shinji had no response to this and simply lay there silently, staring up at the ceiling. His face was completely expressionless as disappointment and other stronger emotions waged war in his heart. The anger was gone now, he knew he had been given a chance to prove himself, but instead he had simply spent the day feeling sorry for himself. Now what would they do? Did they need him anymore? He… wouldn't blame them if they didn't. He had done something wrong again and had shown that the last two months had all been in vain. He had gotten nowhere, accomplished nothing, he was still the same pathetic little boy. How could a little boy save his betters? He couldn't… it was all just in vain.

"Hmmm… however, you are still an important investment even if it doesn't seem like you will pay off. There will be an opportunity for a makeup exam…" The man smiled slightly to himself as he said this. Many days were unpleasant for him, but he had been looking forward to this one for a very long time, and the high point of it was about to arrive. 

"W-what kind of m-makeup exam?" Shinji said quietly, feeling a slight hope that, while it did not make him feel much better, ended the cycle of despair he had begun to tumble in to. 

"Twenty extra minutes," his teacher said, smirking to himself as Shinji winced from his prone position on the floor.

"Sorry…" Shinji apologized, causing the other's smirk to grow.

"The makeup exam is simple. You must make others fear you, respect you, and avoid you. You must climb onto a pedestal above them where even the tallest cannot touch you. The method by which you may obtain this goal is simple… you will take revenge. When you are struck, you must strike back. Strike back so that the offender will never dare to touch you again."

Shinji's eyes widened in shock. Revenge? Didn't that mean hurting another human being? He managed to respond, somehow, without stuttering. Getting an extra twenty minutes of the Game was enough to remind him to think before speaking.

"But wasn't it my fault that I got hurt?"

"Yes, it was, but consider this taking responsibility for your actions by remedying the less than pleasant consequences. Besides, it's not like you haven't dirtied your hands before. You've killed your friends, and now you grow squeamish over hurting your enemies?"

Shinji frowned in thought. He had killed Kaoru, someone who had loved him. He didn't want to, but he did it anyways. He hadn't done it for himself, even though he had been betrayed. He had felt hatred, anger, and grief, but in the end he had done it because there was no other choice.

"I killed Kaoru because… there… there was no other way! It was the only right thing to do!" The only response Shinji received from his teacher was silence for a few moments, then he heard a low, near growling sound and the sound of a metal chair scraping up against the ground behind him as the man rose. Sharp, clicking footsteps echoed throughout the otherwise empty cafeteria, and Shinji braced himself to be struck again, but instead he heard a voice, much closer and more menacing than before.

"Well, allow me to encourage you then. You will not be trained at all until this situation is remedied. If you go too long without resolving this unpleasantness you will be replaced. Now, you have a very simple choice. You can suffer, your loved ones can suffer, but the ones who hurt you won't suffer. Or they can suffer, and you and those you seek so desperately will be saved. Even if you do nothing, you will have made a choice. I hope this… clarified the matter."

Shinji nodded slightly, but refused to answer verbally. So now he had no real choice? He couldn't alleviate his guilt by just telling himself it was the right thing to do… maybe… no, he didn't know what he could do. There was nothing he could do, he didn't want any of this but there was no other way. His father would've retaliated with a punishment a thousand times worse than the offense without a moment of hesitation, but he still didn't want to be like his father. Retaliating even the least bit made him more like the man.

"Hmmm… don't you even feel the least bit angry? After all you've done for the world, for humanity. After all you've sacrificed. You saved their lives dozens of times, yet this is how they thank you. They strike and hit and crush and maul you when you bled so much so that they might have lived to do that. Don't you feel the injustice? Don't you deserve to take something back from them after all you've given up for that human filth?"

"But they didn't know I piloted Eva!" Shinji said desperately, suddenly wanting to do anything to avoid this line of conversation. He knew the man was trying to make him want to take revenge, and the idea of desiring that scared him even more than the act itself.

"Would they have even cared? If you walked up to them and told them that you had piloted Eva to save their lives, they would laugh in your face. They would say, 'Lookit the fuckin' rich kid tryin' t'be a big man.'" His guardian's voice became mocking as it imitated the crude accent his attackers favored. "If they believed you, it would be worse. Seeing that someone so weak, so _pathetic _in front of them, yet knowing that he might be superior to them would be unbearable to their pride. They would stop at nothing to see you crushed… only your death would give you peace."

Shinji heard him kneeling down next to him and suddenly he felt hot breath against his ear, followed soon after by a hissing whisper that made his skin crawl. 

"Don't even think I'll let you run away. You will stay in this hell until you reign above them or you rest in the ground below."

To Shinji's horror he felt something beyond fear at his teacher's words as he lay there helpless on the floor. He felt… angry.

For the first time in her life, Rei was having trouble getting to sleep. Before when she had felt the need for rest, she had slept unless her attention was required. She had always been able to relax and fall asleep within a few minutes, even if her mind had been filled with thoughts mere moments before. It was normally easy to leave reality to a world of nothing more than water and light whenever she felt the need to, but now, after laying in bed for an hour with eyes patiently closed, sleep refused to welcome her. Sleep was a place where she could find a pleasant abstractness, yet it also reminded her of what it would have been like if the Commander had sent mankind back to its original state. She had rejected his vision to give the decision the Pilot Ikari… Shinji? Since she had decided against his vision, was her body now shying away from all reminders of it? It was a disturbing thought

Slowly, Rei's eyes opened again and she stared up at the ceiling for a few long moments with dark eyes. She frowned slightly and shifted in her bed, feeling her sheets move above her and her mattress below. There was no real discomfort there, so that was not the cause. She turned her head to the side, away from the window where hazy moonlight, slightly distorted by the gentle rainstorm that had visited earlier that afternoon, streamed through. It had been a disappointment; the frogs had not come out that night, perhaps because of the thunder that had occasionally punctuated the soft patter of the rain. Her eyes found the pile of books next to her bed and she regarded them in silence for a moment. They were bathed in a single stream of light from the window, and in it she could barely make out the titles on them, though the colors on the covers were washed out. 

Slowly she sat up in bed, unsure of why she was abandoning sleep when she still felt tired, but decided that perhaps her mind had found some issue that needed to be addressed before she would be able to rest. This had never happened before, but she knew it happened to others and perhaps it was now her problem. She sat there for a few moments, wearing nothing more than an oversized T-shirt and panties. She did not know why she bothered with clothing at all, except that she had once been told that it was proper to wear something to bed. Several more seconds passed then Rei suddenly felt an urge. It was like the time that she had decided to investigate her memories by going to the library. That had not turned out to be terribly productive, she had already read the books twice yet felt no different before she had. Most people would have been annoyed with the wasted time, but with nothing better to do she felt no loss, merely disappointment. 

The memories still came occasionally, but with less frequency. Even some days when she visited the pond nothing would come. Rei had been surprised to find herself worried. Perhaps she would not be able to discover the nature of her memories. Whether they were hers from a life erased mostly by the soul transfer or if they were those of someone else that were accidentally given to her might never be resolved. This disturbed her. They were the last thing she felt she had with Eva gone and Instrumentality unavailable, and without them what would she be but a hollow vessel? Would it be like returning to nothing? At one time, she might have welcomed the freedom of emptiness and true oblivion, but now having seen a ghost of what it might be like to have something, it was an unpleasant concept. 

So, having nothing better to do, she followed her urge. Slowly, turned so her legs were over the side of the bed then stood up. For a few moments, she simply stood there and studied her room, once again noticing how… strange it felt even after she had lived there for over a month. There were no obvious problems with it, and technically it was of a higher quality than her old apartment, so she still did not know why it elicited these feelings. It was not a sense of unfamiliarity, but a sense that she did not belong there. She had never felt that she belonged more in one place than any other before she had come here, but now, after many hours of examining her feelings this was what she concluded was the truth.

Silently, seemingly one with the darkness, or perhaps the moonlight, she stepped over to the window and stared out, oblivious to her state of near undress or perhaps just uncaring. For a little while she simply regarded the landscape, a flat grassy yard with blades of rich green grass made silver in the moonlight with pine trees breaking the monotony every now and then. In the distance, she could make out the pond where she would have liked to have gone that afternoon. The frogs were silent now, so there was no point in going at this time, but still she looked. Another interesting observation she had about herself was that her actions and desires did not always follow logic. It had not disturbed her even though it went against several aspects of what she thought was her personality, because it was a part of her and to deny it would be pointless.

The final thing she caught sight of was her own reflection in the window, virtually invisible since all the light was coming from outside. Still, it was her, or rather the new her. It was something familiar. She had stared out many windows and seen many reflections of herself in them, yet, even though her expression did not change, she still felt a sensation akin to pleasure. It was an image of herself, something she could see to confirm her existence as something not only affected by her environment but capable of affecting it. It was an identifier, and that was good, yet it was not an appropriate identifier. The clothing was something she had seen herself in many times before she came here, yet it was unimportant for the clothing did not mark her as a unique individual. Her other features, her hair, her eyes, the structure and tone of her face, marked her as a unique individual yet they did not fit the person she considered herself.

Slowly, one of her hands came up and reached to her eye to withdraw one contact lens. She cleaned them daily but wore them to bed. In the unlikely event of a visitor, not being able to locate them could be dangerous. Now she could see something unique. A person with one red eye and one brown eye. Yet it still did not feel like her. She had red eyes, not brown eyes, nor a combination of the two. She did not have brown eyes, and the person in her dreams did not have them either, thus having brown eyes did not lead into insight into either. It was not an entirely logical way of thinking of things, yet it seemed to match how she felt. She set the contact down on the desk, being careful not to break it even though she had replacements, then withdrew the other one from her opposite eye. Now two red eyes stared back at her, strange and yet familiar at the same time. Just focusing on them for the first time in over a month was a pleasant sensation.

Slowly, Rei began to raise her hand, and she could see her reflection reciprocate the action. Just as she was about to touch the glass she froze as another memory rippled through her. She was sitting next to a pool wearing a plain black bathing suit. Around her others were talking and yelling at their fellow students, who seemed to be very interested in observing them from the ground below. She knew about physical attraction and sexuality, but had never given it very much thought and did not do so now. In front of her, in the water, she could see her reflection, staring back at her with red eyes that matched her own. It was similar to one of her replacements in the Chamber of Gauf, yet not the same because she was able to recognize it as herself. She would have liked to have been in the water, but it was crowded, and the presence of others, especially when they were noisy such as Pilot Sohryu, made it less… comfortable. She would be able to swim later at Nerv anyways since tests with the dummy plug system were not scheduled till that night.

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she caught someone staring at her. Others had stared at her before, but usually she would simply ignore them or if the gesture interested her, stare back at them. They would immediately look away, however. Some people were very odd. This time, however, she decided that while she would respond she would avoid frightening him off. Did she frighten them off when she stared back? She wasn't sure, but they usually seemed awkward. Why? The Commander never did.

Slowly, she turned her eyes so she was able to regard the person who was viewing her out of the corner of them. It was Pilot Ikari, and he had a strange expression on his face that was not agitation but not tranquil either. Curiosity? No, that did not fit. Suddenly, his two companions, Classmates Aida and Suzuhara began to talk with him. They seemed confrontational, and the expression on Ikari's face became decidedly agitated. For a moment she felt a brief flash of annoyance, but then a bit of confusion when he looked almost sad. Her eyes turned back to her reflection in the pool. It was not important; no insight into herself or her purpose could be gleaned from it.

As the memories faded, Rei's eyes widened and her hand jerked back from the glass slightly. That had been her most vivid incident yet, and it was strangely exciting. She had remembered names, places, even her thoughts. She felt something similar to pleasure, yet more than that, something unfamiliar. Was it hope? She didn't know, it was far too strange to form judgments, but she did know that this was a good sign. Perhaps what had happened to her during the soul transfer wasn't so much a few residue memories from someone else as memories clouded by amnesia? If that was the case though, then she would expect her moments to increase rather than decrease in frequency. She continued to stare at the window, occasionally adjusting her position in hopes that it would urge another vision to come forth, yet none did.

She accepted that it had been a one time incident quickly, then turned and began to return to bed, but once again the stack of books caught her eye. There was nothing new in them except the material that the librarian had provided her, but still she stepped over there and began to examine the stack. Part of her wondered why she had not attempted to sleep again, but it did not feel appropriate yet. She went through the books one by one, absently pushing off those that were not worth further study onto the floor until at last she came to that which she had received several weeks ago. _The Lord of the Rings _they were called. It appeared to be fiction, a genre she knew of but did not understand. They were books that provided untrue information intended to amuse the reader. How this worked or why it would provide pleasure she did not know, but she had occasionally seen Nerv technicians, such as Hyuga, reading them with great interest. It merely seemed like a filler of time to her without any of the insights thinking or reading educational books provided. It seemed like something without any worth, but then, with Eva gone what was her worth beyond waiting for Instrumentality?

She reached forward and picked the first book up. She tried to examine it, but the moonlight did not provide enough light, especially now that it was beginning to rise over the house. She glanced at the light next to her bed, then picked up the other two books of the series then walked over and sat down on the mattress. She flicked switch, and after wincing for a moment as the bright light destroyed her night vision, she examined the covers. On the first book was a reprint of a watercolor of some houses next to a river in a valley surrounded by tall cliffs. It was pleasing to look at. The second book bore the image of a massive structure that reminded her of an office building in Tokyo-3, but with strange rippling walls and narrow stairs that lead up to a dark door. At the base of the stairs she could just make out a cloaked figure that seemed to be kneeling over some water that surrounded the strange tower. The final book bore the image of a city with a type of architecture that made it seem medieval, but it was more clean and organized. It seemed to have been built on a mountain, and she could just barely make out walls around it. It was another pleasant image, but it did not resemble any city she knew of. Perhaps it was a city designed in fantasy, like the material in the book. That seemed reasonable. 

She decided to examine it further, mildly curious about it for a reason she did not know. She began to flick through the final book, her eyes nimbly catching a variety of strange names she was not familiar with, but many she was. Things about warfare and battle, a topic she was familiar with during her time with Eva, but this was not the same. The weapons used seemed to be antiquated. Finally, she came to a section labeled Appendix A. Interesting, why would a book of fantasy have an appendix? They were used to explain concepts not adequately covered in the main text, but why would terms in fantasy require further explanation. Intrigued, she sat there for a moment, trying to find a reason for this, but decided she did not have enough information. So, after a few moments she began to read the appendix, an odd way to start a book, but Rei did not know, nor would she most likely have cared all that much. Journeys have begun in stranger ways.

"Kensuke?"

The boy in question paused looked to the door of his room after taking a moment to wipe the sweat off his brow. He had been practice fighting for several hours, there was nothing else to do in the house since he had finished his few homework assignments immediately after school. A quick glance at the small desktop clock next to his bed told him it was time for dinner.

"I'll be right out," he shouted back, then executed a few more quick punches. There were a few bruises on his face, but most of them were old and fading. The kids had stopped picking on him for the most part now. While they were still much better fighters and he was grossly outnumbered, he was still able to throw a few punches back at them now before they took him down. After one had received a nasty nosebleed most of them had moved on to weaker prey. Beating someone wasn't something they enjoyed enough to get hurt for it would seem. 

'Not all of them have given up, though,' Kensuke thought has he touched a small cut across his lip. Earlier that day in the bathroom two boys had jumped him as he was moving away from the sink. They had gotten a few good hits in, but Kensuke had gotten angry and in a move that in no way was related to the martial arts he was studying, he charged. Surprise and momentum had carried one of his attackers through the door as Kensuke smashed into him, and the two boys had nearly knocked a passing teacher over. Kensuke had gotten a little detention, but the other boy, who seemed to be at the center of many of these incidents, had been suspended for a week. 

Stretching as he walked, Kensuke went to the dinner table and sat down across from his father. They were wearing near identical clothing, black khakis and white T-shirts, but neither chose to make a humorous comment. Instead, Shiroh started the conversation after beginning to eat the simple fish and rice dish he had prepared for the two.

"Hmm… so, how was class today?"

"Good, my teacher says I'm doing well," Kensuke answered with a small smile after starting on his own meal. In reality, the elderly master had said he was very enthusiastic, but still a little clumsy. It was alright to "simplify" the comment for his father, however.

"I can see. There aren't nearly so many marks on your face now," his father countered with a grin on his wrinkled face. "You're looking a lot healthier too, soon you won't be able to keep the girls off you."

Kensuke blushed slightly and his father laughed a bit after noticing it. It was a good sound, one that hadn't been heard much in the weeks before, but was becoming more and more common as things got better for the two. Kensuke had found a new passion in the martial arts, and his father was quietly relieved he had found an interest outside the computer. He had been warned several times by Section 2 to keep an eye on his son, but nothing serious had been done so it had been ignored mostly. Mr. Aida himself had gotten a job, and while he had not told his son what it was, Kensuke had occasionally caught sight of a uniform in the laundry bin that looked decidedly blue collar. It must have hurt the former scientist's pride to be forced to take a job like that, but it seemed like he was happy just to be able to provide for his family again. Kensuke did not ask, he was just glad things were improving. 

Other topics besides his father's employment had become taboo as well, with money at the top of that list. Several weeks earlier, the cable had gone out. When he had asked his father about it, a look akin to anger had crossed over the man's normally tranquil face, and he had responded that they did not have it anymore. Kensuke had not asked anything else about it. Still, something else had been on his mind for the last few weeks, rather, the last few months, and he felt that with things getting better it might be an appropriate night to breach it.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Kensuke?"

"May I ask a question?" 

Shiroh's back seemed to stiffen lightly and he almost put his chopsticks down. Was it finally time to explain to his son where the money for the apartment had been coming from? How long they would be living like this? What his job was? A momentary fear filled him. He wasn't happy with the answers to those questions himself, how would his son react? He wasn't sure if the boy was even ready to deal with them, he was finally starting to act happy again, and he didn't want to take that away. Maybe he could lie to Kensuke, but he had never lied to him before if he could help it. Often, Kensuke's hacking into Nerv's secret files had been nothing more than asking his father a question then looking expectantly at him for the answer. He cared about his son, and felt an obligation to do what he could to make him happy ever since his wife had died. He had always been proud of his son and felt the need to make Kensuke feel proud of him. As long as his son thought well of him, he felt that he was doing alright even if things got rough. He knew he wasn't the strongest person, but taking care of his family was the most important thing in the middle-aged man's life. 

"Yes?" He responded quietly, and saw Kensuke blink once at the worry in his eyes.

"I… was wondering… about something." 

Shiroh felt more worried, trying to decide how to respond to the inevitable question. He wouldn't lie, but maybe he could dodge it. There had to be a way through this.

"W-what happened to Toji and Shinji?" Kensuke asked nervously, but felt a rush of his relief when his father seemed to relax slightly and manage a smile. For his own part, Shiroh was almost berating himself in spite of the fact that Kensuke's question had not breached a topic he had feared. He should've waited longer before getting all nervous, it wasn't appropriate to assume. It was harder for his son than it was for him. He had met Toji and his son had talked a lot about Shinji, so he knew how close the three were. To give a voice to his fears must've been difficult for Kensuke.

"I left before I could find out anything about them, but perhaps I could ask an old friend or two who stayed back at Nerv to find out what they can."

Kensuke nodded, then father and son went back to eating, though a silence had fallen over the table. It was not as bad as either had feared, but any reminder of Nerv was enough to bring forth a solemn mood in that tiny house of two.

Author's Notes: Laval, Ghola, Nekobus, and Tchernobyl all helped pre-read this chapter and deserve a great deal of praise for it. In addition, I'd like to thank everyone that was kind enough to review and discuss the earlier drafts with me. We're finally getting into the action now, and in the coming chapters Red Earth is going to get very interesting and disturbing as well. This is a darkfic, but it's a darkfic I hope will make you think more than it will depress you. Either way, I hope you enjoyed it.

Also, please, review, but go beyond telling me what you thought, tell me why you thought it. A compliment is nice, but telling me what you liked and disliked will help me improve the story.


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